No more links to previous threads. No more looking back.
Thank you everyone for helping me get to this new level of awareness, self-confidence, personal effectiveness and fulfillment.
Last time we spoke Islander, TrueGrit, ZenGypsy and Mach1 had all been helping me craft a reply to my WAW who had sent me an email saying...
Quote:
So what are you thinking lately ?? Gonna sign the papers or drag things out?? I know your hopeful and all but you did say you would grant me my wish and we would remain friends!
Also you said I could have the motorcycle but then one day you said you couldn't come get your bike??
The weather is getting better and I would like to take lessons and save on gas to ride it to work but need the key and title or are you gonna not keep your word with that also?? I know we had some good times together and tough times but I want to only remember the good times and remain friends wanting us both to be happy!!
I will always love you and always remain your friend unless you do things to change that!
If you think the counseling will help me I'll do it but it would have to be next Monday around 445 on my way to work !
Based on my trusty adviser's recommendations, I sent her one email with a few short lines about scheduling her appointment as she stated, as well as not standing in her way pretty much exactly as Mach described.
Then I sent her a separate email with a few short lines about the motorcycle which is a separate matter.
I am feeling good about my response. I am feeling good she is coming back to the DB coaching table for a second round, I have no expectations for where any of it will lead...
And most importantly I am now moving on for myself and I am ready to explore what truly living for myself actually looks, sounds, smells, taste and feels like without being polluted by the fears of other people.
More to come. MUCH more.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
How does it really feel. Losing my home and family again.
Losing another woman. Losing the woman that I loved. Losing all my hopes and dreams. Losing everything that we believed in and truly deeply wanted. Together.
Now Never. Ever. Again.
How does that really feel. How are you feeling now? Now that everything you had is gone.
Right now I am feeling like I have lost another home and family, I have lost another amazing woman, because I was not fully present, responsible, focused and caring enough about myself and the people who I love to do ALL the work required to support us.
Instead I had my stories and excuses. Instead I had all my empty promises.
Instead I had a lot of pretty words that I never fully backed or even actually believed.
What happens when you "fake it 'til you make it?" You just end up being fake.
When I am just going through the motions trying to look good and have other people like me instead of actually doing the work so that my loved ones can rely on me...
When I feel so little self-esteem, so small and insecure and powerless that I can't even be honest with myself let alone my wife or anyone else I care about...
Then there is a problem.
Then I end poor and lonely. Then I end up without my wife, my best friend, my lover by my side.
Yes. It takes two to build a relationship. But it only takes one to totally destroy it. In my relationship with L----, In my relationship with R----, In my relationship with my kids...
I have done by far the lion's share of destruction. I was 100% at fault for the things I personally took on and failed to deliver. I let my wife down. I let her kids down. I let my kids down. Me. I did that. I did all of that myself.
And now I am alone again.
Michael here there is some truth. Maybe not the whole truth, but enough of the truth to remind me that my attitude needs to be adjusted...
I want you to remember this feeling and this moment the next time you do not feel like tackling the job at hand or doing the work that is required in order to support yourself and help take care of the people who you love.
I want you to remember this feeling when you are thinking of all the countless hours L---- logged in at work over the past four years while you were "trying" to build a business on your computer.
Just remember all of this, ok?
Remember how all of this loss and pain and agony and suffering and despair truly and deeply feels. Remember the intensity. Remember all the moments and opportunities you had.
Now think of another man bringing the bacon home to the woman who was once your wife.
Bringing HIS bacon all the home deep and intimately inside of her and the two of them coming and working together the way you always wanted to but again and again and again failed to deliver.
And now think of all the countless other men and women who actually bring home a paycheck every couple of weeks.
The people who do not soar through life on borrowed time in other people's fancy airplanes while borrowing gas money from their mother and pretending they're high flyers.
Remember you are just a simple gardner, Michael. A man who has always been so profoundly blessed yet once again got careless with his crop.
A man how failed to take care of business.
You did not make good decisions. You did not plan ahead. You did not do your daily maintenance and repair...
Just talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk.
Are ya done, son?
Will you remember this time?
Will you remember all of this tomorrow or today or tonight or the next time you just don't feel like doing it?
Or the next time you feel it isn't worth it?
Will I remember that I am worth it? Will I remember to care enough?
Do I care enough right now? Have I got myself some leverage now? Have I got some bigger reasons now? Have I got ENOUGH reasons and power now?
Am I ready to live well? Am I ready to be steady? Am I ready to be consistent? Am I ready to truly love? Am I ready to be real? Am I ready to be myself?
Yes.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
