I am very new here, had my first coaching session with Jody on Wednesday and I was very happy with that.
My story is this: Wife and I have been together for five years, married for four. It has not ever been the easiest of marriage, but there is love there, believe me. There have been ups and downs from both parties, but right now all she is seeing is every piece of negativity that one can think of. We have two daughters together, the oldest being 8 and she is my step-daughter by title only. She is truly my baby. We also have an almost 3 year old as well. In between we lost a son just after birth due to cancer. We have seen a lot in our young relationship, so there is lots of scarring for us to get through.
Last Friday, she dropped the bomb that she didn't love me any longer. Oh, she loved me, but not in that way. She thinks that divorce is really the only way for us. We have had this discussion it seems a few times a year, but never to this point of severity. This time, the I love you's stopped, the daily kisses stopped, etc. She told me that she has had to talk herself into being intimate with me during the times that we were. It seems everytime we have had the conversation I have either not listened or blew off the issues. She also said that I am more like a roommate than anything else, which bothers the heck out of me. Also mentioned is that main reason for us to stay together is the stability, etc. One of the weird things is that just a few weeks ago she was talking about relocating for us to different states, but also a few months ago was a thought of having another baby. Now, the baby talk was not serious, but if I were to have seriously considered it (we would be high-risk due to the lost child, but also when our youngest was born, it was with complications) she would have as well. So, I have to believe her feeling are all over the place. I am working on getting me better, because I realize some of my faults, and through those faults are things that bother her. And they should be things that I can fix easily.
Now, we went to a pro-marriage MC on Wed evening, who was very good in both of our opinions. We have not discussed our marriage at all since then. The only conversation we had was last night while falling asleep, she mentions "oh did you like the therapist?" and I said yes, I thought she was very good. She was very open with us, very laid back, and very truly wants our marriage to work. She told us both that it will be work, and that marriage is hard work and we both need to be willing to work at this. Well, the one point that stuck in my wife's head was the "willing" part. Last night she mentioned that as well, and I just responded back with I understand that, but I am going to continue to work on myself, regardless, because I need to. That was the end, and we went to sleep.
I am willing to fight for her, and she knows that. She knows that I love her, but I don't know what is left inside her for me, if anything. The MC went over the wall theory with us, and basically said whatever love she has for me is locked behind walls, and that we can dig it out, get over whatever issues are there, and rebuild our marriage. My W also went on to tell the MC that she has been checked out for over a year.
I know I have rambled a lot here, and will continue to gather more thoughts, but I needed to get this out and started.
Me- 33 W - 27 M - 4 T - 5 SD- 8.5 S- 4 (deceased) D- 2.5
My heart goes out to you. You have had so much heartache that has created terrible stress on your marriage. I'm really glad you have great help with Jody and your promarriage counselor.
Did you know that one of the Divorce Busting Centers is right in Woodstock--not that far from you!
Have you read Divorce Remedy or do you have Keeping Love Alive?
Since your wife is willing to work with you, I'd recommend Keeping Love Alive, or even The Marriage Breakthrough--just really great support for your counseling and work with Jody.
Last night, we took the kids out to dinner, and to the mall to do some shopping after work. I thought we had a great night. We went home, put the kids to bed, took the dog out, etc. Normal standard night. I made the mistake as she was bending over reading facebook (ritual for her), and decided to just run my fingers across her back for a second. She said to stop. I got a little upset, but not much. She said she didn't want me to get the wrong impression, so she told me to stop.
Just seems like she is stone cold keeping me away from her. I hate not knowing what is going through her head, and not knowing how she is feeling. We don't have our next MC appts for over a week, and these next two are our individuals, followed by the week after of couples again. I just don't know how to act during the time in between.
I have not read either book. I did just buy two books before I found out about this site, and I am about to start reading them. They are called "winning your wife back, before it's too late" by Dr. Gary Smalley and "reconnecting: a self-coaching solution to revive your love life" Joseph Luciani. Hope these books principles are the same. I am just lost right now.
Me- 33 W - 27 M - 4 T - 5 SD- 8.5 S- 4 (deceased) D- 2.5
Those are fine, but look up 'The Last Resort Technique' on this site. You are not really there, but there are aspects you need to follow, especially when it comes to intimacy.
You need to back off, and let her initiate at this point. If you initiate and she puts you off it reminds her of her current mindset and even 'sets' it a little more firmly in her mind.
I'm glad you realize you have some changes to make...just do them. Just be more attractive to her. You can do this.
I am so sorry for your situation and the rough road you have been down. It sounds heart-wrenching.
Can we get some more statistics please? What is your age? What is your wife's age?
I'm very interested in what Jody told you. Can you tell us a little about that?
Also, I think that it is VERY important that you start reading DB or DR. This whole thing is a journey that very much starts with ourselves. It is important that you examine the whole of your situation and try to figure out what behavior of YOURS led to the breakdown. As soon as you are able to pinpoint that, you have a great chance of saving this.
I would not be too concerned about the stone cold behavior. I think 99% of us have run into that. It's a defense mechanism, nothing more. My H, who is a walk away, stopped by yesterday. He wanted to hug me, but I couldn't do it. It was merely a defense mechanism and it didn't reflect at all my real feelings.
Do your best to keep busy right now and pick up one of those books!
I just posted our stats in my sig, but I am 33, my wife is 27, step-daughter is 8.5, daughter is 2.5. Our son, who we lost would be 4 in may. He was lost due to cancer in utero. We had no idea until the day he was born.
