Here's my unusual story. I apologize in advance for the length but it is a story I'm sure NONE of you have heard before.
Our info: M:39 - my 2nd marriage H:37 - his 3rd marriage C: 8 year old D(from my 1st marriage) Together: almost 4.5 yrs M: 08/31/09 1.6 years D-Day: 01/16/11 Separated: 01/17/11
Here's my story:
My H and I got married 08/31/09. Shortly afterward, my H's business of 15 years was failing and it looked like Bankruptcy was imminent. My H was very stressed during this time, but he's a "bottle it up" kind of person. The tension between us could be cut with a knife at times, but since we're both emotionally and physically affectionate people and we still seemed close, I thought we were weathering the storm ok. Not perfect, but we were trying to work on it.
8 months after we married - there came a damaging blow to our marriage like no other. My H, who is in the medical field, was accused of touching a patient "inappropriately" and he was formerly charged, arrested and currently awaits a jury trial. He has no criminal background and the allegations will be proven false in court. None the less, our lives were turned upside down ! Due to my custody situation w/ my hostile ex and the nature of the allegations, my H and I decided that to protect my D, my H would temporarily "move out" of the marital home and reside with his parents (they live 5 minutes away.) My H was still over here all the time and he would stay overnight on weekends and holidays that my child was with my ex, but the arrangement did put a strain on the marriage. I know he resented it but knew it was necessary. We didn't treat it as a "marital separation" because we were still together most of the time. My MIL told me that her son's biggest fear was not the case, but losing me and my child. He loved us so very much.
The criminal case moved on and over time, our marriage was hanging in, but I could feel emotional distance between us at times. My H was also dealing with stress due to mounting financial pressures AND a bankruptcy. We were working extra hard to keep the marriage viable during an extremely difficult time. There were times I think it made our feelings for one another stronger. On our 1 year anniversary - he wrote such loving words in a card - how he thanked God for my daughter and I every day in his life, how much he loved us both beyond words and how he looked forward to a long, happy future together once all this was over. My H never says what he doesn't mean and his actions further proved those words.
A few months after our 1 year anniversary (11/10), I noticed my H was acting more withdrawn emotionally, he was needing "more time alone" instead of coming over to our home and he was harder to reach on the phone. I should mention at this time that my H is also a professional musician and since the allegation, he'd taken more gig work to help pay bills. This required him to travel quite a bit with the band. Most gigs were not local, so I couldn't always attend. There is 3 men (my H included) and 3 women that make up the core band. I've never worried about my H having an affair on the road b/c believe it or not, he is actually NOT the cheating type at all. Plus, he wears his emotions on his sleeve and it was clear he was devoted to me and our marriage.
His sudden 180 of emotions during the month of 11/10 clued me in that something was wrong. One of the women in my H's band (I use the term loosely - she's no lady) has always had a history of cheating on her H and has brought "boys" w/ her on away gigs. My H started working more closely with this women due to work and I began to suspect an A. Of course, my H denied it all. Over the holidays he skipped out quite a bit and even disappeared for a whole day - claiming that the stress over the criminal case, financial issues and the BK was getting to him and he needed "time to himself." I trusted him at first, but was losing trust quickly.
01/16/10 - I finally knew in my heart he was having an A with his bandmate, my instincts just told me so, plus the other band members began changing their attitude towards me, acting uncomfortable when I was around ( I guess they have that "what happens on the road...stays on the road" mentality. After another long weekend away with the band (and this female fellow band member) I bluffed and told him that I hired a P.I. and knew all about his affair w/ the married female band member - but he owed it to me to tell me the truth himself. He confessed that they had been having an EA that became a PA quite quickly. The A did start in 11/10 and was still ongoing (only 2 months in at that time.) I was upset, cried...then told him that if we were to salvage our marriage, the A had to end. He told me that "he wasn't sure he loved me anymore" and he "may love the MOW." The MOW told him that she was "in love" with him after only a month into the A. He told me that he wanted an actual "marital separation" from me and that he didn't want to end the A with her. He said he needed the time "alone" to figure stuff out. The next day my H moved all his clothes out and to his parent's home. He still has most of his other belongings here for now.
My H also confessed to me that he'd had a brief EA 10 months before this current affair. It was with another co-worker, but he ended it before it became out of control. The EA only lasted a month and when he felt himself getting too attached to her too quickly (she was also married), he ended it because he wanted our marriage more than fulfilling the emotional emptiness he was feeling due to all the stress and our living situation. My H is an "emotional bonder" - sex is NEVER the factor for his A's.
I read Michele's DR, Dobson's "Love Must be Tough" and other sources trying to figure out HOW to save my marriage. Despite the valley of darkness we've been in for just shy of a year and the A's, I still want to save my marriage - even if he's not willing to give up the MOW or work on it now. I have been doing the 180 (mostly - we still have to have contact due to work, the court case and tax prep.)
