H lost his job this past week. He had been planning on filing any day now and this obviously puts a halt on things as I don't see how he can "ask" for the things he wants (most namely the house which he has been adamant about getting) without having an income coming in.
He has talked to me briefly about his situation the past three days (more talk than in the last three months combined). I have been kind to him, told him I'm sure he would find something, etc. He actually send me an email after the first day thanking me for listening. The hostility in the house has definitely quieted. This is such a needed break from what we were going through. BTW, the OW was at his job. Also, H is a very PROUD person so this certainly is a blow to his ego. Should be interesting to see how this goes now...
I am still trying to employ the LRT while going through this and I don't want to be TOO supportive. After all, even though he may need me financially now, I don't want that to be the reason he is "talking" to me especially after treating me like absolute crap the past few months.
Ugh, are all my posts going to take 2+ days to show up? I feel like my feet are moving in quicksand here.
Tonight is hard again, H attitude creeping back to rudeness. Think the 24-hour humbling period for H may have ended and he's back to needing to show his "strong" side. Wish he understood life doesn't have to be this hard.
hap--all newbies posts are on full moderation. While we try to approve posts within 24 hours, this week it is taking longer. We appreciate your patience, most folks do not stay on full moderation for long.
Welcome Hap, I feel like I'm in a similar boat that you are, as my WAW has been pressuring me for the D since dropping the bomb. I would say only be so supportive, just listen. I would say to continue to keep your distance and give him some space. Also, continue to work on yourself. I have been doing that a lot and it really seems to improve my mental health.
As far as living in fear about the papers arriving earlier (although that appears to be in neutral right now), my DB coach said fear is a great motivator but a terrible guide. Someone else on this forum told me that the papers are step 2 out of 100. With that being said, my W went to see a lawyer this week about a dissolution and came back with a big stack of papers to fill out, so I am trying take the previous sentence to heart right now.
Hi jbnati, I hope you stay calm and collected through this. I think the advice you got is right about papers being step 2 of 100. It could fall to pieces at any minute. I saw the notes H took after his visit to atty. It was so real and so painful. I don't let myself look through his stuff anymore, because I don't want to hurt myself. Whenever he puts pressure on me, I just keep telling myself "Deal with today, not with what he is threatening for tomorrow." I don't know what state you are in, but in my state we have 20 days to respond to papers being filed which is more than enough time to find a lawyer and think about things. Why do it prematurely and give them the benefit of thinking you are in agreement with them?
One thing I have been firm on is that if he wants this, it must be HIS decision. I will not resign myself to something I don't agree in just because he is threatening me about being difficult. I want to be able to look my kids in eyes and know I did absolutely everything I could to try to save the marriage; he will never be able to do the same.
The hostility is still minimal since H lost his job. He actually agreed to go to dinner with me and the kids tonight. This was HUGE as before he couldn't be in the same room with me for more than a minute. Mostly he's quiet, once in awhile he will say something about his job situation. Things have definitely changed, he seems so lost. I can assume this must be a big blow to his ego especially for a guy who let his career and position define him.
Talked to my therapist on Saturday. She said to just continue to work on myself the way I have been (essentially all my 180s) and not to let the situation affect what I do day to day. But she also said to be careful not to shut him out if he does need me given that he is in a pretty bad place right now. So I am trying to walk the line and keep up with the LRT, but I still need a little advice on how you all think I should handle this.
Before I acted like the roomate. Good morning, have a good day. Good night.
Now he is home ALL the time and going through a major crisis. He has opened up more to me than he has in months. Do I try to ask him how he's doing? Do I ask him if he wants dinner (he has refused to eat anything I cooked for the past three months), do I ask him if he wants to do stuff? I know this is pursuing, but is this an opening? I also don't want him to just think that I'm here no matter what without taking any accountability for what he did. Perhaps the reason he's going through the crisis is because he realized he has isolated his wife, lost his job, etc. and if I move in too quickly, he may not have the realization he needs.
Sandi is right Hap. You do not know the future. Do not fear what you do not know.
Consider yourself on a journey and remember: You have no control over what your H does. You only have control over yourself.
Yes - it stung the day I was served the D papers, b/c I was trying to delay and put it off as long as possible. I hoped in vain that W would come to her senses beforehand. I smoked four cigars in a row and drank several beers that day. Talked for hours with a supportive confidant on the phone. But it didn't kill me.
You need to work on mental and emotional detachment from your H, so that your mood, your happiness, your seratonin levels are not affected by him or dependent on his words and actions. It won't happen overnight. It took me some months to dismount the emotional rollercoaster. But make it your goal. Get support from confidants and focus on yourself.
I've heard that those who have survived nazi and communist concentration camps with the most peace of soul are the obscure saints who journeyed past their own self pity, then past their anger, then past their hate for those torturing them, to finaly reach a stage of compassion. Yes - they actually felt sorry for and pity for their captors, knowing just what a mess they truly were.
Get there. Stand on higher ground. Be the rock of strength, the boulder, the one who no one can resist.
You're in my prayers, Pickle
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Pickle, thanks for the advice. Most of the time I am in that peaceful place. I am relying a lot on my faith with God that somehow whatever happens, at the end of the day I'll be alright. But in the meantime, I get knocked down with every new step, every new revelation.
I really have been strong in front of him. I don't cry at all, I make no R references. I just keep things short, I go out with my friends, I spend time with my kids, I keep living. But I feel like I am dying behind the scenes sometimes. NOTHING has worked. He is so shut down; I look at him and have no clue who he is or where my husband went.
