It is amazing, the feeling of her moving. Enjoy it. You're going to meet her soon!
Don't worry about the odds and ends. That happens. It's nesting; it's biological. I did that too and never felt prepared, but I was in the end. You'll be fine.
Try if you can to just really focus inward right now. I know the stuff you have to do, your H, the allergies, but there is so much empowerment in this final months of pregnancy, in the birthing process itself, and in becoming a new and beautiful mom to a baby girl.
Just breathe that in a couple times a day through all the chaos. That is yours - and it is hers - and no one or nothing can take that away from you.
No matter what your H decides or doesn't decide, give this to yourself. With or without him, savor that little arm. That little foot movement. One day, she'll have a chubby arm in a dress and you'll think "Gosh, she used to be inside my womb!"
It's an amazing time, and while I'm really sorry your H is creating this stress in your life, just try to turn it into a leaf and blow it away. "For now." It's not forever, but just for now.
Ground. Relax, eat something warm, tea, curl up. Talk to her and tell her you'll be ready for her when she is. Send that love to her and yourself right now.
I think she's dropped. I can breathe easier, but walking is rather uncomfortable suddenly and its difficult to sit with my legs close together or crossed. And the pressure! Oh my gosh.
I don't think I'm going to tell H. I've heard that dropping in your first pregnancy can happen several weeks before you actually deliver, so there's no need to get him worked up when he's on the other side of the country. He's coming home Monday night (unless he flips out again...).
I'm going to see if someone can help me build the crib this weekend just in case. H never got around to it (surprise, surprise). And I'll pack my hospital bag.
This weekend was going to be the "finish the nursey" weekend for me anyway. Do it while H is away so he doesn't have the pressure. If he just comes back and everything is finished, it's one less thing for him to deal with when he is unable to deal with so little lately.
Watch out folks: he asked about the baby again today. Via text, and then apparently I didn't answer soon enough, so he IMed me as well. Also inquired about my finance class and if my brother was still staying with me.
I had to put him off for a bit (I was on the phone and not just trying to make him wait on purpose). When I was finished I updated him a bit and let him know that my brother planned to stay with me until he returned for my safety. To be polite I asked how he was too. Said he was good, but tired.
And left it at that.
But hey, NEVER has he asked about her twice in one week... much less hunting me down in another medium to get his answer. Now I wish I knew if he was really only asking about her, or if he wanted to genuinely know about me too. I guess you could argue he didn't have to ask about my finance class, but he may just be wanting to know to make him feel less guilty about me being so financially retarded.
Speaking of finances, I spoke with the financial broker dedicated to my work today to start setting aside a more appropriate amount of money to my retirement in addition to my teacher retirement contributions. And I have pulled all of my financial records for my personal consultation that I have coming up. It feels very empowering.
I have a huge amount of anxiety today. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's because H is still gone and he's staying the weekend in Cali? I don't know. I just have overwhelming anxiety about him being out there with potential OW. I don't know why today is so different though. It's not like he's more there today than he was any other day of this week.
I hate that there is any potential inkling of an A. This would be much less difficult if there wasn't. That is the hardest part honestly. Harder than him saying he wants a D. Harder than him basically ignoring our child. Harder than him being absent. It's if there's an A.
I think it's just because of my personal history with my dad doing that. He told me he purposefully had an A in order to have a fail proof way to end his M. And it just killed me. He said he tried to get the D to make me happier (admittedly I was a very depressed child). But how foolish men are. It's a hard day in a girl's life when she realizes her dad is nothing more than an ordinary man who makes very ordinary and stupid choices.
So the thought that my H would do something similar is so painful it's practically indescribable. In the book, "His Needs, Her Needs" the author actually claims that an A is probably the most traumatic thing that can happen to someone. While I don't know if that's true, it certainly has been the most painful thing to happen to me, and I don't even know if it's actually happened.
It's the peace of mind he's stolen from me. The trust he's broken. And wondering why he would do something so hurtful, especially knowing how badly I was hurt from my father's decision.
I'm just having a really hard day. My contract for my job was even renewed today, and I cannot for the life of me focus on that instead of the anxiety.
I don't know if this will resonate with you, but have you ever listened to Esther Hicks? I started to recently and it's changing my life. You can look up some recordings on YouTube by searching Abraham-Hicks and hear different recordings about relationships, etc.
You're doing phenomenally well for someone who thinks their husband might be having an affair. Really, in the end, he can't hurt you (that's what A-H) says. I know it's a long stretch of the imagination to get there b/c he is a part of your life and As HURT! But no one can really steal your peace of mind. Not unless you allow them to.
I know that's sooo much easier said than done. But it is a possible reality.
Anyway, I hope you have a better night or a better day tomorrow. Try to find some peace in yourself and let the rest go, even for a few minutes.
I had a dream last night that he served me with D papers. This did not help my anxiety.
I eventually became so anxious last night I threw up. I haven't done that in a a very long time. H's best friend met me for dinner to get me out of the house. While it calmed me down, it still left me frustrated. I just want to be done with this. BF wants this to be done for us. He thought H and I had the ideal marriage. So did I.
I feel like I've done a pretty good job for the last month, but between the pregnancy, being sick, and trying to wrap up the school year, I'm just exhausted. Physically and emotionally. And I feel like his behaviors have shown signs of improvement. It's just me that's losing it at this point.
I put the crib together last night. By myself. Again, it's not a question of whether or not I'll be fine on my own. I know I will. I just don't want to be on my own.
