It's Time To Rock; Part II

[ninelives]

Maybe, but this thing is also a livnig breathing thing that is happening to us and is forever changing. just when you get a handle on it, something else happens.

Try and be strong CS and stick to the DB principles as best you can. you will make mistakes but try to not repeat them too much.

you will have down days, no question about it.

9

[♪CS♪]

For a local reference, it is like the road to Tahoe. There are ups and downs, but overall, you keep climbing. That is what we need to do. Recognize that there will be bumps, but as long as we are still climbing, we will ultimately get were we need to be.

[Truegritter]

I have admit PEI, I am very impressed that you found that! I really appreciate you participating in my sitch

hoo haa!

Look out I'm gonna remind you said this after a while.

She can use up your 10 pages in one post!

We don't call her fingersplints for nothing...

[♪CS♪]

Back to a question I had a while back, how do you know what is working?

Well, with our D sick this weekend I ignored all of my W’s texts. I admitted before there were some ill intensions here, but I also just really needed some space after our talk on Thursday. I knew I screwed up and wanted some space from it all.

Well, I asked today how W and D was feeling (W is now sick too).

She replies:

“We r gonna b fine. In the future, can you remember that it’s nice to hear back when u r wondering how D is doing – especially when she is sick?” She then added some “instructions” for me for my time with D the next two nights.

Looks like I developed an anger phase now. Tough to look at this as a positive. Seems like I was better off in the “friend zone.”

Well, I replied back:

“I understand W. I needed some time this weekend and put all my efforts into D. Realize that I did not chose this and would prefer to be there for D every day. I do understand how hard it must be for you as well”

Then…

“You could have texted back, especially after she went to sleep. Don’t pretend that you didn’t have time cause u were taking care of her. I was worried and deserved an answer. A quick text to tell me whether my D is ok or not is something I will expect from now on. I get that u need time and space to heal, and u have permission to act however u want towards me, but not when it is about D”

Me: “W, I understand that you are angry. Again, my actions were not intended to hurt you. I needed to focus on D and myself this weekend. It was important for me.”

Last one:

"Again, it takes 30 seconds, I expect updates when D is sick,
regardless of what you need to do for yourself"

I think I will just end it there. Some of the irony in there. What she “deserves” and “expects.” Putting our D ahead of ourselves? Does she not see how funny this is?

This is a new one for me. We have not had this type of hostility towards each other. Again, how do you know what works? I can’t see this as “working.” It feels like a big step back for me. Until this we had always been friendly towards each other.

I need to rethink what I am doing here. What I want and what it will take to get there. Obviously I have taken a wrong turn somewhere. Need to find the correct path again…

[Redo]

Maybe you can set a rule. All info relating to daughter will get relayed(pick your communication method). Maybe you can just text her. So there you did set your boundary. If your wife crosses that boundary and expects more, then do your 180. In past if you were passive, then send a strong message back informing that you did what was needed and if she needed more then under the current situation that she has created it would not be possible. If you were the aggressive, then send back a more passive message that calms her down but still informs her of the situation.

my 2cents.

[♪CS♪]

The thing was, I was always the dominate one in our R. I really don't think boundaries are my issue.

She felt my refusal of updates over the weekend were just to hurt her. I would not say hurt, but I do admit that I wanted her to feel some loss. Perhaps my ulterior motive was easy to spot. Maybe it is just a natural response. The truth is though, I don’t think I am obligated to send those updates. To do so would be to help W, not D. Nothing I did hurt D at all. In fact, my darkness helped me focus even more on D.

I think it comes down to a decision for me. What kind of R do I want with W right now? Do I want the friendly spot? Does that help or hurt me? Is this anger actually letting her process some loss? Or will it only dig my grave faster? I just don’t know. The fact is, I am still reacting to how she is responding to my actions, until that stops I will continue to find myself in this spot.

One last update:

I end up saying “I have consistently been putting D #1. I will not apologize for how I have acted as a father.”

