This is my 1st post so it may be a bit long so I can get most of the details out there.
I found out about H EA/PA 3 mos. ago. I was devastated but wanted to work through. He agreed to "give it a couple months" but told me he that he hasn't loved me in a long time (never had shared that info with me prior to this revelation). I did all the normal acts the 1st month-- apologizing, crying, begging, sending notes, etc. He went to two MC with me but stated he had no desire to work on the marriage and would not continue in counseling. Since then he continued to pull away more and more (wouldn't go out on dates, wouldn't return phone calls, etc.)
Last month, I found out his EA/PA was still going on hot and heavy. When I confronted him, he threw it all back in my face, saying to me "What did you think was going to happen? This was really inevitable since you never loved me the way I needed." Since this time, the only emotion he shows towards me is anger.
For about 4 wks, I have been employing the LRT. I do not say ILY, do not call, do not text, do not hang around him in the house, go out myself once per week, etc. My only contact is "Good morning" each morning and "How was your day?" after work. And I do these things so the children can see normal, kind interaction as well. But he has shown no renewed interest. In fact, he has only continued to pull away more and will not even make eye contact with me.
He saw a lawyer for a consult 2 weeks ago and continues to tell me I have to "make plans" and tells me I am "in denial." I tell him to do what he had to do, but my choice is to continue to live my life as is until he decides on his next step. He says he is going to file.
So...it has become increasingly difficult to be in the house especially since we spend a lot of time with the kids together (where he does not even acknowledge my existence). I don't know if I am doing something wrong. I stopped all the desperation a month ago and still nothing. I have pulled back tremendously, but he is still as determined as ever to move forward. The only times he will talk to me is when he is pushing me about the D. I live every day in fear of when the papers are going to show up.
Any advice, support, encouragement would be much appreciated.
Hi HAP. My EH still can barely make eye contact with me. I think it's because he feels bad and doesn't want to deal with it, but that's just my opinion. I don't think there's a certain amount of time for each DB technique. I definitely don't think you're going to know if something you're doing is working. It's not like he's going to walk up to you and say, oh you know how you're doing you're own thing, that's making me rethink my choices. I like to think of what they do in terms of children testing their boundaries. They push and push and push and see what happens. Sometimes they stop before they go too far and sometimes they push until the go right off the edge. Either way, they more we tell them not to or try to control what they're doing the more the push and the faster they go. Don't be discouraged. Keeping using your DB techniques... one day you won't be acting as if, you'll really feel good about yourself.
Me 34 H 37 M 12/97 H moved out 03/09 D 05/10 S 17 D 12 S 11
Our M has been anything but easy. Please don't hate me for this, but I, myself, got involved in an A about 5 years ago. H has always had control issues and been a very angry person (this pre-dates me), and although I am in no way justifying my behavior, I was young at the time (25) and didn't know how to deal with the intimidation I felt from him. When things were good with us, they were great, but the moment I would be upset about anything, he would get so angry he couldn't control my emotions.
Anyway, I went through a period where I hated myself for what I did and even after things were ended completely with OM, I couldn't forgive myself. I didn't believe I DESERVED the M, and I went through a time afterwards where I withdrew emotionally. H knew about things but we had worked through them. The past couple of years though I got out of my depression, we started enjoying time together again as a family, went on vacations, planned our weekends together, etc. That's why this came out of nowhere.
He is now justifying ALL of his actions on saying I hurt him 5 years ago and I never showed him the affection he needed. He takes absolutely NO responsibility for his own selfishness. He has shown no remorse and disrespects me each day in front of my kids and continues the A as he is living in our home. He is also trying to get me to leave our home. It is true that I wasn't overly affectionate, but we both had the normal life stuff that kept us busy. We had a new baby that got up 2-3 times per night, a toddler, very high stress jobs, etc. We didn't have any help with upkeeping the house, watching the kids. We never spent alone time together. When he came home from work, he would just retreat off on his own although I always wanted to spend more time with him, he said he needed his alone time. Looking at it now, I realize it was bc he was involved with someone else (seems to have been for about a year now) and didn't need emotional support from me when he was getting it from her in an environment with no crying kids, no kitchens to clean, no bills to pay, etc.
I did love him, but I didn't outwardly show or tell him all the time. We were in a rut, and I take the blame for that. I have expressed all that to him, in the beginning when his A first came out. I have told him how much I loved him, how much I only ever wanted to spend more time together.
I want to forgive him bc I know people do make mistakes. My A was the worst mistake of my life. But I know I came 100% out of it and realized that if I could become stronger and not revolve my feelings around him so much that I could also see the good things in the M.
My world is torn apart now as this isn't the man I know at all. Even up until two months before this coming out, he still was telling me his only goal was to make me happy. Now every day he gets angrier and angrier and as I get stronger, he withdraws more and more.
My 180s are:
1) Be strong, cheerful, confident (in the past, I was often overwhelmed with life, tired, sad). If he so much as raised his voice, I would be a weepy mess in the past. Now I just answer him calmly. I do not cry in front of him.
2) Do as much around the house as possible (he complained I didn't do enough). When I started cooking every night, after two weeks he told me "This won't last." It's been three months now, and I haven't stopped yet!
3) I go out with friends one time per week ( didn't in the past).
4) I've also tried to start taking better care of my appearance and am trying to start working out.
As I've said, since I've employed these tactics things have only gotten worse. He doesn't even look at me, and will only respond to what I say (one word answers) about 50% of the time. He is SO angry.
Hi Hap. Sorry to read your story. It's very familiar. My WAW and your WAH could be the same person. But that's a pattern, the no eye contact, the "coldness" etc.
Just remember, even if you accept half the blame for a failing R, when it comes to practical responsibility: it's not you, it's him. The LBS may have contributed to the sitch, but they are usually not the ones who break up a family or rend asunder a M.
Time to take care of you Hap, because DBing is not a fix it formula and there are no guarantees, except that you can be happy in the future no matter how it turns out.
I DB'ed for four months (still am) but that did not prevent my WAW from filing for D. I have changed and am moving foreward. I'll be happy when she's gone, I'll be happy if she returns, but only if she's changed.
Ask yourself, do you want the same H who is treating you like dirt, or a new changed H or even a new H altogether, and can you be happy on your own for a while? That's what DBing is for - YOU.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
My heart goes out to you too. How have you been holding up since the papers have been filed? Is your W still at home even after the papers are filed?
My H is adamant on not leaving the house, so I know if and when it gets to that step that we will still be living together. Despite trying to move on and be happy with my kids, it is pure torture to have someone treating me with such cruelty.
But I agree with you that I wouldn't want him back the way he is. I am just trying to set the best example I can by doing the next right thing while he continues to self-destruct. He is a very prideful and stubborn person so I could see him going through with something even if he did have doubts just to prove he doesn't (if that makes sense).
Do they really feel guilt? I read somewhere that anger and guilt are on opposite ends of the spectrum so in order for people to feel less guilt they just make themselves angry at the LBS. Any validity to that?
But a couple of people have told me he must feel guilt which is why he can't look at me.
