Thank you everyone for your support. Sandi she is not on meds yet and her therapist said that he is going to assess whether or not she needs them. I believe that I am co-dependant and will be seeing a therapist starting tonight to take care of my own issues.
I am no longer the same person she met 12 years ago and a lot of that has to do with how bpd effects the non-bpd person. I try really hard not to contact her and it seems to go ok for about a day then i fall back into the same rut and look for the attention from her even if it is negative attention. She told me yesterday that I blew any chance i ever had of getting her back so now I am not sure what/if anything i can do. Last night was the hardest night since this all started.
As far as the OM, I have known for about 3 months and she has been with him for 4 now. He is confident but, he has been single his whole life (he is 34), lived with his parents his whole life, makes good money, and drives a really nice car. When she is with him she has zero responsibilities. He represents fun and i represent responsibility. She has been saying for a long time that she wishes she could just walk away from all the responsibility and now she has.
I saw my therapist last night for the first time to discuss my co-dependancy issues as well as marital problems. He was extremely helpful and said that I need to take a hands off approach with my W unless it is something to do with my daughter. He also said that the sooner I do this the sooner my w's affair will end. He also pointed out that it will end and most likely end in disaster but until i am able to cut off communication with her she will continue to see me a source of pain and the OM as a source of pleasure and will only remember the bad things about our marriage as opposed to the good things. This sounds like some good advice to me so I am going to run with it for now until i can setup a phone call with a db coach.
My wife started texting me this morning out of the blue in an attempt to extract info about my counseling session last night. Then she proceeded to try to hurt me with texts like "Still not attracted to you though and never will be again". How do I work with that? If she truly isnt attracted to me anymore and never will be again then how am I supposed to get her back?
I am going to take his advice and not contact her anymore. As I am sure everyone here knows that is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. She was my best friend for 12 years and I looked forward to our conversations every night but now cant have any conversation with her. I am also going to be contacting a DB Coach in the next day or two to see if there is any hope in saving whats left because last night my W said that she is filing for D TODAY. Wish me luck.
Mac, I am so sorry to hear about your W. For me, education always makes me feel better about a scary subject. You might want to read up on Bi-Polar disorder and Borderline Personality DO. As someone who has worked with both of these populations (I have a masters in counseling), I know how VERY challenging those diseases can be. I would advise to take care of yourself and your daughter as very best you can, and look to understand more about those diseases. They are very intensive, VERY pervasive illnesses, and unfortunately usually require medication to alleviate the most severe symptoms. The ironic thing is, due to the nature of the BP, she will probably be med compliant for a while, then when she starts to go hypomanic, stop taking her pills and crash. Until she gets a handle on her mental DO, this will be a very hard road. I think the more you learn about those, the more empowered you feel. And stick to what the therapist says: stop calling. Find other friends to go to, continue to write on here, blog, fill up your social calendar, do whatever you can to avoid the desire to contact her. Hopefully she will get the treatment that she needs and then you two can work on your relationship, but until she's well, there's no sense in spinning your wheels on a person who is very, very sick. Best of luck to you.
Things have not gone well. As I posted earlier I had always craved contact from her whether it was good or bad and have most likely destroyed any chance I might of had. I asked my counselor "How do I stop contacting her when I crave it so badly" and he had no answer for that. Last week my daughter was with me and wanted to stay another night but the night before my W had shut off my phone so I was vindictive and didnt call her to tell her that our daughter was staying another night. That didnt go well and ended up with her filing for a restraining order and full custody. I was going to contact a DB Coach but I think it is probably pointless now. On the bright side, I have stopped contacting her. I still want her back but she has told me that I blew any chance of her ever wanting me back.
dueinMay, Thanks for the response. I have not been able to talk to many people that know anything about BPD. I have read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and it described our whole marriage down to the finest details. My W is seeing a therapist about her illness' but as far as I know she isnt on any medication for it. I am also seeing the same therapist about my own issues and he is the one that suggested I read the book and also made the comment that people with BPD can and do change their minds quite often. Maybe there is hope for us but right now I am not too optimistic about it. I still love her with all my heart and was ready to walk through fire with her to help her heal BUT, so was her boyfriend and in the end she picked him and not me.
Last night we talked on the phone for over an hour (she called me) and during that conversation she made the comment about "IF" we ever get divorced. I dont know if that was just a normal slip with no meaning behind it or not but she wants to fill out the D paperwork as soon as the current issue is resolved. She has told me more than once not to hold onto false hope.
