Status of EA

[punchy]

Looking for some direction with respect to my wife's EA. 3 months ago I was able to confirm that my wife was having an EA with a co-worker. I told her that if she wanted to be with him, then she should go. She could not treat me like a roommate and carry on with him.

3 months have passed and she is still living at home etc. She has not indicated to me what the status of their relationship is. Just after I confronted her, she indicated that she cut off all communication with him. In monitoring the situation they are still communicating at work through emails etc and go for coffee together.

Two things are bothering me:

1) They are still communicating with each other. My expectation in this situation would be that they end all communication.

2) Not knowing the status of their relationship.

I know we are not suppose to raise the R discussion, but in this case I am not asking her to discuss our relationship. What I want is an update on what the two of them are up to. As long as she is living in our house and I am helping to support her financially, I think she does owe me an update etc. I am also curious as to whether she would be honest in her response given that I do know that they have been in contact.

I am prepared to tough this out as is, but am curious if anyone out there thinks that there would be an upside to raising this topic for discussion.

[hangten]

Punchy in my situation I confronted the om only cause my kids were involved. Nothing good comes out of that. Even in my situation my w has stated that she has limited the contact to the om. But, I know my W still is communicating with this OM. They Work together. I still don't know my status. I took off my ring on Monday. No sense holding on to the past, as my w has taken her rings off 4 months ago. My w finally noticed last night. My w told me that you know you are still married. I said I know. I respect my marriage vows. I asked her are you still married? I did not get an answer. I did not need to get an answer.
Remember your w just like mine is getting something from this OM. That feeling. Someone to talk to. Hopefully your w and mine included finally wakes up. Just be patient. Work on you.

[angel61]

I am in the same boat as you two. My H supposedly ended EA last November. But now is back in contact with OW. Said its more of just friendship/work talk, but he is miserable.

All we can do is what every one says here"

Detach, detach, detach. Its the only way that we can outlast this, if we want to give our M's a chance.

[punchy]

Thanks for the feedback. I will need to think this over. Wife is currently away with my daughter for a week long trip. I was really looking forward to my wife being away, but for some reason I have been feeling really down since she left.

I thought that I was further along re the detaching, but I guess not. Anyway, the whole issue of my wife still communicating with the OM is a hard one for me to accept. She is supposed to be looking for a new job, but each time an opportunity comes up, she always manages somehow to "forget" to submit her application.

I just don't see how you can get over an EA when you continue to work with the OM and have access to them on a daily basis. Also bothers me that she thinks that this is acceptable and that she can continue to get away with it even though she knows that I do not approve.

[sandi2]

In monitoring the situation they are still communicating at work through emails etc and go for coffee together.

If she still works with him, sends him emails and especially goes for coffee with him.......I'd say it's a safe bet she's still having EA.

I don't think a woman can continue having even a little bit of contact with OM and expect EA to end. Every time she sees him at work, hears his voice, etc., it keeps those PEA's stirred up.

But yes, you deserve to know what's going on. I just don't know that you can be sure of getting the truth from her. I have my doubts when a woman will not change jobs and put space between her and OM.

[punchy]

Thanks for the input Sandi. I expect that she will deny have any more contact with him, but I have my evidence. I take some responsibility for the EA, but to continue with it after I confronted her about it is not acceptable. I can't tolerate her living in my house while she invests with another man.

I will forgive her for the EA but not with continuing it. She needs to know that her sneaking around is not acceptable and at this point I am prepared to give her the ultimatum: end it or move out.

This is not living.

[Sad_but_happy]

I agree with Sandi, you deserve to know what's going on.

And I agree with you Punchy! "This is not living."

And no ultimatums... Boundaries!

[punchy]

Yes, boundaries, not ultimatums! I am in no hurry to do this so will take my time to prepare. Any suggestions re the appropriate wording to use around setting the boundaries. Want to make sure I get this right as there is no second chance.

[bboom]

My sitch is very similar, except in my case my W said she doesn't intend to stop contact with OM. She accused me of trying to prevent her from having friends, and justified her continued contact with the fact she is unhappy and she deserves to be happy. I have been working on my 180 any GAL for a month and I'm starting to see signs of improvement, so all I can say is be patient and stick to the program.

[Sad_but_happy]

I told my W the following:

"W, I want you to know that I choose us, you and I and I will work hard to again capture what we lost. But we will only be successful if you and I do this together and without the interference of a third party. I am fully aware that OM is not the cause of our problems and is just a symptom of the unhealthy relationship we have allowed our marriage to become. But he does sit as a virus not allowing us to try and regain a healthy and happy marriage. As long as a virus is present we will not be able to get healthy again.

Today you have a choice. You can choose to stop seeing/talking/texting/e-mailing OM and give our marriage a try. Or you can choose to continue your EA in which case you and I can no longer be a couple. The CHOICE is yours."


I gave my W 24 hours to decide... And I was ready to walk away from her.

You need to be ready to do the sane if you set this boundary...