It all started back in 2006 while my wife was in college for nursing. I did all that I could for her by helping around the house, which eventually led to me doing everything. At that point I never noticed that she was getting depressed and the stresses of school were taking its toll on her. Plus I was getting worn out trying to keep the house up and together. I never told her I loved her, that I cared, and that I appreciate everything that she was doing at the time. So we started distancing ourselves from each other, she started hanging out with friends and I eventually became an internet addict (Hah, I'm on it now, LOL). I started pushing her away every time she asked for something or wanted me to do something.
Well, this eventually led to the same old routines, She would ask me for something, I would reject it. Then I would ask for something, she would reject me. Our physical and emotional life grew apart. We would no longer kiss, hug, tell each other I love you, and sex became a chore to us. The cold shoulder became the norm around our house.
With all the arguing about everything, I eventually went back to my root self, the child within that saw all the relationships as fighting, arguing, and abuse. I started to verbally abuse her, not just to her face, but to my family and friends. Well this drove her and most of my friends away from me. My friends wondered why I would ever stay with such an evil person, an evil person that I created with all the talk. With the verbal abuse came even more nagging and we just completely spiraled out of control.
By this spiraling out of control, she started looking elsewhere for the love and kinship that she needed. She started going out and drinking her pain away, which actually got me worried. It hurt seeing her come home drunk, not calling, and coming home later than when she said she would. I tried to convince her in the wrong way and yell and confront her about this. It only made the problems worse, she just quit calling and telling me when she was going out which only made me madder.
So we are up to the date she walked out, she couldn't take any more of the pain I was putting her through and I cannot blame her. I put her through all the name calling and her ex before me put her through physical abuse.
The good thing though is that she is willing to work on our love for each other. We have agreed to counseling which we had our first session today. I have backed away from her and let her have her space. I have also worked with myself on trying to get separate counseling for myself to deal with my anger, trust, and depression. I have already went out and started by buying myself a few new shirts. I have been working to get the house back in order. I have been spending a lot more time with my daughters. I have also been out of the house the last week more than when we were together.
Sorry for the long post but I needed to get a few things off my chest. My support group that I have left is very toxic for my ultimate goal of winning her heart.
Michael - Welcome to divorcebusting.com. I'm sorry you are in this situation, but I'm happy for you in that you realize your part in this and that you are willing to change. We are here to support you as you work to bust your divorce.
Backing off a bit is a good thing, if you've been pushing her too much. But--backing off is also part of your particular problem, so you will have to pay attention to times when you should reengage--in a good way, of course. Please make sure your counselor is pro-marriage.
You have a lot of work ahead of you, but I'm proud of you for making those first steps.
Today was actually a real good day until my brother decided to send me a text about a married couple that were about to split. I lost a lot of concentration in class and had to leave early.
But the good news is that I really know that Jamie misses me already. The day after I broke all contact with me, she all of a sudden decided to call me to come and help fix the furnace where she was staying. We sat and had a half hour conversation about nothing. We also had a good laugh thanks to our 7 year old daughter.
She has also been visiting every day for short periods and we are going to take the kids to the skating rink together tomorrow afternoon. Friday we are also going out, without kids, to a movie that I wanted to see that was filmed in my home town. We haven't been to a movie alone together since 2004.
I really am scared about this because I don't really want to move too fast and have her think I am a acting fake. Actually I have started acting like I did when we started dating, I have been witty, cracking jokes again, and actually cannot sleep without cuddling a pillow.
Needless to say, I know it will be a lot longer before I can ever totally gain her trust again. She was broken when I met her and never truly healed from her previous boyfriend which beat her. I talked to her and she is working on coming to terms with the past so that she can live in the here and now. I am really rooting for her silently and praying that she can pull through. I can only imagine what she has been through.
I have been reading plenty too and am seeing the same counselor for my own depression and anger issues. Hopefully I can completely heal myself because I am so afraid right now that the way I feel is just a mask of my emotions, but, I do feel a lot more like my old self. This all came with a lot of reading and plenty of self revelation.
