Emails from my STXH....

[zengypsy]

My STXH has been sending me emails when he wants to communicate with me and they are usually 98% of the time business like.

As of late, there was a big debate about how to file our taxes.
He was pretty insistent on filing M, Seperate and I was strongly advised to file M, Joint one last time. In every email exchange I hope my actions shined thru. I tried to use words like suggest, recommend and not be like this is the way we should/have to do it. I also said that if he had gotten any recommendations to please let me know and I would be happy to share them with the accountant for further advise. I also validated in saying I understood he was anxious and that I didn't want to wait until the last minute either but that I wanted to make sure we did this correctly so that we wouldn't pay for it later. He had responded back that he agreed with that statement as well but he wanted them done sooner then later.

I would like to throw in that when I didn't respond to him immediately due to some life things going on, he did acknowledge them. I.E., an Aunt of mine was in the hospital who suffered a minor heart attack, or I had to bring our dog to the vet. He would respond back and say sorry to hear about Aunt_____ and I hope Ripley (our dog) is ok. I didn't respond back to those comments as I didn't feel one was warranted. I thought it was nice that he at least acknowledged them.

Here is the lastest email exchange we had as of yesterday/today:

H, I wanted to let you know that I have spoken to my office Accountant at length as well as some other folks and everyone has strongly recommended that we file Married Jointly and that we divide the states; I handle anything to do with CT and you hande anything to do with NY.

Some of the reasons are that if we file married, seperate our returns have to "mirror" each other. If I itemize (which I am), you will have to. We'd have to split property taxes (house and vehicle). If this helps for further explanation, I was given this example... for Federal Income Taxes, if you are married but file separate returns, if one spouse itemizes their deductions, the other spouse is also required to itemize. Potentially if your wife has $10,000 of itemized deductions and you only have $3,000 and you wish to take the standard deduction of $5,350, you can't if she itemizes. Also, another reason we'd be better off to file jointly is that the price to be paid for not filing joint is not only higher taxe rates, but loss of some elections, credits, and deductions or exemptions.

I hope this information is helpful. If you have gotten any recommendations that offer a different viewpoint, please pass them along and I will be happy to go back to the Accountant with them.

HIS response....

Ok, I have an account already setup online with _____. I can give you access to the site so that you can enter your data if that's ok with you. LMK

I will wait to respond. In the past I normally would have responded right away. But now I have learned to sit with it for a while, collect my thoughts and then respond. I have to admist that I got a little weepy when he responded and I know that's ok.

Any thoughts?

[JustStunned]

Zen, I just finished. Unless there is some specific reason not to M joint is the way to go for Fed. If he does not see that then the fog is too thick.

This could be an opportunity for him to inject a little more chaos, So prepare for it, but hope for maturity.

I’ll contact W tonight for signatures on the efile and her share of the taxes. I’ll see how mature she is through her fogbank.

[zengypsy]

Thanks Just....It just affirms that this was the right way to go.

I just hope my email responses to him were good and in DB'g fashion!

[2stepboogie]

Zen:

Sounds like he is up to the idea to file joint. I thought your response was well thought out and so was his.

If I was to draw a simple conclusion from that exchange i would say that he is moving away from anger and is starting to 'cool' off a little. I think the way you handle any exchanges with him is key and so far you are doing a good job of that.

This is simply logistics but none the less it is communication and I think that is good, Rome was not built in a day.

The most important thing is how you react to the exchanges if he feels comfortable when he reaches out he will reach out more. Remember he is far more detached than you are so as you go forward expect nothing from him. Treat every communication as your last and keep in mind that your goal is to allow him to hate the fact that he left you because you are the better option, only way to get to that point is to remain calm and focused

[grr]

zen, i think you did great

2step is correct...expect nothing and make sure your communications are as stressless a possible

i like his last paragraph

hope you are well, zen

[zengypsy]

Zen:

Sounds like he is up to the idea to file joint. I thought your response was well thought out and so was his.

If I was to draw a simple conclusion from that exchange i would say that he is moving away from anger and is starting to 'cool' off a little. I think the way you handle any exchanges with him is key and so far you are doing a good job of that.

This is simply logistics but none the less it is communication and I think that is good, Rome was not built in a day.

The most important thing is how you react to the exchanges if he feels comfortable when he reaches out he will reach out more. Remember he is far more detached than you are so as you go forward expect nothing from him. Treat every communication as your last and keep in mind that your goal is to allow him to hate the fact that he left you because you are the better option, only way to get to that point is to remain calm and focused

2, I greatly appreciate you taking the time to respond. I always appreciate your insight and guidance.

I really hope that your perception is correct. It would be nice if he were moving from the anger thing into finally cooling off a bit. Maybe that will help lift his fog and he can begin to see things more clearly now.

I do think he is open to the idea of filing joint. I hope it wasn't because he just didn't want to deal with it anymore and just get it done. I tried to present the facts as to why it would be better.

I will totally remember the goal and as of late I do my best to approach all my responses to him in a much less impulsive way.

Patience Zen, patience!