My MLC husband has been busy rewriting history of our 13 year marriage saying he was never happy and never felt loved. If/when he makes it through his MLC, will more accurate memories return or has he soured our marriage forever??
Hi JR - I'm about 6 months post bomb. The first few months were a lot of anger at me and rewriting of history. I called him on a few things that I felt were just too much - like he said he'd considered D before we conceived our older child....I told him a bit later that that was a load of crap and he admitted it, that we decided to have a baby in a place of love and togetherness. After he moved out, I think he had a time of just living with blinders on. Lately I think he is more open to remembering good times/the relationship I remember (which still had some crap in it, no doubt).
Don't try to force him to remember good times, but it doesn't hurt to do things that were fun in the alternate universe you were having a relationship in. For example, we always had an awesome time taking road trips...the kids and I have had some great trips lately without H and H has brought up old trips taken together. I've tried to make the holidays fun and special for kids sake - side effect has been H seeing the pictures/hearing about it and realizing what he was a part of and left. The other day I told him how sweet son is 1st thing in the AM...just like our D was when she was an older baby..he got up at 5am and came over so he could be at the house when they woke up. I'm sure it crossed his mind that we used to have mornings like that together, cuddling the kids in bed.
He also made some crack about how I never wore jewelry he bought me - clued me in that he felt hurt/that his gifts were unappreciated/not important. Listen for things like that, that will help you understand what is happening...don't get too wrapped up in it or "make empty gestures"/"change to be what you think he wants" Good luck - they get pretty twisted.
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
Look, do not give him the power to rewrite YOUR history.
The one thing you can hold on to is that your good memories are true. NO ONE CAN TAKE THEM AWAY from you.
I think a ton of rationalization goes on in these sitchs and you need to not believe it.
If any of it helps you realize problems you had/contributed to the marriage problems, then great. But in the end, they are looking for someone/somthing to blame; you aren't to blame, nor is "the marriage."
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
My H rewrote history as well, and every now and then would say that he was unhappy all throughout our 13 years of marraige.
One day, I could stand it no longer. I asked him to stop tarnishing the past with what is happening in the present, told him we that I wanted our D12 to remember her childhood as a happy one, and how could she do so if we could not even talk about our good times?
That sort of woke up H, and he told me that was such a good way to think of it. he then started to acknowledge good times, especially when we talked about them in front of D12.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
They rewrite history as a way of justifying their decisions to let the world know why they left after a while I think many start believing themselves it is easier to fix the outside, with a new job, new wife ect than the inside I believe many MLCers live in a world of delusion they justify their actions..they justify the pain they cause others Maybe in some moments of clarity they see the truth, few amy admit that ever happiness is a choice and if a person is not happy, no M or realationship can make them peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
GOSH! Do they all get hijacked by the same alien or virus?!
Birds-eye view I now see my H MLC started 2002 with the grand finale including full-blown A (replay) starting in 2009 and ending in 2010. Prior to PA I now believe there was an earlier EA out there. ANYWAY...........
In my H e-mails to OW he told her he didn't love me (he never stopped telling ME he loved me) and he also told her that he was unhappy in most of our marriage, something about the last 13 years being bad....
Nutshell- while involved w OW he was such a jerk to all of us- me, the boys, his employees, my side of the family...heck...he was even mean to our dog! I offered to leave and he didn't want that. So full of crap.
Now we are in piecing and he is just starting to reflect with some insight and honesty as to how he was feeling. OW moved away mid OCT and it has taken him 4 months to see through the fog.
We are right in the middle of reviewing the history. We are taking an honest look at what we want to keep and what we want to discard in our R. So I do think that history gets a good look.
My H admitted the other day that he blamed me for a lot of things....the kids' grades, our barn falling down and needing to build a new one, how long the grass got, having a garden...phew!
We have MC tonight and I want to talk about this.
MZ
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Thank you all for your replies. It is so incrediblybhelpful to know other have been where I am--the f***ing twilight zone. I do think he is trying to justify his affair and to explain to himself how he could make the destructive choices he is making. He has been in IC 2x week for four months now and all he has come to is that the has been unhappy for a long time, he never felt loved by me, we are too different and that he wants a divorce. The only thing he has "owned" is that he should have been more in touch with his unhappiness earlier and should have expressed it to me in real time. He was the happiest guy I ever knew and has now decided that he wasn't really happy but just wanted to be happy so badly that he just "acted" as if he were happy. Trust me, he is not an Oscar winning actor--just a lawyer...
Ajm80--I laughed when I read the thing about your husband complaining that you didn't wear jewelry he had bought you. When my H dropped the bomb and listed all of the ways I wronged him he mentioned the same exact thing! I said yeah, not wearing that necklace you bought me does warrant you cheating, lying and destroying your family ...oh my crazy!!!!!! Has your H moved out?
Oh my crazy indeed! One day my husband got himself all tied up in knots in trying to justify himself and started spewing a load of crap. The funny thing is that he stopped, got this funny look in his eye, and suddenly said..."I don't know what I'm saying!" and suddenly left the room.
I had to stop myself from laughing sarcastically. Maybe it is really a disease.
I look at our pictures and see how happy we were prior to the bomb, and post bomb - all of H's pics show his misery -no smiles, his eyes look flat.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
As far as I know X is still rewriting history. Although I got a sort of bungled, defensive still-lashing-out apology, I haven't had a personal conversation with him for so long that I have no idea if he still looks back and sees everything as the mess he claimed it to be. My guess is that it is possible that he doesn't.
However, I am also starting to see how it is often true that the MLCer gets left behind. I am moving on.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