Jody in so many words told me to calm down, be a leader in my marriage and start to take control of my own life. Be more fun with my kids (get off the computer and play with them). Although I am usually doing some sort of school project or work...so I try to stay off until after bed time for them. W on the other hand is a facebook addict. On it a lot.
A couple of the major problems happened early in our relationship and I feel we never recovered from them. One is I lied about talking to an ex at the very beginning of our pregnancy. I was freaked out, and was not seeking to get back together with her, which is what she thought. We supposedly put that past us, as I told her the truth, and they even became friends. So, she knows my intentions were not to ever get back together with her. It was also years since we were last together. I know this still bothers her to this day, and this is my fault.
Another issue is there was infidelity almost 2 years ago. She was at a sales meeting for a week, had too many drinks, was very flirtatious with a co-worker, and ended up passing out in his room. It was one of the worst nights I have had. She ended up on the next plane home, 2 days before her meeting was to end. She vowed to make our marriage better. There was no sexual situations involved, but there was kissing. This still eats at me today, even though I tell her it doesn't.
Back in November of this past year, another big bombshell was dropped on me. This time I found out that my father molested my half sister 30 years ago. I didn't hear it from him, but my uncle. Apparently this was something the whole family hid from me forever. Not even my sister told me until then. My family primarily lives in California, and I live in the midwest. I have not heard from my father, other than a letter 4 months later. Needless to say, I don't talk to anyone in my family any longer except for my oldest sister.
My W also comes from a very bad past. Her family is very emotionally distant. She was date-raped while she was 17. She also had an abusive relationship with my step-daughters bio-father. He was physically, emotionally and mentally abusive to her. 8 years later, just a couple of months ago, he apologized to her for the way he treated her over that time. She cried. It was amazing for him to actually do this, since he is really a waste of life. Anyhow, she has been through a lot in her life, and I want her to figure out what she wants.
Needless to say, I am falling apart. I have lost my parents, and everything attached to them. My childhood seems like a farce now. I lost my firth born child. My wife doesn't love me, and I am going to lose my girls now too. I am trying to stay strong. I went to the gym twice this weekend, we did things as a family like normal. I cleaned the house, did laundry, and played with my kids. My W and I watched a movie together, on different couches like normal. She made a few comments to me about the future, some were about us together, and some were about us apart. I get somewhat emotional and think too much about it, especially when it is not what I want to hear. She makes it seem like she has given up completely, but then there are glimpses of cracks that I can see and feel. God, I wish it wasn't this hard. I am so in love with this woman.
Me- 33 W - 27 M - 4 T - 5 SD- 8.5 S- 4 (deceased) D- 2.5
You have had too much. it doesn't make what you know, what you feel...a lie. Trust Jody. She has been around a very long time, she has seen an incredible amount. She knows what it will take to get you through this.
Don't worry about your wife's words about you being apart...those word are about her frustrations, about what she will need to do for herself, Jody will help you with that.
It's ok. Don't worry about your wife's words...pay attention to her actions, and report those to Jody...she will help you navigate through solutions that will bring you back together.
Although love isn't always fun, fun often leads to love. Increase the fun between you and your wife.
How long does one typically go in between sessions with their coach? I am waiting until next week, as I have my one on one with my MC, and then my W has hers two days later. I think I really like this MC. Even though we only have seen her once (she is on spring break this week) she gives me a good vibe that she wants to help us work out our marriage. I think I will probably schedule Jody for that time. Unfortunately, I just can't afford to do more than a few sessions with her. EAP is paying for our MC, and we get 16 of those for free, which is great!
I am trying to avoid it when my wife says things that hurt, and trying to really make her feel like I am strong, and not weak. It's so hard though. We are living seperate lives under the same roof.
I hate that we literally went from "I love you's" every day to really nothing at all. Just BYE in the morning and HEY when she gets home. I know she is bothered just as much as I am, but she doesn't show it. I wear it on my chest sometimes, even though I intend not to.
Me- 33 W - 27 M - 4 T - 5 SD- 8.5 S- 4 (deceased) D- 2.5
lajmej - Hang in there! It sounds like you're doing a lot of the right things. Be thankful your W is willing to go to MC. From my experience, I think you may benefit a lot more with your time with your coach if you can find the time to read DR or one of the other books.
Ahhhh!!! So, I have mild sleep apnea, was diagnosed during a sleep study a few years ago. I have tried all different ways to stop the snoring and apnea, but it hasn't workedn. Anyhow, one of her biggest issues with me sleeping in bed is I snore so loud that I wake her. And she needs her sleep. Two nights ago I woke her and she had an awful nights sleep, last night I slept downstairs on the couch, and still woke her. So, this morning I mentioned to her that I was going to see another ENT about possible surgical options to see what they can do. And she throws out the "they won't do anything, and besides we might not be living together". I wasn't shocked she said that with all that is going on, but at the same time I still don't know what to say to that. So, I just said "I wish you wouldn't talk about that" and left it at that. I really wish I wouldn't have said anything and walked away. Everytime I hear something like that it hurts. One positive this morning, she was walking up the stairs as I was ready to leave, and I saw her trip going UP the stairs, and we both laughed a little. It was just a nice, funny moment. I then left for work, both said "bye" as we have now for the past 2 weeks.
Me- 33 W - 27 M - 4 T - 5 SD- 8.5 S- 4 (deceased) D- 2.5
