I am a bit confused in applying the db last resort method.
I will not as about her day, not follow her around, not do any date nights and anything which could be considered pursuing.
However in the interest of her still seeing the good about us, do I accept her invitation to watch tv together? When I plan a family activity for Sunday with kids do I include her, tell her about it, get her input, or pretend like she does not exist?
I want her to have full freedom without pressures from me, however I dont want to shoo away her positive advances and signs of interest. Or is that a bad idea so then she will think she can have her freedom but when it's time for us to spend together when she wants I am sitting waiting for her.
Need help finding balance between last resort and still being involved and giving positive reinforcement. I am confused.
Right not she is full blown mid life crisis. There is full blown EA on her side but so far has not been intimate.
Paper, there are no easy answers here. What you have to determine is what works for your wife. Each case is different.
I have the most success when I totally let go of the rope and she thinks she is losing me. Trouble is , when that happens and she makes advances , I cave and want to talk R talk.
As i said , there are no clear cut blueprints for this. For the most part, they have to see the consequences of their actions and what life would be like without you in it. HOw long this goes on for is undetermined.
There are others way more qualified to give you support. I am just filling in for the most part as I know weekends are slow for some reason.
All the best.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
Paper, I am no more qualified than 9. He is right you have to do what works and what works for me may not work for you. I know this is not the answer you wanted. One of the vets here has doing what works in their sig line.
Please remember these are not techniques that will magically win your S back. These are techniques to improve yourself and help you deal with your sitch. Doing so may favorably impact your sitch and bust the sitch you find yourself in. There are enough success stories on this board to give me hope. Don’t loose faith in the techniques but realize they are for you. There is no magic bullet.
JMO but some of what you are describing seems like pursuing.
Originally Posted By: Paper
When I plan a family activity for Sunday with kids do I include her, tell her about it, get her input,
Again JMO, but I’d plan it, tell her about it as if I didn’t care if she was present or not, then execute it. If she shows up great, if not she can hear about the good time had by all without her.
I went looking for the "Drop the rope analogy". I thought I had saved it as a piece of wisdom. Can someone repost it?
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
It's so hard to tell when you're doing the right thing. I usually put the invitation out there when the kids and I are doing something fun the EH might enjoy. He normally says no, but he knows he's welcome every time. I think by asking him he knows we still see him as part of the family. He has actually asked me a couple of times to join him and the kids when he takes them someplace special and that was a really good feeling, not to mention a really fun day. I dont' know if it's right for your sitch, but bf you think it's important for him to know he's welcome then I don't see anything wrong with asking as long as you're prepared for him to say no.
Me 34 H 37 M 12/97 H moved out 03/09 D 05/10 S 17 D 12 S 11
Ok first, try to stick to one thread. It makes it easier for us to follow you...
Next, I have seen this on a few of the new threads and will try to address it here and hopefully others will read it as well...
LRT...Last Resort Technique...
Is a very confusing idea. The easiest way to explain it is, it is an ultimatium.
One that you should be prepared to live with the consequences of either way and one that you should not give, if you are not willing or able to follow through with it. Because if you don't follow through, you will lose all credibility.
What you really are trying to do right now is go dim or dark. Which means to have minimal or no contact.
This process, gives the WAS time and space to hopefully see what exactly it is they are asking for by leaving or wanting to leave.
While you do this, you should also be doing things for yourself, changing things about yourself and your life that you want to be different.
Become a better person and a better option for your S and yourself.
I am sorry you find yourself here.
As you continue to post, you will find a good support system.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Well said cat, very succint and to the point. I like the part especially the ultimatium part and living with the consequences one way or another.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
I also see the LRT as an ultimatium-- especially when there is an EA involved. As long as you keep yourself accessible, your S will not have to make any tough choices and can keep living the best of both worlds. Granted, she is most likely miserable in her current situation anyway (living in the middle is no fun), but don't make it any easier on her to continue there forever.
Please stick to one thread. Also, can you give us some information, like is she still living under same roof with you, the ages of you and W.....and kids, if any, etc.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sorry for multiple posts, I don't want to give too much away in case she comes and finds this place.
We have two young children and we are in the same house, still staying in same bed, doing normal daily activities like dinner together as family both in and out, doing family stuff, all that. She admitted to EA which turned to a kiss (one time).
Had one counseling session, she said she has stopped contact with the OM (but admitted she still wants him as a friend in the long run). We are also seeing counselors each of us on our own (at least she said she was).
Things are WAY too delicate to have more discussions right now. I've beat the dead horse and made some mistakes in my reactions and communication. So I am totally laying off. Going dark is a good way to put it. Disconnecting, moving on, and acting as if she is not in the picture, but still being polite, but not too available. Harder with the kids.
She said she wants a separation, then when I blew up, she said she really was just done, wanted her freedom.
The LAST RESORT TECHNIQUE is where you pull back, stop all pursuit. It's going dark, and there are 'shades' that are appropriate to every situation. Basically, you do not intiate contact, don't give yourself an excuse. Be less available -- respond to every few contacts your spouse makes. Let them begin to have to live without you. YOU work on yourself...improve the issues your spouse had with you.
You give yourself a second chance at a great first impression.
The ultimate is the AFTER the Last Resort Technique. They are not the same.
