WOW…..where to begin?? Please help me here…..as I am drowning!!!
I thought I had the ‘Fairytale Love Story”…….I reconnected with my high school boyfriend after some 20 years. We dated all through high school….he was 2 years older than me. He graduated and joined the Coast Guard and was stationed in Michigan….I were engaged and I was supposed to move there and us get married. I was young, dumb and immature…..plans fell through on my part and I totally broke his heart. I am very guilty I admit….but I was 18. Around the same time his father died suddenly of a heart attack, so he worked it to get out of the CG, on a family hardship. He moved back home and we saw each other on and off…..but by then I was running wild with my new since of freedom….again very heartbreaking for him. Years went by and I would hear of him through mutual friends and they would always tell me he was ok…but still pinned over me. I sort of heard it…but thought dude get over it. In 1996…..I had just given birth to my son (as a single 26 year old mother….hard as HELL), when not on purpose….but by accident…I ran into him again….he was VERY reluctant to even be on a friendly term with me…but after a few weeks…..we started dating a bit….I had just gone through a horrible time in my life and think he was easy to be with as I had a history and knew him…….he fell head over heels in love again…..and wanted to be together and be a family and help me raise my son. HOWEVER…..I was not emotionally in the same place and rejected the idea……..again killing him and breaking his heart. WE parted way…..and I did not hear of see him for years… Fast forward to 2008….(I finally did marry in 2002, and for a few years things were ok….then he became very verbally abusive to my son and myself….so we separated in FEB 2008, I was upset…but knew it was not going to work due to his personality)…..so after a few weeks of a pitty party for myself (you know the one??)…..I decided to look my old flame up…via people finder. Back to the old familiar. I found his number and knew that he was not married and never had been (OK…RED FLAG????)…but thought what the hell……we had so much history together and shared so much, what would be the worse thing that would happened….he would not call me back. I dialed the number and his answering machine picked up….I quickly hug up….then got some guts and called back about 15 minutes later and left a very casual message…”if you know who this is call me back”….and left my number. The next day while at school (I am a teacher) my phone rang…..I went to look at it and remembered his number and that’s how had called….I returned the call at my break….and that’s where all this takes off… We talked for weeks about our lives and what had transpired over the years….it was nice and easy and fresh….we immediately had a connection. However, I was still married (even though my husband had moved out and in with his OW) and my old flame had a major issue going on in his life…..he had an affair with a coworker that was married and she became pregnant…..he backed off, then the baby was born with blond hair and blue eyes, she and her husband were dark complexion (greek/Italian)….bad news….and to add even more drama to the story….the woman he had an affair with already had 2 other children and to top it off….she and her entire family were devout MORMANS (nothing against any religion…but she was never going to break up her family)…she was playing all sorts of games with him and he was devastated……she worked him constantly for money and stopped by for 20 minutes for a physical thing. My old flame……is such a sweet…tender hearted, emotional guy that it was taking a huge toll on him…..then I come in the picture…..so we talked a lengths about both of our issues…..and after about a month decided to meet for brunch. I felt like a teenager sneaking off to meet a guy…..when we saw each other for the first time in nearly 15 years….he looked so much better then I remembered….the years had been a friend to him, and he reached for my hand and I burst into tears….it was that meeting that started it all over again. We started seeing each other….I filed for divorce and we spend a wonderful summer together…..traveling and him doing things he never had done. All the while both our issues were looming in the background. My divorce was final in June and he told the woman that had the baby that she needed to not contact him and get on with her life and stay with her family. However, from time to time she would resurface….and I always had a fear…..but I figured after 2 years if she were going to leave here Morman family and come be with my old flame….she would have done it by then. So in September of 2008….he decided to rent his house and move with me….as school was starting and I could no longer make the trek back and forth…..he was very reluctant…..as it was his first house and he had been a confirmed bachelor for 41 years. HERE comes the pattern: HE moved in before it was rented…..and 3 days later left……we still saw each other however, not very much as school had started and I almost but refused to drive down to his house….based on what he did (left after 3 days)….then a few weeks later he decided to give it another go….he put up the rent sign and within 2 days it was rented….so he was officially stuck to move with me. He said he had reservations because it was the house I had with my former husband….so I said, I will sell it and