She responds: "I’m not talking about u as a dad. I’m talking about the importance of communication between us about her, but you’re right, keeping updates ongoing about her health is part of your fatherly role."

And last one by me: “I will continue to provide all necessary updates when it is important to D’s well being”

I’m not sure what she is referring to with the “you’re right” in that last one.

I guess what tears me here. I do not want this type of R between us right now. But I also cannot agree with what she expects. She is asking for what would help her, but trying to sell it as what is important for D. I guess I have done this as well….

I could use some guidance on what direction to go here. This kind of put me at a loss when it comes to the “do what works” idea…

[islander]

Idk what the right answer is. I think that anything that has to do with your D should be responded to, especially if she is sick. JMO.

Other than that, I don't know how we are to determine what is working and what is not. What if the anger your W showed you meant that she was not happy with the consequences of her decision, or maybe she was just angry.

Then we try to guess what is going on and adjust our strategy, all the while flying blind.

I am having a real hard time determining if my strategy of not wanting to be friends right now is working or just making things worse. I know in the end, I will not be friends with her, but what about now. I almost want to sit down and talk to her about this, but I know that can't happen. What to do, what to do.

[Truegritter]

Country

It is hard to go completely dark when you have children.

Think of why you are doing this.

Going dark is for you. It is a boundary to protect you.

It is not to punish, coerce, or expect anything from your W. Except to respect your boundary.

What you got is what she felt was you punishing her when she felt it was a duty of a responsible parent to keep her informed.

I think I might agree.

What did you think her reaction would be?

If she wants to talk to you about anything other than the kids or an absolute emergency then if you need that boundary then stay dark.

How did you communicate this boundary to begin with? I might have missed that from you on here.

Did you tell her you will not be engaging her?

[PEI]

The thing was, I was always the dominate one in our R.

How's that workin' for ya?

CS,

You had an opportunity to validate her feelings and instead took the opportunity to make it about YOU and YOUR feelings. You did not hear what she was trying to tell you, and I'm guessing it triggered in her the feeling that you NEVER heard what she was trying to tell you, and that's why she came back harder and stronger.

I have become aware of my problems and I know I am also responsible for the situation we are in. I drank too much, I was controlling, I didn't give her enough attention, we didn't do a lot of fun things togeter, etc. I also was at times verbally abusive. I take full responsibilty for my part, and I am working on improving myself in all of these areas.

She was a very loving wife until the last year or so. She was not a hurtful person. One of the problems in our relationship is she did not stand up for herself. She let me dominate and just bottled up her frustration.

She is standing up for herself now.

I think I find I am attracted to people who have a greater deal of compasion than myself, and my wife had this. I feel like now she has done a 180. I think she always had to be the piece keeper. Always had to be the "nice" one, now she is doing the complete opposite.

If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say she got pretty dang tired of peace keeping and not standing up for herself. Any attempt you make that gets interpreted as control will trigger all of those old feelings in her. Learn to validate ... which means NO BUTS. You can't follow up an "I understand" with "but..." either actually or figuratively....

I understand W. <BUT> I needed some time this weekend and put all my efforts into D. Realize that I did not chose this (she's aware of this) and would prefer to be there for D every day. I do understand how hard it must be for you as well”

A quick text to tell me whether my D is ok or not is something I will expect from now on.

This does not seem unreasonable to me. If the shoe was on the other foot, how would you feel?

What you got is what she felt was you punishing her when she felt it was a duty of a responsible parent to keep her informed.

I think I might agree.

I agree with Grit. Personally, I think you could have avoided this in the first place by replying to her texts this weekend (within reason) with updates such as "sleeping peacefully" or "no more vomiting" etc ... no chit chat, just facts. Since you didn't do that you probably could have avoided a lot of the above exchange by answering her first text with "I understand."

Peace
PEI

[PEI]

Did you tell her you will not be engaging her?

At this point what he said doesn't matter unless his actions line up, and he does still engage her when he feels "attacked" by her expressing HER feelings etc.

Actions. Not words.

PEI