This is a long story and I am sorry for it, but I need to tell someone. I need to tell this secret to someone. and any help in how to deal with this would be helpful. I would especially like to hear from people who were able to make this work.
I have always been fairly easy to define. I am shy and naive. I can be stuborn and moody when I do not get my way. I am very self contious. I am young. I was only 19 years old when I started dating my husband. I was only 22 years old when I married him and that same year my daughter was born. She is now almost 4 years old. I only have two friends...my husband and one other friend (who is friends with both myself and my husband). Also, my family has not always been there for me and I have broken from them. So the only family I have is my husband and daughter.
I tell you those things so that you can begin to understand some of the things that i went through with my mind and eyes. At the begining of November my husband told me that he did not love me anymore and he was going to leave me. He said that we were not compatable and that he was not happy. He was over whelmed with obligation and responibility. To say that I was surprised would be the understatement of my life. I was completely blind sided. He never told me he was not happy. He never said that he wanted things to change. We never talked about anything negative about the state of our marriage and instead of giving me the chance to try, all he kept saying was that he has already tried. And all I kept saying was how was it possible you tried if I did not know there was a problem. I know that I am not the only person that has every gone through this, but I felt very alone.
I spent the better part of a week carrying on like a crazy person. I cried all of the time. I could not sleep. I could not eat(I lost 15 pounds). I was not able to take care of my daughter. I was suicidal. For this whole five month period. I had a plan and everything. I finally pulled it together to talk to him. I told him that he means everything to me. That we have been through a lot together. That we cannot just throw everything away without really trying. He finally told me that he was going to take a 10 day vacation to give himself a chance to miss me and then he would come back and work on our marriage. He left and I was a crazy mess. Every minute he was gone was gone solidified in my mind that I wanted him and I loved him and I could not live without him. I saw some of the things in me that I think he did not like. Some of the things in me that have changed and I vowed to myself that I would change them back.
He came back and he looked hopeful. Which made me hopeful. I clung to that look. And we tried. I tried to talk to him. I did more around the house. I took care of my baby so he did not have to. I tried to fix all of the things about myself that I thought he might not like. I talked to him more and we did more together. I was happy for the most part. But he refused to tell me he loved me. He kept saying he was not ready. And we kept having set backs, I did not understand why. One day (At the begging of March-about 4 months after he told me he did not love me anymore) I got onto his computer and I found a link to a diary website. My husband had an account and he was reading a womens entrys. It was obvious to me about the things she was saying that she was having an affair with my husband. I was upset, but I clamly looked at him and asked him if he was cheating on me. And he told me he did have an affair with this women. He was still talking to her on the phone during the last few months when we were trying to make this work. And as he was anwsering my questions and I started to realize that I subcountiously knew (at least some of it). We talked for a while and at the end of it....I felt better. Like a huge weight was off of my shoulder. Does that make sense? He said that he was so glad that I confrunted him, that he talked to me about it. He said that he loved me. He wanted to be with me. He said that he was sorry. He said that he felt better now that he told me about it and he told me he loves me. He says thing like we belong together. He said that this girl looked a lot like me, with a lot of the same intersest. He thought that he was drawn to her because she was so much like me (he seemed very honest and I want to beleive him). I told him that he had to completely cut ties with this women and he said he knew. He called her and told her it was over (it was a 3 minute conversation). He canceled all of his online accounts where he met her and kept in contact with her. And we started working on us again.
And it has been a month since this has come out. For the most part it has been a wonderful month. I still love him. I want to be with him. He makes me happy. And he says all of the things I want to hear. He tells me he loves me, that he is never going to leave me and we will be together forever, he tells me he is happy. He tells me he is sorry and that he made a terrible mistake. We have been having fun together again. Our sex life is amazing. He seems to always want to make love to me. We have not been apart at all, he has been very patient with me.
When we are together I am wondeful. I am happy. It is better than it was before all of this. I feel closer to him and he says he feels closer to me. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. But when I am away from him I get scared. I have doubts. I question him and I do not want to. And here is the worst part. I am so racked with doubt at these times that I go online and check the OW blog. She is in the middle of telling their story from the beggining. All I see when I read it is the wholes in the story he has told me. I know I should stop looking on that site. It is only hurting me more and it is not going to help me at all. But he promised me that when I ask him a question no matter how hard it is for him he will be honest with me. And when I read that site I see that he is still not being honest with me. What do I do? Everytime I bring any of this upto him and ask him any questions about the OW and their relationship he gets so upset. I do not want to hurt him, but when I do ask a question I need him to be honest with me. I am trying to rebuild my trust for him and he is still lying to me. I know that he just wants her to go away. He wants to forget this horrible thing he has done, but I am having trouble moving past the details. He does not want to tell me the details because he does not want to hurt me and he wants us to be able to move on. What should I do?
h&h, thank you for sharing your story. others will be around shortly to chime in. I know this is hard on you and you will be OK.
