[quote]A part of me feels a little bad for her knowing how much she hurts not being there for our D when she is sick. But, really? Nothing I can do about that. Well, I could make it easier on her by providing the constent updates. But that is not what I want. [/quote
These are the consequences of her decisions. Don't save her.
What is your schedule with yourD? do you have certain days then your W has them?
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
What is your schedule with yourD? do you have certain days then your W has them?
It still revolves around W's work schedule, much like it was before. She works 3 nights a week. It works out as 2 week nights and every other weekend. These are the nights I have D, nights she has off, she has her. The only tweak has been on her weekend off I get D that Monday. This way it works out 50/50. I get 7 nights/days every two weeks.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Country How can they do this to their children? I could never do something that I know is causing my D2 pain. The WAW just doesn't care. She will try to convince us that they will do anything for their child. I'm sure they do care, but they choose to put themselves over their kids. They are no longer the people we married
They are not just putting themselves in front of their children. They have chosen OM over their child. It really hit me on Friday when we talked. She is not the person I married. That is hard to see, but it also starts making it easier. It's the first time it became so clear to me. It makes it easier to detach. The fact is I left realizing that the person she is now, is not a person I want to be married to.
This was a tough weekend for me. D was very sick. Hard to think that she has chosen OM rather than be here for her D when she is sick. But, I was here. It kept me occupied and focused.
I have ignored every message she sent this weekend. I understand that it does hurt her not to be here. But that is what she has chosen. I'm not here to make that easier on her.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Parallel lives my friend. I have my D2 too this weekend and she is getting sick. I don't want to high jack your thread with an update on my sitch so I'll just say this. No matter what we say about our kids, they will find a way to justify their actions. Missing their kids means something entirely different to them then it does to us. We would do anything to not put them through this, while they see it as collateral damage. Like they have no control over stopping it. They aren't who we married anymore and may never be.
Listen guys, I'm not trying to be a harda$$ but honestly, there's a lot of "poor me" crap flying around. Let's get brutally honest here for a minute and remember that and OP is usually a SYMPTOM of a problem. <side note> before anyone goes off on me, heare me out ...
People don't walk away from happy, healthy, fulfilling relationships.
And relationships have TWO contributors.
Why not really focus on the parts you control? All of us LBSs get bombed and then BOOM! we make changes ... and then we're p!ssed because the WAS doesn't see it our way on our timeline. Dammit, don't they understand that we get it now? Why aren't they back? Why don't they see that I will do whatever it takes to make this work?
Well, frankly, there are many reasons. It usually takes years to get this point (vs the months we've had since the bomb to try to "be different"). Years of them building resentment and being angry because they didn't feel ___ or they did feel ___. In my stbxH's case he didn't feel heard and he did feel managed and controlled. When the bomb dropped I promised the world, but you know what ... I would not have been capable of delivering it at that time. Nope. If he had come back then I would not have been able to keep my end of the deal, because all of my issues that led me to behave in certain ways would have still been simmering under the surface.
I read on here, and I think it was Cat (here's your nickle) that said - and I warn you I'm paraphrasing - that the real work is piecing, and if you're not really ready and able to do it because you didn't take the time that was gifted to you, to truly work on yourself ON ALL LEVELS, than that is a damn shame and a total waste.
Your Ss are on their personal journeys. Stop watching out the rearview mirrors and start looking in your own. And I mean look past the surface ... sure, be attractive and healthy and all that stuff. But really dig into the dynamic.
My marriage has not been saved, but I have. I am now fully aware of what I have to offer and what I want in a partner. I know who I am and what I'm made of. And I have a lot of compassion for my stbxH. I can only imagine the internal turmoil he must have been in to make the choices he felt were necessary.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Great post PEI, and it is excellent advice for what we need to do as an LBS.
I do understand that the OM is a symptom, and I do take responsibility for my part in getting us to this point. I know I still have a lot of work to do on my end to become the person I want to be.
That said, I still stand by my comments above. Compassion is needed in these situations, however, that does not mean we have to agree with the actions of the WAS. Like I said, I understand that she would not have walked away from a healthy R, but it is also not an excuse to have an A. I think there is a line there between understanding and compassion and making excuses for what the WAS is doing. An A is never an appropriate, healthy or positive response to the problems in a M. We all know here that there is another choice. Even if the choice becomes leaving the M, there are better ways to handle the situation.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
