I posted this question in my sitch thread, but is probably too hidden among all of the others. Would love your feedback or experiences.
Question for the BITS and vets...
What is okay and not okay to talk about in couples therapy when DBing?
I ask this question, because I sometimes feel that I share too much as far as my personal growth and change sometimes. It builds great conversation and communication in therapy, but I wonder if it is counter-productive to DBing.
I want to keep the communication and healing lines open during our therapy sessions, as this is the only hour each week where we are allowed right now to talk about our R. I just don't want to give too much as to hurt my situation.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
She is the one who isn't sure, I think I'd be more inclined to listen.
Talking about your changes...BFD. Just a list of more words, that she heard before. Not meaning to offend, its just one of those show her don't tell her.
Unless the therapist is focusing directly on you? I'd listen twice and speak once.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
That is great advice J3B. I'm glad that I ran across it as I am set to begin MC with my W next week. Thanks!
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I think it depends on a lot of things. First and foremost, it shouldn't be an opportunity to promote yourself. You do that with your actions, as we know.
What is the goal of MC? I look at it like, I have an IC for me and MC is for the marriage. I think what you talk about should be related to that mostly. A good MC should help guide your sessions. (I believe there are a lot of bad MCs though)
In my sessions, I found I did a lot of the talking. subsequently, I felt at times I was being addressed more than my wife. We talked about it in our last session. The MC basically said that the amount of talking, emotion, etc. you bring, is most likely what you'll get back.
I mostly think anything is fair game as it relates to the marriage.
However, in my situation by the time we got to MC, my W was pretty sure she wanted to work on things. She even selected the MC because she knew he was pro-marriage.
I'm not a BIT or Vet,
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
She is the one who isn't sure, I think I'd be more inclined to listen.
Talking about your changes...BFD. Just a list of more words, that she heard before. Not meaning to offend, its just one of those show her don't tell her.
Unless the therapist is focusing directly on you? I'd listen twice and speak once.
Thanks, Jack. Great input. I think that I am truly trying to listen to my W in our sessions. I guess this has more to do with the topic generation than anything. Once the communication starts going, my W does begin to talk. I have really been working on validation and active listening. It has been a point a few times where my W was actually uncomfortable with me listening. She said that it came across like I was trying too hard. My therapist stated that it appears that I was really trying to validate her feelings and this was positive.
I find the days we come to couples therapy without an agenda are the most rewarding. This is when we stop and let the therapist guide our topics. I think this has allowed the most positive communication results. Rewarding to who, though? Me? I am not really sure as my W and I don't bring the conversation away from that session. That may be a topic to bring up next time.
I understand the concept that my words are only words, but my actions will go much further. The topic of my change has been in discussion, but I am not the one that brings it up. My W, like many WAS, are concerned that the changes will not last. I told her exactly what I have learned here. That my changes will only be validated with consistency over time. I actually told her that me telling her that I have changed for the better is meaningless. My therapist asked my W to accept the changes in the present as they occur. If over time, she recognizes that they are still there, then she can make up her mind whether or not to trust that the are in fact long term change.
My emotional detachment was also discussed. My therapist recognized that I have a calm to me now. I confirmed this and said that I am getting to a place where I am accepting wherever this may go.
So as far as my question goes, I guess I am asking if these are topics that I should avoid? Vets often talk that this process and the DB and DR books are our little secret and not to share. When the therapist or W ask questions about me that involve my DBing, how should I discuss them?
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
I think it depends on a lot of things. First and foremost, it shouldn't be an opportunity to promote yourself. You do that with your actions, as we know.
What is the goal of MC? I look at it like, I have an IC for me and MC is for the marriage. I think what you talk about should be related to that mostly. A good MC should help guide your sessions. (I believe there are a lot of bad MCs though)
I totally agree. Self promotion is not my goal here at all, although I do find myself initiating topics more often than my W. I guess that speaks more of where each of us are at the moment.
My W had the A and has moved out while she determines what is best for her. She agreed to go to therapy to help rebuild the two of us as it relates to parenting our S, or in time, reconcile the M. That decision has not been made yet, but it is obvious that my W is not ready to reconcile and save the marriage at this time. We also discuss how our R relates to W's sexual orientation questions. In the end, I think I simply need to allow my therapist to steer the ship while my W and use the selected topics as our basis for communication.
Originally Posted By: Harrier
I mostly think anything is fair game as it relates to the marriage.
Good to know. I try to be careful not backslide in therapy if that makes sense. I hear so much concerning avoiding R talk in certain situations, but I assume that couples therapy is the one place where it should be okay with no restrictions? Does that make sense?
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
I think I'm going to let my MC know that I'm DBing. I got an opened cancelled spot for tomorrow, but my H has decided he doesn't want to go. I told him that we have another appointment for Monday, but he asked if we could get a later appointment in the week. I'm not sure what that means. I guess it's good that I can go alone to the appointment tomorrow though, to let the therapist know what's been going on.
The last time we went together, he did most of the talking (the therapist made him), but we did do a lot of bickering whenever I would speak. I was such a mess last time. I guess that's why he's so reticent to go again.....
Any advice on how not to cry during the session? I do pretty well talking to everyone else about it, but I just fall apart in there.
