Unfortunately that's the whole thing with BPD. I love you, I hate you; leave me, never leave me. It's just part of the disease.
I wholeheartedly believe that my husband is suffering from depression/life crisis (probably not mid-life per se seeing as he's no where near mid-life in age). He is doing the same kind of waffling business. I try to go with the sentence in DR that said, "believe nothing of what they say and only 50% of what they do". That's helped me some in trying to determine what's really going on. I feel like his words are more negative, and those that would not be negative are full out lies to himself (i.e. he swears he's excited about the birth of our child, but refuses to talk about future plans for her, go to parenting classes, look at her sonos, etc.). It at least helps me gage what's really going on.
For my own sanity, I've adopted the mantra of "I have the patience of Job". It's helped ease my anxiety over the lack of control in this situation and assured me that I will make it through. It is SO VERY HARD not to call him, especially when I don't know where he is or when he's coming back, but I just have to remind myself of that mantra and that I have to take care of me, for both my sake and my unborn child.
I hope this helps. Take back your power, don't give it away.
Mac, part of my W family is BP, MIL, one Aunt, and one SIL have all been diagnosed. I thank you for the book reference. I copied something Denver posted that might get you further along. For what you can get out of it here are the 37 rules.
Originally Posted By: Denver
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives becausehe/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
My W's older sister is also Bi-Polar but I dont believe she is BPD. She went through the same thing I am going through 2-1/2 years ago with her H. I still talk to him all the time and even though they are divorced and he is still with the OW he regrets everything, misses my SIL horribly and has fallen in love with her again. He has told me that everything my W tells me is word for word what he told my SIL when they went through it and that it was all wrong and he was caught up in the excitement of the OW.
Last night (and today) I had my daughter and she is sick so I had to talk to my W on the phone this morning. I made sure that there was no negative talk, no talk about our relationship, and that everything we talked about was for my daughter only. Several times I tried to cut off the conversation cuz she was getting ready for work and needed to get going but she kept stalling and continuing the conversation. That was kind of encouraging and brings me just a bit of hope.
The other night when we talked on the phone she said we should work on trusting each other then work on being friends again. Should I take this route or continue to give her her space and keep all communication about our daughter only?
My W called me earlier today to talk about our daughter even though it would have been quicker to text me which is what she would normally do and again kept me on the phone for a while when I tried cutting off the conversation. Maybe things are looking up after all. Its hard for me to not have contact with her so that she has a chance to miss me and think about me since we have to communicate for my daughters sake. Maybe it is worth contacting a DB Coach after things have completely settled down....
My therapist said today that he was not able to see me anymore because he is seeing my W. That was not good news for me because he is supposed to be the best in his office. I no longer have much if any support for my issues i have with my W because the people I generally hang out with keep telling me it is over and that I need to move on. My W on the other hand maintains the fact that she wants to work on our friendship. Is it in my best interest to try to maintain a friendship (we both agreed not to bring around her boyfriend or anyone I may be seeing at the time when we are around each other) or should I not see or communicate with her anymore other than for my daughter?
How come my W doesnt seem to be effected by any of this? The 12 years that we were together seem to mean nothing to her. Is this normal? Does this really affect her but she is making sure I dont see it?
