The End is Here!

[1000ships]

Bobby63,

found some psychic reading results that said that OM was not the answer and that she is going to get S14 counciling, that I was a crutch????

Did the reading reference the keyword crutch, or is that your term?

If, as you say, she takes the medium's words as written in stone, she will believe the part about OM not being the answer. Of course, in MLC she may twist that and deny it into a different interpretation.

But the part about you being a crutch is useful. Consider whether it meant that she uses you as a crutch or you act as a crutch to her.

Either way, you need to stop doing anything that may be interpreted as helping or rescuing—crutch behaviors.

Think of synonymous metaphors for crutch. If the reading used the term crutch, you may be able to verbally mirror the concept with a different metaphor. You will need to do it when the two of you are already having a conversation or some sort of communication—it cannot be out of the blue because it will seem odd. But she may feel that she can’t do things by herself and she may want to prove to herself that she can; she may feel you step in and take over; or she may feel that she lets or encourages you to step in and take over. None of that means you do or do not do that; it’s about her perception.

But validate the feeling by acknowledging that either you have been a crutch—but use a different metaphor to avoid a you read my reading red flag, or that she needs to be able to figure some things out for herself. Say it in a positive manner. If you phrased it you need to stop… that would be accusatory and it could set her off. Instead phrase it as support and encouragement to venture out and be independent.

I’ve been perusing these boards enough to wonder how many success stories there really are. Seems to me there aren't very many when I look at the community as a whole. I’m extremely depressed and she acts as if everything is all wonderful she giggles and chats excessively (cell phone addict) is she a better actor or could there actually be ANY guilt for what actions she has taken OM in her head.

Well, success it what you make it and there are a lot more overall success stories than simply the rebuilt marriage variety. But I know what you mean.
Do you think the reconciliation stories stick around? It would be nice and some do, but most are not here because they are with their spouses rebuilding their marriages. Most of the people who are here are here because they are in need of help. A few are here to give back—Jack3beans, Brandnewday (both in reconciled marriages). You may also find long-timers that are here and seem to still be in turmoil or they may seem bitter or angry and you will find some who have grown and found joy even as their spouses spin in crisis. MLC averages 2-7 years—and I think 2 years is rare. Most people are not going to Stand or wait around that long. Frustration is high. Some who are here feel desperate, some come because they get help with their anger and frustration and they come because this has become their home and their friends are here.

And does it really matter if other marriages don’t make it? Isn’t your marriage the only one that should matter to your situation?
I determined that if the odds of reconciliation were 1% I would be in that 1%. I made it. Don’t let other situations determine your outcome.

You will get to the outcome by detaching and letting your MLCer be her own crutch. Let-Go so that she can fall down and learn to pick herself up from failure. The outcome you want now may not be the outcome you want later.

HUGS

[1000ships]

Sorry I forgot to answer this part...

I’m extremely depressed and she acts as if everything is all wonderful she giggles and chats excessively (cell phone addict) is she a better actor or could there actually be ANY guilt for what actions she has taken OM in her head.

It may be likely that the infatuation for the OM is masking her guilt. It's there, but infatuation is a hormone high that overrides guilt and shame. And when there are moments she feels those bad feelings, she may seek more of the high to avoid.

[Bobby63]

have to admit,went and met with baptist pastor tosay as well as C that in the end I was feeling good at the end of the night. Something changed and I felt lighter then I have been in years.D21 said I will go with you to church on sunday and I felt good. Im not a religious man but something happened today I guess im detatching feels good!

[steady]

Answer this question I asked:

Did you get the book that was suggested to you? Bob Glover's "No More Mister Nice Guy"

I STRONGLY suggest you but that book and bury yourself in it.

[steady]

Let me preface - what I say is in the ideal realm. Ideally, and in a perfect world, you would be able to detach, focus on yourself, be happy and understand what's going on is about her and not about you. It was repetition that taught me this and a great deal of optional suffering.

Ive outed her but she is in total denial.She lies and lies and lies all the while seeking people to validate her choices makes me want to puke.And this woman wants to work at DHS @#$%%^^&&*@#@!

Of course she denies it. What kind of person would she be if the truth was acknowledged? My W ejected anyone in her life who questioned her choices and spent more and more time with the ones that enabled her. Biggest one is her mother.

hAS BEEN HOME THE LAST 2 DAYS AT NIGHT,PROBABLY GUILT.

Might be guilt, may not be. Why even have your head asking that question?

Went S11 concert with W tonight. I really said next to nothing while keeping my distance.She kept backhanding me on the arm every time she wanted to say something mundane.

While keeping your distance I would guess you were angry as hell.

Did you enjoy the backhanding or did it annoy you? If it annoyed you why didn't you tell her stop?

Has neen a small bit chattier lately but still texting OM on the phone with a smirk on her face.

How do you know she was texting OM? If you know for sure why would you sit there and not say anything? "You know, I respect myself enough not to sit here while you text this guy so I need you to either show me enough respect and stop doing it, or move somewhere else besides here." (otherwise she gets to cake eat)

What do I do now go even more grey or dark?really hard to keep up a pleasant demeanor when all I want to do is take her in my arms and hold her.

Really? This woman who is with OM, eating her cake, irresponsibly spending money, splintering your family and creating all kinds of damage - you want to hold her in your arms? If you just started dating this woman would you accept this kind of behavior?

I will not move out (dont have the money and she has not initiated any R talks so I feal like Im in limbo now.So tired everyday a marathon. Im mostly stoic.

Every day feels like a marathon because you're focused on her, what's she's feeling, thinking, doing etc.. and you're focused on saving your marriage.

