It has been years since I had my own thread on here
and life has been wonderful so far
of course there is one glitch in the road and I think I am on the right path but because it is hard to distance myself from this one, I am shooting it out here to get some other perspectives.
If you have been around forever, you know that I don't do marriage well. I actually found this site for #2 and my sociopathic husband (shiver)
that one is done with (wooohooooo)
but my two amazing sons are from my #1 and THAT is where my new problem arises from.
My 1st marriage lasted a year and was incredibly abusive. I was strangled, beat up, knocked down stairs, the whole 9 yards. I left with the boys and anything I could fit into my van in an afternoon when he was out.
He saw the boys very sketchily (I know that isn't a word...) for about a year or so afterward (maybe 1 time per month) and was a douchebag about everything. In a nutshell...he wanted nothing more to do with them, told me he thought of them as dead and wanted no updates etc about them. I have kept the email address he knew open for this whole time and made sure any address changes were left with the child support worker etc. because I didn't want to be accused of denying him his legal rights.
He basically went off the grid...no sign of life for the last 10 years or so. He owes over $55,000 in back child support(as of 4 months ago) and about $5000 in numerous other bills from the divorce that I eventually just paid.
So finally he is found (thanks Facebook) and he is court ordered to pay all the back child support or go to jail. I will believe it when I see it
but this provided us with an address so I sent him the paperwork to sign over his legal rights as Cori wants to adopt the boys. We can do this without him signing over his rights but it is quicker and muuuuuuuuuuuuuch less expensive to have him sign the papers
of course he won't
he says he will if I say he doesn't owe that back child support
I don't really care about the money (although it sure would be nice to have) but I can't do that as the boys get MNCare in part because their dad is a douche
So, I draft another letter (very detached and legalize-ish) that says all his future child support will of course be forgiven but that he will still owe the back stuff (which he would anyway...I legally can't sign that away as it isn't mine to do that with...it is the boys')
so now he says since I won't do that he is going to fight to have visitation
I don't really believe it but he just might because he is such an arse.
Nick is almost 14 and DYlan is 13. At the age of 14 they can say they don't want visitation which NIck has already said but Dylan...Dylan can't AND he is on the fence because he wants his "dad" to love him even thought he doesn't remember him
JEremy was abussive to the boys after our divorce...neglected them, didn't feed them, exposed them to registered sex offenders, smacked them around....and I had to let him see them even though I documented all that stuff etc...the courts were very pro 50/50 custody. He balked on seeing them once he needed supervised visitation.
I don't want to let Dylan go with this scumbag who he doesn't know and who abused him when he was little.
I am contacting legal aid because I want to make sure that he just can't take DYlan and i am hoping a judge would not court order visitation for Dylan but I am unsure of how that would operate...
Can I call him names? Tell you what I REALLY think? Hmmm... won't do any good.
My opinion - for what it is worth...
Keep him away from the boys. Don't ask him for ANYTHING - including his signature - even if it costs more/ takes longer. The further you are from him - the better.
The less I got from Chuck, the less I heard from him. When I asked for more (justified) he gave me grief. I'd rather not have the grief. I'm thinking it's the same with your Arse of an Ex.
Let sleeping dogs lie.
Might not be the advice you'd like but it is what I'd do. I'd keep my boys safe. Not let him know where I live. Because I know what it is like to live with an abuser and no matter what you do - YOU will always be the source of his anger. So the further you and your children are from him - the better. Because YOU get it. The courts don't always.
Big {{{{{figgy hugs}}}}}. Wow, what a complete jack-hole he is. I think consulting legal aid is a great idea. Ask them about getting a guardian-ad-litem appointed and working toward supervised visitation. Hopefully that will discourage him. Good luck and vent when needed!
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
Try to keep as much about your life and that of the boys confidential. If he starts acting out, get an order of protection so that at least the issue is documented. I would seek the supervised visits right off the bat. That may serve as a deterrent since he balked at it the last time. Just remember that whenever you move on with your life (which you have) they get angry or bitter. Whether you forgive the arrears or not, he will act out. SO, with that said do what you need to do to stay safe and to protect your kids.
not much to add, the above comment is on target (((hugs))) hopefully supervised visitation will do away with that @#$#$%... one would think that after so many years they'd grow some decency...jeez
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I agree with all of the above. I would be so afraid that if your youngest did go to visit him, he might try to take him just to hurt you. Leopards can't change their spots you know.
Big hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
