My original post is below, if you want the background, but basically my husband is still up in Denver and I'm back in Florida with my parents for now. I thought he would be coming here to stay with his parents (only 20 minutes away) and we would have a chance to maybe work things out. (Of course he is unwilling at this point). But, I thought if he could see I had changed, it might help. He just told me though that he's actually moving back to Florida, but about 3 hours away! How can I try to fix things if he's not going to be here to notice? He's also not willing to be friends at this point (but I'm hoping he'll change his mind on that) so I don't even think he'd be open to scheduling a time to meet up. What can I do for him to see any hope from me without being too clingy or showing up at his place 3 hours away, which I know wouldn't show him that I've changed at all!
I am 21, and my husband is 22. We've been married for almost 2 and a half years, and he told me he "just wants to be friends" the week before Valentines day and both of our birthdays which made it so much worse. He said he just didn't feel like I loved him or was attracted to him anymore, and that he wasn't mad at me, he just felt like all we'd been for the past year was best friends who were also roommates. He'd been telling me this for awhile, I just didn't know how to fix it, and I'd been battling with depression badly.
I of course freaked out at first and treated him badly, I was very angry, but then I tried to keep my cool after that, smoothed things over, had my dad come to Colorado to get me so I could live in Florida with him for the time being and I left on a good note.
I learned about a week after the breakup that he was in a relationship with someone else who had been his "friend" during the time he was deciding this. (He met her online, and has never met her in person). I was really upset at that point, and told him I couldn't handle being friends at this point, and I told him of some things that were going on in my life and that I was doing well and that the breakup was a good idea for now, even though I don't believe in divorce.
After about a week, I told him I really missed him and I want things to work out eventually, and that I know I changed a lot after we got married, and I didn't love him like a wife should and that I'd like to be friends, and maybe work things out at some point. He said he doesn't see us working things out at all and he doesn't even want to be friends at this point because he "doesn't know who I am anymore". I took that very gracefully, and told him if he changes his mind, I am always here and haven't talked to him about anything serious since. Since then I have been only calling him about bills we are still paying together and being very positive. It's so so painful though.
I decided I would work on myself for at least a month (he will be coming down to Florida to stay with his parents at the end of March anyway) and I would try to contact him maybe mid-march for a casual thing, no pressure, so that he can see that I've changed some things without the pressure of me wanting to get back together.
Do you think he will be open to being friends any time soon? I know most of your advice is for people who see eachother on a regular basis, but what if he doesn't want to see me?
Another weird thing is that I was telling a mutual friend of ours about the breakup, and apparently my husband told him that the ow is just a friend which I think is weird. I wonder if he lied to me to get me to move on? Or if he's lying to his friends so he doesn't seem like a jerk? Or if he changed his mind, and they were going to try a relationship, but then he decided he wasn't ready yet or that she lived to far away before talking to his friend. I don't know, it just seems weird.
Anyway though, I've been working on myself, going to open mic nights and getting back into my music and songwriting. I've lost 27 pounds (10 before the breakup) and I've been going back to church and getting in touch with God. I feel like in only 1 month, I've already changed a lot and it feels good. To be honest, I would rather be where I am now, even if it means never seeing him again than be where we were before the breakup. Things weren't good. But, I'd like to get back to having a good relationship even more.
I've been reading a lot of books to help me figure out what went wrong exactly, and thinking about all the good times in our relationship (scrapbooking) trying to think of how we could get back to that point when we were ridiculously happy! I ordered divorce busing, and it should be in the mail tomorrow.
Any advice anyone can give would be greatly appreciated though! Thank you Michele for creating this forum. It's great to have somewhere to go to talk about this :] Sorry for such a long entry!
It sounds like you have gotten off to a great start. Keep working on you like you have been doing and you'll be great. Keep posting, the beginning is tough when posts take so long to show up, that goes away after some time.
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Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Welcome to the site no one wants to be a member of but everyone is glad to belong.
I too am separated from my W so you are not alone.
Post often and more will come to help. The key is to remain active. For the meantime stay calm and collected and know that this is not the end but a new beginning
How have you been dealing with your depression? Have you gotten any professional help?
The let's be "friends" schpiel does not always mean that's really what they want. It's something that can be said as a way of defining what you won't be.
I understand that you have been working on yourself. Your eagerness to have him see all of these changes can backfire on you. You want him to see it so much, you're likely to tell him all about it. Mistake.
I would leave him alone for now. Do not persue him in any way. The "accidental" running into him can feel like a manipulation or stalking. Neither one of these is good.
Read the book when you get it. Then read it again. Everything won't apply to you. Take what does and work with it.
The biggest thing you need to continue to work on is you. Own what is yours from the problems you brought to the marriage. Right now, I would just do this for you. You don't have to tell him or keep apologiziing. Just look at you. What changes do you want to make for you?
As hard as it is to accept, any changes you make have to be for you. Nothing else sticks and you can make yourself nuts trying to change for someone else. And why would you want to?
I have gone to see my pastor, and have been praying a lot and I do feel like I'm out of the depressive state I've been in for some time. And, I don't think I'm doing anything for him that I don't want for myself. Everything I've been doing so far has been for me. I feel soooo much better about myself. And, honestly, at this point I feel like I'd rather be where I am right now, even if it means never seeing him again, than be where we were in our marriage at the time it ended. Things were not good. That doesn't mean I don't believe it can and would get better if we gave it another try, but I feel like I'm better in my life than I've ever been.
I don't want to spend the next 6 months jut worrying about myself though, and then he files once he is able and it's too late. I guess I feel like he doesn't want to work things out because he's afraid that things will be the same all over again. I don't really blame him for that. I just hope he gets the chance to see that I've changed, that's all And yeah, I don't plan a "accidental" meetup. He's not stupid! haha
My pastor said I should pray about writing him a letter though. He said your husband probably doesn't believe that if he gave things another chance that it would be any different. He said, I should write him a letter just saying what I did in the marriage that I recognize and where I am in my life at this point and send it to him. From what I've read in these forums and the book so far, that doesn't seem to be a good idea, especially since he's not even willing to be friends at this point. But, if I wait more than a week, he'll be moving and I may not have his new address to send him a letter if I wanted to. I'm not sure...
And yeah, I don't plan a "accidental" meetup. He's not stupid! haha