we can get an “our” house. However to no avail….as the market was starting to take a dive. I could tell it was a huge adjustment for him and he was having some anxiety….but I tried to make things run smooth and easy for him….taking over all finances and issues at both houses. So he moves in end of Aug 08 for good, as the house is rented…we roll along for a while then out of the clear blue I come home one Friday afternoon early Nov 08….he has gotten a Uhaul and moved everything out…left the keys on the counter and the cell phone (as we had gone to the family plan)…..I was devastated…..but did not want to chase him…..so for 3 weeks I was a total wreck…lost 20 lbs, could not eat, sleep, think , work….it totally consumed me. I had to go to the dr and get medicated….to even cope. I tried one time to reach out to him via email and he responded very cold and brief that he could not talk to me about all this…..and that I needed to switch over the cable to my name by the first of the month. Again crushed……….. Then on Thanksgiving Day…..I received a phone call from a number I did not recognize….for a fleeing moment I thought Oh…maybe it is him…..but then no. However the next morning in my sleeping pill induced coma the phone rings….it was him, we talked for 3 hours and decided to meet the following Sunday for lunch. WE met and as I suspected Rachel (the little girls mom, head reared her head and said she wanted Catilyn to see him and his family)…..so out of guilt and desperate to have a relationship with his daughter….he left me to try that again….only to find out Rachel was just looking for Christmas money for her and her kids….she never even let him see the little girl. He knew she was back to her games…so he called me back to reconcile….fool as I was, I took him back and a week after our Sunday lunch he moved back again….(early Dec 08)….. Three weeks later he was taking about us getting married (maybe manic??)….we look a bit on the internet at rings….then the next day we were in a jewelry store and I thought just to look…I fould one I loved …..and I said ok lets go get lunch. He said get that ring now or never…so he whipped out his CC and bought a $8500.00 ring (MANIC?)…So bamb….engaged to him for the second time in my life. I was a bit dumbfounded….but was so in love with him….went right alone. We announced at Christmas we were engaged and then early Jan started planning a wedding. We decided to go destination wedding since I had already had the big hoopla wedding….so April 7, 2009, we were married at a private ceremony at the most amazing location in Jamaica. Things could not be any more perfect. First year was wonderful….Rodney is my very best friend….we spend every waking moment together just doing, talking and hanging out…(I know not healthy)…..but I was super happy and he was so great to me and my son….(now 14)….we did have a lot of financial issues we had to weather (eviction of tenants, extra taxes, car repairs, house repairs) but we weathered the storms (stressful they were) and made it through….even able to save 15, 000 last year…..WHO in the hell can say that in this economy?? Summer 2010: Then I started noticing him starting to withdrawal…and drink more so than usual…..he said it was the stress of his job and the long commute into Atlanta everyday….I tried to support and talk with him. But he was beginning to have more down days than up….all he would do is come him, make vodka drinks and sit in the garage and watch youtube videos….I would sit with him and talk…..but I could since a change in him. Then in mid Aug. 2010….he told me I am just not happy….don’t know why..but I miss my house, I miss my alone time and I do not know if I am cut out to be married. I love you and have always loved you ….but do not know if I can do this. I begged, pleaded, cried on bending knee….and he stayed (I see now out of guilt)……life resumes….things always for the most part ok with us…..as we are the best of friends…. In Oct 2010…I find a text on his phone with sexual explicit…..he claims from guy at work….as they kid him about being so metrosexual. I halfway believe it and let it go…but did take note of the phone number….then a few weeks later I see on his phone where he has been calling/receiving calls from the same number a lot….in the morning on his drive to work. I look up the number…..you guessed it RACHEL…..I confront him…he denies it tells me I am loosing it….then he starts having to work on Sat morning to meet clients….I am suspicious…..and my suspicions come true with “His” bank statement comes in and he is getting gas/coffee/carwashes on her side of town, when he is supposed to be at work. I confront him and he leaves……telling me that nobody would put up with my snooping! He is gone 3 days to his moms and returns home…we go on a intimate private vacation during Thanksgiving week and talk and try to rectify the sitch….again he tells me she was just working him for Christmas money….he is so totally done with the entire thing…he thinks about his daughter and would love to be a part of her life…but know it is best to leave well enough alone…as she is approaching 5….and thinks Rachel’s husband is her dad….that is all she has even known. Again…I am so desperate to keep my marriage in tact that …..I deal with it and here come Christmas…..we have another blow up and he says he is moving out after Christmas…..not to disrupt our families holiday. Then 2 days before Christmas