If you could focus on you and your kid(s?) you wouldn't feel so drained and exhausted.

Its 1:30am and ive found more evidence on my desktop,cannot get this out of my head.

Of course you can't get it out of your head? Who could? Some people would tell you not to snoop, I prefer the truth even it's served cold. I can't tell you what to do. Is it undeniable evidence or something with an easy loophole?

W has professed to me that her 1st husband had an affair on her and she would have respected it more it he had been open and honest,yet years later here she is doing that exact same thing while acting like the "perfect mother"

Yes, but in her case it's 'different' (in her mind). In the first marriage it was 'his' fault and he had no reason to do it, in this one it's your fault and she has a 'right' to do it. How could she do what she's doing if she didn't rationalize her behavior?

Ive been puruseing thease boards enough to wonder how many success stories there really are. Seems to me there arn't very many when I look at the community as a whole.

From my experience, not many successes at 'saving' their marriages. Plenty of success stories of people who have saved themselves.

Im extremely depressed and she acts as if everything is all wonderful she giggles and chats excessivlly (cell phone addict) is she a better actor or could there actually be ANY guilt for what actions she has taken OM in her head. I watch,watch,watch and dont see anything.

You can't know what's going on inside her even if she told you. She may be lying.

Let me ask you this - if you found out she was feeling some guilt, but everything remained the same, how would that somehow benefit you?

I cannot float this house myself with what I make,But as steady has recomended...do I ask her to leave(boundaries)

What can you 'float'?

Continue to bite my tongue and be a laughingstock in town.

Because that's a really attractive trait in a man.

This is a woman that seems to have absolutly no remorse at all for anything. What drives aperson to be that way MLC? This whole thing is killing my right now because i am a person who seeks to understand

You won't understand. You can't understand. If you could you would either have done what they are doing or doing it yourself. Everything that person has experienced in their lives drives them to be this way. They really don't have a choice if you can swallow that. Just like you don't have a choice to completely put the whole situation behind you, stand up with courage, command respect (you can't demand it)... at least not yet.

Somebody, somewhere would look at you in your situation and asks themselves - "What a drives a person to sit there in that situation and totally enmesh themselves in a situation that's obviously crushing them?"

Your W didn't 'fall out of love' with you. That statement is a crock and it doesn't exist.

What people call being in love, in my opinion, is being attracted to you. Love is a completely different animal.

[Bobby63]

Steady thank you for your reply.Its a real hard reality and I needed to bee slapped a bit. Got the Ebook "no more mister nice guy" The irony is that I was a harda$$ to begin with,isnt this more of the same?

I have only been DBing a little over 3 weeks now and have read the book cover to cover a dozen times. Implimenting thease techniques is hard!

With a MLC W how can I tell what are baby steps and what are misfiring synapses? Should I go completely dark or a lighter shade of pale? Im doing my 180s , soft spoken,no inquirys,calling ect. When does one go for the LRT? Its a real pain to know if im taking the right path her behavior is eratic.

[Bobby63]

Yesterday I was on a pretty even keel. i am learning to detatch didnt care where she was stayed outside all day and played with kids and grilled. Around 2am she came in. This morning she has the nerve to ask to go up to sleep in the bed she abandoned (@10:00 long after the kids are up)I set a boundary and told her no.Getting better at this.

[Bobby63]

Sunday went to church alone made sure I was impecably dressed. W commented "you look nice". At church there were a few guys from the local homeless shelter there. One stood up and told his sitch:Was a coordinations manager and software engineer for Microsoft. They downsized he lost his job.his W was 1 month shy of finishing medical school and kicked him to the curb (funny how that's a reoccurring theme) for OM and took the kids. He had no job, ended up losing his house. Began a drug/alcohol habit to cope and spiraled into a transient existance. Ended up here in my state.

This made me think if a Highly educated man such as him could lose everything then I could too.

Spent the rest of the day working on my cannondale, and the kids go kart I got them for xmas. It felt good to get my hands dirty and focus on something other than living on these boards for a change.

I have been talking to my father on almost a daliey basis. My mother and father where together 21 years and divorced back in 82 long after i was gone from the nest.

My father was a habitual adulterer,lier, ect. He was married twice and his last relationship with woman cost him his home. He now lives in a two car gagage and chain smokes as he watches TV from morning to night, not good (he had a stroke in 2000).

He has really educated me into how a person acts,thinks,ect. who habitually has A. He says he regrets everything he has ever done. He dosnt sleep at night and wishes he could have another chance with my mother after 30 years. Hes identified that he believes he has gone through a MLC in his 30's, about the time when he was in the thick of it. He claims to have snapped out of it back in 82 when he gotten involved with a woman and her 2 kids he picked up in a truck stop in florida (w #2 who left him).

I see alot of my W behaviors in his story. His exposure of his actions and behaviors,some of which he has never spoken of before, Is helping me to learn to detatch and become ambivilant to my own sitch.

So it is a new week and I have alot of DBing to do today. Sorry I have been long winded.

Update! A few minutes ago my carrier called (some might remember I substitute carrier)Man has she been a life saver. She is one of those people who supports my DBing efforts.Thoght she wanted me to work but she says she has some DB type materials she is gonna leave in my mailbox for me.Gotta get to it before the wife does. After talking to her I walked in with a smile on my face and I'm sure the W noticed. She asked who it was and I replied "A friend" Curiosity was all over her face. interesting...

[Bobby63]

Can some one give me examples of "believe none of what you hear and fifty percent of what you see" Especially the see part. having to wade through slogans for a meaning is a drag.

[Bobby63]

While doing the luandry I found a pair of seamen stained panties, THIS IS KILLING ME!Do I confront or not?