You say he has not given up contact with OW and you are sexually active with him. First thing you should do is protect yourself from any STDs.
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I am trying to rebuild my trust for him and he is still lying to me. I know that he just wants her to go away. He wants to forget this horrible thing he has done, but I am having trouble moving past the details. He does not want to tell me the details because he does not want to hurt me and he wants us to be able to move on. What should I do?
This is difficult when he is lying to you. You need to set some boundaries for yourself when dealing with his lies.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
First off, stop blaming yourself for your H's infidelity. You may not realize it, but you are. You mentioned in your post all your faults (that he said), but I haven't heard anything about his.
First thing to realize is that the A was your H's own selfish choice. It has nothing to do with you. You didn't MAKE him unhappy. You didn't force him into the arms of another woman. You have resposibilities as a W and a mother that you were taking care of.
Has he been remorseful in taking care of your insecurities or has he blown them off? Have the two of you gone into C to determine what the cause of the A was in the first place? This is a MUST. DO NOT sweep this under the rug or you will find yourself here again. I've seen it too many times.
Right now you're experiencing the "2nd honeymoon" phase of recovering from an A. All will be great for a few weeks, but will revert to the way things were because the root cause hasn't been solved. It's like putting a bandaid over a festering wound. It's good for the short term, but eventually what's underneath is going to to continue being infected.
Also, start rebuilding your self-esteem. You DO NOT NEED your H to live. As long as you believe that, he will always have a hold on you and if he cheats on you again, you will be twice as devastated. Know that you can stand on your own two feet without him. He is the one that has alot to prove to you. NOT the other way around.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thank you for your responses so far. You are right...I do blame my self for some of this, but I know that he made a decision on his own and part of that is his fault. Part of this is the OW fault in my opinion as well. She knew I was here. She drove over 6 hours one way to have sex with him one night when she knew I was here. At no point in that time did she say "hey, I wonder if I should not have sex with someone elses spouse, maybe I should turn around and go home". So I do have anger, but most of it is directed to her. I cannot explain it, but it is just how I feel.
He was still talking to her when I confrunted him, but had not been sexually active with her for over five months (she lives over 6 hours away, so that distance has helped us). As soon as I confrunted him about it and he was so remorseful, I told him that if we are going to work he needs to stop talking to her and stop all contact. He has canceled all of his online accounts, he called her and told her it was over(in a 3 minute conversation). Also, we are going to change our phone numbers. But you are right I have already discussed with that I want to get tested for STD's and he says that if I want to do that he will do it with me. He says that I should not have to go through this all alone because he says this is all his fault. He is the only person I have ever been sexually active with so I have never been tested before( a little nervous).
After he broke it off with her she started texting him because he would not answer her phone calls. He let me respond to her because he said that he made a promise to me not to talk to her again, so he let me take care of it. I texted her back and told her to leave us alone. She even had the nerve to text me and ask how I would feel if this happened to me. HELLO? This did happen to me...and of everyone in this situation I am the last person (in my opinion) that should know how this feels. But on a happy note- My H says she is afraid of me because I was in the army
Agree with MrBond - If H left again in a month, you have to be ready to be strong, have friends and a support network, and be able to go on with your life. The things you see in yourself that need fixed should be fixed, but for YOU, not him. He's got his own crap he needs to fix. You need to deal with feeling suicidal and like you have no one except for him.
Coming here was a good start to that. Can you find a church group or a club or a mom's group that you can use to make some new friends? Preferably women, so you are less tempted to connect with another guy to get back at H.
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
On the up side, your H did confess. Wow! What I wouldn't give for that right now. My H has been carrying on for 2+ years in some form or another with OW and on the two occasions when I asked him for answers, he just denied and and lied.
I can understand that it must have felt like a relief to know that your feelings/suspicions were validated.
It really is SO important for you to have a bigger social network than just your husband and another mutual friend. The power of friendship is AMAZING and strong. I developed many of my closest friendships with other moms at the elementary school where our children attended. Another good way to make new friends is to join a "MeetUp" group. I joined a women's hiking group via "MeetUp" and now have so many opportunities to get out in nature and connect with other women with similar interests.
I have also struggled with "spying". DON'T DO IT. In my experience, whenever I find something online, it only makes ME feel worse. I know it is innate to try to figure out all of the "whys"....but you will only hurt yourself and right now you need to protect yourself.