he goes to Best Buy and buys a 55 in LED tv, a 42 inch plasma and an Ipad (MANIC #3)…..to give me for Christmas to prove he is not going anywhere and wants to work this all out….he takes me and hugs me and tells me how sorry he is for causing me such pain with all this and how much he loves me and wants to be with me forever…..fate brought us together and he can not imagine life without me. I feel better and we start the new year and things seem to be back to normal….we discuss plans for our annual summer trip and look at tons of reviews of resorts on line….we decide to spruce up the back yard and have a contractor come out to lay flagstone and build an pergola…..all seems well. I contact our new renters (that have been beyond great) and ask them their plans to renew for another year and they say they plan to as they are pregnant. All is well at home…..money problems gone….we are approaching 20K in savings, sex is 4-7 times a week…..we spend every waking moment together hanging……I think all is back to normal… Then I get a text from him on Friday afternoon….saying he knows I will be upset…but he is going to his brothers for the weekend….he needs a little break. I do a 180 (prior to reading DBusting) and text back sounds great…going to the mall after work to get a shower gift (totally out of character for me)….I come home he is drinking and talking on the phone…I take a bath and get in bed to watch tv…he comes in a few times with small talk and ask if I want/need anything…I am a bit cold….say no. He comes to bed, get up the next day super early to head to his brothers…..again my suspicious mind and the MO….I say to him on his way out the door, “Tell Rachel I said hello”…..he is mad and slams the door…..I tried to call him about an hour later to apologize…he will not answer. So I go won with my day and have this naggin feeling all day about him leaving….I am not home when he gets home early Sunday AM…..but return about 2Pm…to find he has taken clothes and toiletries. I call him…..he text back he is at his brothers….which is over an hours drive back and forth. I never hear from him that night and the next day, Monday at work get a text that says we need to talk and he will call me after work. He calls and drops the bomb again………………same song and dance…..not happy, does not know why…..needs some space and time to figure things out….and he has called the renters and told them he is not renewing the lease…he is going to move back to his house. Will not answer any questions…..tell me he does not know. BAMB…..thats all I get. My mind starts realing…….no sleep, eating again….however, he does contact me a few times during the week….he says he is coming to get his things the following Sat. He does swear it is not Rachel again…..he just turned 45 Feb and he had told me at his birthday that he is now the same age as his father when he died….so is he having a MLC?? Who the hell knows…. I have lost 15 lbs again….back on sleeping pills, xanax during the day……missed 3 days work and walk around like a zombie…..I have been going to a counselor a few times, reached out to some marriage mentors at a friends church, and found Divorce Busting online…..was considering doing the telephone coaching. Bought both Michele’s books…skimmed through the first and read the DRemedy cover to cover….I am desperate and pathetic….I can not get a grip. Note he is still calling texting and I have seen him one week night he came up and we went to dinner and he spent the night….the next day I was a complete mess. Then he came this past weekend….we spent some good time together….with me crying on and off for 2 days and asking tons of questions….only to get from him to quit pushing and badgering. Hello……….I have questions about the status of our R??? Guess I should just take it and wait in “his” holding pattern. He talks out both sides of his mouth…..telling me he loves me, wants us to still be in a R….does not want to get divorced….but needs time and space to figure out what he need/wants to do. He is adamant he is moving back to his house…set up minimal stuff (couch and bed) and even wants me to go with him to pick it out….CRAZY!! BTW: when he came to get his things several weeks ago…he only took about 2/3 of his clothes, the 55 inch TV and the computer, his CD collection. Left critical things like his mothers will/ passport/ birth certificate…all those important life papers, again does not make since. Says we can have 2 houses and go back and forth between the two and then have a few days where we can be by ourselves….still wants to go on our summer trip together. Is coming up to my house this weekend to watch the dog, as I have had a prior engagement to be out of town for months….it is all so DAMN confusing. I tried to employ some of the techniques in the book…..but this is so nuts…..he says he might decide in a few months that he misses being married….but right now he just does not want to be together 24/7. **Sidebar…one that I would not normally indulge…..but I think it is having a huge profound impact on him and his life choices…..he was molested by his father for many years as a young boy…..he and all his siblings…. TELL ME NOW WHAT YOU THINK????? Any suggestions on what /how to move forward with this. I do not want to have another failed marriage…..and I love him to death…..but this is not fair to me either. Thanks for reading the long drama…….but this is my first post and I want some HELP!!!
