I HAD been responding to those text, most of the advice I have received have been to avoid those responses. Advice from DB coach is to be "mysterious.". Well, maybe I just don't know how to interpret all of this advice. How to put it into action correctly.
She said for YOU to be mysterious, not your daughter's health/well being to become mysterious....
You can respond with a simple, she is fine, thank you for asking...
Insert yourself into that position next time...
What would YOU want ?
Originally Posted By: CS
TBH, I don't need going dark to protect myself. Contact with her does not hurt me. I just want to "do what works.". I just don't know what that is right now.
May you do need to be a little dark to find that out ?
Originally Posted By: CS
How do I determine when and when not to respond? She asks about D every time I have her, sick or not.
You get as good as you give....
Originally Posted By: CS
How does my particular sitch affect my actions?
There is still an element of superiority in your words, and your words become your actions....
Like, you deserve better, because it wasn't you that made this decision to separate.
Originally Posted By: CS
How do I reconcile being there for her more, since I wasn't in our M, to all of the other DB strategies?
I'm not sure you can force yourself into her life enough to be. Now isn't the time for words, it is the time for actions.
You aren't gonna talk your way out of something you acted your way into...
How do you see all of the communication problems from the past weekend as you being more "present" for her ?
PEI, I have seen how thoroughly you have gone back through my sitch. How does my particular sitch affect my actions? How do I reconcile being there for her more, since I wasn't in our M, to all of the other DB strategies?
I'm going to reiterate Grit's thoughts here ... I no longer see DB as a strategy. I see it as a way of life, a set of skills and tools (check out thread in MLC called "To DB or not to DB, that is the question ...").
The question that really started me on my path came from J3B and he asked me:
Originally Posted By: J3B to PEI
He called you controlling any truth to that? Do you like that about yourself?
I answered it really honestly and although I rode the roller coaster and made (continue to make!) all kinds of mistakes, that really set me on my path.
I dug, I mean I REALLY dug. And sometimes I had to be pushed back in to the hole to dig some more. Acknowledging what you need/want to change in only step one, step two is consciously being different (Just Do It!) ... but the third and most important part of that process is digging out your WHYs. Without going inside and figuring out WHY you behave in a certain way, and dealing with THAT issue, you will always have to expend effort to maintain "changes". If you sweep out the skeletons you no longer have to hold the closet door shut.
I'm not the same person I was when I got here, and I will be eternally grateful for that ... if you have some time on your hands (zip it Mach and Grit) feel free to read up on my sitch. I'm warning you ('cause if I don't those clowns will), it's long.
As far as not knowing how to "do what works" ... well, only you can evaluate what that is. I know that's not the answer you wanted, but it's the truth. Right now, your best friend is TIME.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
You aren't gonna talk your way out of something you acted your way into...
This little nugget became my mantra ... REALLY take it to heart.
I remember after one particular painful discussion with my wife, I said to her, "I'm not going to make any more promises those are just words, I can only show you through actions."
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Thanks to all of the replies. I think I know now how to get back on track. Truth is, I was doing pretty well for a while. I think I then just got impatient and started to try too hard. Back to the basics.
I just have to keep reminding myself, even if she files today, I still have 6 months. I guess that isn't even my timeline. Either way, I have time. I need to stay patient!
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
CS, Sorry I haven't been around lately, I had my $hit to take care of. Even after 19 months I have my moments. ot that I thought we would get back together but the way my W is acting is nothing like the person I knew. That's OK, I decided I will not waste any more time on her. I am pushing ahead and filing for myself.
Quote:
I just have to keep reminding myself, even if she files today, I still have 6 months. I guess that isn't even my timeline. Either way, I have time. I need to stay patient!
You may find that the WAS doesn't act so fast when they need to file.
Some once wrote: "Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't WANT to be with you?".
I haven't heard from him in awhile but I know he's still around somewhere.
Do something for you again this week.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
... if you have some time on your hands (zip it Mach and Grit) feel free to read up on my sitch. I'm warning you ('cause if I don't those clowns will), it's long.