Do you have time to take up a new hobby? Something just for you that has nothing to do with H or your R? I took up photography and it has been such a great creative outlet.
You seem very similar to me in so many ways. But just know that you have a strength deep down that will get you through this. Focus on you and your child. Only YOU can make YOU happy. What are some fun/creative/interesting things that you can do this weekend just for you?
Once you start to focus your energies inward, you will feel empowered! It doesn't happen over night, but you will start to feel better. I promise!
Me - 49 H - 56 S - 23 D - 20 Married 25 years H moved out 10/11/13 H moved back in 10/13/13 H moved out again 8/1/14
Thank you abbey. You are right that I need to stop spying. I am going to try harder. I know that it seems like the right anwser to you for me to go out and meet new people, but I really do not like being around a lot of people or new people at all. People change, but in this I know that I have not. Being around new people will make me uncomfortable and unhappy and make me cling to my husband more than I already am (and even though he is being patient with me now, I know that if I cling to long it will have a negative impact). I am glad that it is working for you, but I really feel like that is a bad idea for me.
I have started doing some of the things that I used to do that made me happy and even some new things that I have always wanted to try. Those things are nice...they really are. But (while they pass the time) I do not love them as much as I used to. I have spent a long time being selfish and I am afraid that focusing too much on myself will just be an extention of that.
Mrbond...I wish that I could tell you how much your comment of my husband and I having a 2nd honeymoon scared me. The fact that you think it will end scares me. It has been three weeks and while we have had a few uncomfortable conversations about it we have both been happy. We both feel like our communication was the root of our problem. And this is an example of why I blame myself. I was young and stubborn. When we had a fight, I would get so mad that I would walk away. I would never listen to him. And then (because I have a bad memory) I would act like nothing happened a few days later and it would happen all over again the next time we had a problem. We never solved anything and it would fester. At some point he got tired of trying to coax me out of my anger and he started feeling like I did not love him any more because I was constantly giving him the silent treatment. And with no physcial, verbal or emotional contact we started to drift apart and he tried to look for friendship and/or love somewhere else. So are you saying that we have not gotten to the real root of the problem and because of that the happiness that we managed to salvage out of all of this is a smoke screen? I am not trying to call you out, but I would like to better understand how you came to that conclusion.
I would be lying to you if I said I was not scared that he might still be lying to me or he still might leave me. But I love him and I am committed to him. No matter what I will be there for him. I have no doubts about that. My real concern is how do I stop think about it? How do I move past the details? I know that they do not matter, but when I am not paying attention sometimes questions or fears sneak up on me. I need to know how to learn to trust again. Are there things that I can do to help me move past this and focus more on our future? I know that this will be a hard road, but this is the road I signed up for when I said "I Do".
Is it common for a cheating spouse to confess all of this? most people seemed surprised by the honesty he has started to give me. so I was just wondering what was most common.
I so agree with the two previous posts encouraging you to expand your circle of friends and support. We become far too vulnerable when we put all of our eggs in one person's basket -especially when that one person accidently or intentionally drops that basket! It also becomes an overwhelming responsibility to that person, at times perhaps even a burden, when they feel like the sole provider required to meet all of your needs.
Please explore your options - your local park & recreation district, church, play groups with your child, you said you were in the army - could you reconnect in that way?
As you start to gain confidence in your own ability to take good care of yourself, you will begin to radiate your new inner strength. People will notice and so will your husband. Positive energy is contagious.
Remember that you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. The fact that you are hopeful is a key ingredient in making any marriage work. Your goal is to keep your marriage together. Ask yourself this question: "Is what I'm going to say or do, going to bring me closer or further away from that goal?" This is a helpful barometer when you're debating with yourself about "What not to say."
Thanks for reaching out and connecting with us! We care about you and we're here for you!
Cheating spouses are like snowflakes. No two are alike. While some spouses unload their unfaithfulness like a vomitorium, with others, if you don't literally catch them in the act, they will lie till the end of time. I'm not sure if we know which behavior is most common - "Those that tell or those that never tell." Or if that even matters. Your husband, it seems, has chosen to talk honestly with you. When you suspect your husband is having an affair, and there's a lot of dishonesty & denial on his part, you end up feeling crazy. Since he has validated your suspicions - you have now started the process of healing. The road back from an affair is rocky with its ups and downs. Many couples have weathered this storm and now have healthier marriages with renewed commitment.
Have you considered speaking to a DB Coach? When I read that meeting new people for friendship & support may make you feel uncomfortable right now, I thought that calling a Coach to help guide you with solutions may be most helpful! Please consider!
