My old thread is under "Plese help: tell if I'm crazy or not".
I need to have a difficult conversation with W later this week about her relationship with her boss. We've had a few over the past years and she reacted very strongly - accussing me of being weak, jealous, and told me to "act like a man".
Been working the DB principles and yep, they work. If I go on like this doesn't bother me W is happy with me and affectionate. However, the following things are hard to ignore:
She and boss have very friendly, close conversations at bars, largely ignoring coworkers.
They send emails frequently - friendly and a few I and others here feel are inappropriate (...thinking of you, was one tag line).
Boss arranges many team building exercises and makes sure he is teamed with W.
W dresses UP when boss will be around - e.g., today: short sweater dress with boots bc she has meeting with boss all day. No one else at company dresses like this. Non-boss days are slacks or jeans.
W describes boss the friends and family as "super smart", "nice", "reall good", "funny".
Boss clearly like W and they travel together a few times a year.
Am I nuts to want to discuss this??? Women, help, how would you react to this?
I need to stand up and have a calm conversation, where W doesn't steamroll me. W doesn't do feelings, and HATES these tallks.
How can I find out if she has feelings for this man? An EA? A PA? Without the conversation going wrong AGAIN?
Unless you have proof, do NOT have this conversation. You need to either have the "I know all about you and _______, and I won't live in an open marriage" talk, or nothing at all. To play it down the middle, and accuse without iron-clad proof, only makes you look weak, needy and defensive.
I would agree that it appears highly likely that your wife is having at least an EA with this man, and she is disprespecting her marriage and acting inappropriately. I would recommend you either:
1. Get iron-clad proof and confront her; or
2. Just assume she is (having an affair with her boss).
Playing it down the middle is a recipe for disaster.
Honey, I need to ask you something. And I need for you think about it from my perspective so we can put it to rest when we talk again later.
You and your boss work pretty closely together, under some stressful circumstances, and are in contact just about every day. I know you don't want me to question your relationship with him or to act like I am jealous and, TRUST ME, I don't want to feel that way either. But some of his behaviors strike me as odd for a superviser and it's pretty clear that he is at least a little bit attracted to you.
This is not an issue of trusting you. I know you'd never intentionally hurt me, or our marriage. But I've learned the hard way that we don't really control our feelings - it's sometimes too easy for one thing to lead to another and spark intense feelings where we never intended them, especially when we work closely with someone.
Why am I bringing this up? Because it worries me more than it should. It prevents me from being the man I want to be and the husband you deserve.
Before you react, please remember, you have all the details. You know exactly what occurs and how you feel about it. You'd know if it's nothing. I don't. I can only guess, based on the little bit I see. So while you can be secure that things are how you'd like them to be, I can't always be that way. If things were reversed - I'd want to know how you felt so I could reassure you or make changes in what I was doing.
I'm being honest with you. Now I really need you to be honest with me.
Is there some underlying attraction between you?
Do you have this under control?
Do you set whatever boundaries are necassary to protect your heart, and mine?
I really need your complete honesty, yes even if it hurts. Especially if it hurts. That's the only way we can move forward.
Sorry, but from MHO, this conversation makes you sound weak. Nothing good for you will come out of it.
She said to "act like a man" and you've said she does not like these type of conversations and the last few you had went badly. So, why do you think it will go any better this time around?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Sandi2, I was afraid of that. I tried to keep it simple but.....is there a way to have this conversation that doesn't sound weak???
I'm concerned that allowing it to continue without mentioning anything is also weak.
I feel I've regained some of my strength over the past 6 months and thought that maybe someone who is really strong wouldn't hesitate to say what was on their mind.
Sorry, but from MHO, this conversation makes you sound weak. Nothing good for you will come out of it.
She said to "act like a man" and you've said she does not like these type of conversations and the last few you had went badly. So, why do you think it will go any better this time around?
Yes and carrying on with the OM while your husband tolerates makes you look super strong and manly...not to mention how it helps the self-esteem. I think sometimes these wives with their OMs have no concept of reality. They put us in a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Thank you, both. Very much. Two very good points of view.
I think this is the crux of my situation, really. Limited options, none very good. I won't leave. I won't find myself an OW. So I can either talk this out or endure it.
My recent experience suggests that *IF* I can endure it, things between W and I seem better. That's been a powerful lesson. I don't want to mess that up. So I take Sandi2's point there. Sandi2, you've given me great advice before and kept me on the path.....I believe you, that this wouldn't go well. Absolutely right. And I imagine that whatever is going on will have to take it's natural path regardless.
But I yearn for some basic respect. And I've learned a lot and grown much as a person and a husband - and I was pretty good to start with, really. I do an awful lot to support my W's goals and dreams.
Yes, I'm quite sure if I bring this up my W will yell and call me names and question my manhood, then sulk and cut off the affection for a while.....and, after all, she could be right. Maybe there's absolutely nothing going on. But I might win back a little self-respect too.
A toughie.
<warning: venting ahead>
I'm not suggesting this or saying I'll do this (I won't, period)....but why is it that many on the "what makes a man attractive?" thread pointed out that if another women were playing with their H, Ws would suddenly find their husbands more attractive. Is that what it would take to prove I'm strong and good enough? (Harrier, hey look, there's a whole BAG of cookies over there.....kidding man, you know that....) OK, calming down. There are evolutionary psychology terms for these behaviors - I have a shelf full of books about them. Ironic, isn't it.
<all clear: venting over, sorry>
Could there be a way to essentialy cover this same ground without a conversation? I'm at a loss.....
Maybe someone could enlighten me, but I don't see how questioning this "relationship" calls into question your manhood.
By all accounts, this guy is putting the moves on your wife, he has a history of this behavior. In what kinda of twisted mind does that make you week for not tolerating it? i think you look 10X more weaker for tolerating it. I think if she respected you then she would take what you say to heart. What else is making her not respect you?
I get that, if nothing is going on, your wife might be hurt that you don't trust her. But that has nothing to do with being weak.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Still, would you describe your W as the dominant person in your R?
If so, I think you need to work on this dynamic before confronting her. If you are worried about being steamrolled, you will be. Think about how you can begin practicing this before you confront her.
I don’t blame you for wanting to have this conversation at all. I know I would. But make sure you are absolutely ready for it if you do. There is a fine line between being a strong and confident man, and simply coming across as an A-hole. And the last thing you want is to come across as weak. You need to find the right balance.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