Our counselor is pro-marriage. She believes that only the couple can truly decide when it is over. I also asked her about her marriage and family life and she came back without hesitation that she has been married for 14 happy years. She also had a good relationship with both parents, which also never been divorced. We are starting individual marriage counseling on Monday and the counselor will evaluate when we will be able to work together on our marriage.
By the way, I am 32 (I think), Jamie is 29, married 8-14-2004, Together 11-22-1999, D7, D3, W announced I need some time to think and left on 3-21-11.
By the way, I pulled a 180 already on her. I knew she still read my FB page so I just put up the random comment "I'm crying inside. I feel violated. Rosie Palmer just raped me!" (not really sure if that is allowed) I haven't made an off the wall comment like that in forever. That is the real me, not the person hiding in fear that everyone is there to judge him.
After I made that comment it wasn't even 10 minutes and she called to have a laugh in which she needed.
Well today started as a great day. Th sun was out, it was warm, and I was getting a lot of stuff done.
Then I met up with WAW to bring the kids skating. She basically treated me like a stranger and that was real hard on me. It's just hard seeing the woman you love so much ignoring you and treating you like the babysitter that they drug along. She invited me to go again but I declined at the end stating I need to go do something on my own. I am hurting, bad, right now. I didn't show it to her though. I just put a smile on my face and made small chit chat when ever she would come around. I am starting to think that the date on Friday is a real bad deal and I just need to go on my own. I'm torn here and don't know exactly how to react.
I know, I am slipping a bit and going dark. I was cheered up later in the evening though when I was watching videos on Youtube. In the recommended videos off to the right was our wedding song, I listened to it and smiled happily through it. Then I got myself motivated and started another book that I wanted to read. By the way, anyone got any good book recommendations on self esteem?
I'm working on the first thing that will make me happy right now and that is to get the house put together. I am also out searching for a job since I have been off from work since our oldest D was born.
Well, I canceled the date due to financial inability and I did not want to end up in such a wreck like I was yesterday. I did my budget for next month and I will be -$.50. Woohoo, Application time, I gotta get working on my resume right now.
WAW came and dropped off the kids. She posted the song F'n perfect by Pink on her wall so I said you look like your doing better today. She kinda backed off from me and said, "yeah." I'm taking it as she is heading in the right direction with her depression. That the medication she is on which is adding to her depression must be wearing off a bit. We will see, because only time can tell. I'm praying she gets better.
Tomorrow I think I'm going to take the kids skating again. This time without the WAW. I'm hoping to enjoy myself just a bit more without her there. It's hard when everything that I do around her has to be forced at the moment just so I don't say the wrong thing, so I don't hold her hand, so I don't lean over and give her a soft peck on the cheek, so I don't hurt her anymore emotionally. It hurt me bad yesterday because she looked so beautiful.
My kid just said the F word, yay! LOL Time to go work on that.
So far so good today. I'm starting to plan my life without her. I called the doc today to set up a consult for a vasectomy. I'm doing this for myself because I don't ever want to bring children into this situation again, plus I got problems down there that hopefully this will cure. I have also started exercising today. Man I am beat!
I'm also looking forward to the next marriage counselor appointment because I have some issues to get off my back. I have no friends or family locally here so I really have no one to lean on when I need to.
I hope everyone else is having just as good a day as I am.
Well, back at it again. I started packing her stuff so that I can GAL and move on. Well, guess who decides to show up to talk? Yup my WAW. She came home and partially opened up to me about everything that was on her mind. We talked until way past our bed times and the greatest news is that she will be staying here tonight!
I'm dancing in my skin right now and hiding the excitement! It's kind of hard to hide it even with the perma-grin I have going on. All smiles today praying for everything to work out.
Today I also have my counseling appointment which I believe is going to just be a session to see what I want out of our relationship. I am going solo today, she goes solo Wednesday. Got my fingers crossed!