Since the "official" separation: at first my H seemed torn (maybe only out of guilt.) He was still coming by quite often, calling, texting, bringing dinner for us, etc. On occasion, he would even spend the night and we were still intimate on occasion. Despite this, I knew he was getting closer to the MOW. R talks unfortunately did occur, but all my H would say is that he "doesn't think he loves me anymore" but was not ready to file for divorce. The legal case is still pending so filing for divorce COULD affect it. I asked him if that was the only reason he wasn't divorcing me (I know...it was dumb to ask) but he said "No." He said he isn't sure what his future holds right now (he COULD go to jail) so he's just living in the moment and not wanting to make ANY decisions about his emotional state or future with me or the MOW. Things are just too uncertain and the trial (as of right now) is still a few months away. I asked if we could go to counseling - he refused.
After the first two weeks, I was 180'ing. I GAL, started being less available, started making my OWN friends (99% of my current friends are MUTUAL with my H.) At first it peaked my H interest and he seemed to draw closer. He noticed I was "happier than I had been in a long time" but he tried to attribute it to the separation from him. He also started reading my text messages and notice I was getting texts from male friends (innocent messages - but one of my male friends made a comment about how my "cheating husband" didn't deserve me.) My H got very jealous and we talked about how this friend (a longtime male friend he knows of - but he lives over 1,200 miles away and is strictly platonic) was still just a friend - I wanted to save our marriage and would not date or be involved romantically with any one. It brought my H closer for about a week and he started stay over more and wanting to see me.
After that week, he's been all over the place....distant 99% of the time then randomly reaching out. We had another R talk (he initiated it) were he said that he thinks I'm dating and or sleeping with other men right now. I told him neither fact is true, saving our marriage is still a priority, but GAL is important to me too. He told me that even though he knows I can forgive him for the A's, he doesn't think either of us could ever forget about the betrayals and get past them. I did my best to reassure my H that I could forgive him and move forward. My H almost seems jealous that I'm not only happy in my life, but having friends of the opposite sex is really bothering him. He also said that I've been "secretive" about my plans and whereabouts and this bothers him too. Again, he's having an A with a married OW. He continues to see her, has taken their A somewhat public (he brings her to his parent's home and they go out on the weekends together when she can sneak away from her H.) I know he's been spending more and more time with the MOW (his parents clue me in) and he will drop EVERYTHING to spend what time they can together - to the detriment of other people and relationships in his life right now. Their A is all consuming and burning out of control. Even my in-laws worry that my H is only falling into more heartache b/c this MOW has not left her H even though my H has left me for her. I don't know what promises the MOW has made about leaving her H for my H, but they are hot and heavy and she still has to sneak around...which they may actually like...I don't know.
I had a birthday last weekend and I left town to spend it with my friends. My H sent me a text (while away for the weekend w/ the OW working) saying "Have a wonderful birthday" but I didn't respond. By Monday, he was sending "business" texts. I responded to one and he said, "you must have had a wonderful birthday because you never replied to my text and I never heard back from you." I guess he was wanting to "check up" on me while I was away. This week he's run hot and cold emotionally...being overly interesting in texting/talking, then MIA. He has on a few occasions just come by my home over the last few weeks and just wanted to "spend time with me" on a whim. Unfortunately, I already had other plans and I tell him so. He will get huffy and leave, then ignore me for a week or so.
The A has been going on now for 4 months and the separation for 2 months. I keep 180-ing, but sometimes I worry that maybe what my H needs is a more compassionate approach. Maybe he WANTS me to reach out to him more so he can come back home and leave the MOW. If he feels I don't take time for him and my GAL is taking me away from him, he becomes withdrawn and bonds more with the MOW. We were definitely closer when the separation first occurred before I GAL - now I don't know from week to week where we stand. Sometimes I think on some level he wants to be with me - but he's obsessed with the MOW right now above and beyond any feelings he has for me.
I think this EA/PA and the other EA are isolated events and not a pattern of behavior for him. It has been suggested that due to an intense amount of stress he's under, his fear of losing me, his own poor coping skills and a need to escape his reality right now...all play a factor into these affairs.
ANY INSIGHT AND/OR ADVISE WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED !!!
Your story really isn't that unique. After a while, the stories here on the board began to sound so much alike that it get difficult to keep them separated. That's not to say you're not special...you are indeed, but except for the fact your H is awaiting trial, it sounds very familiar.
Quote:
I keep 180-ing, but sometimes I worry that maybe what my H needs is a more compassionate approach. Maybe he WANTS me to reach out to him more so he can come back home and leave the MOW. If he feels I don't take time for him and my GAL is taking me away from him, he becomes withdrawn and bonds more with the MOW. We were definitely closer when the separation first occurred before I GAL - now I don't know from week to week where we stand. Sometimes I think on some level he wants to be with me - but he's obsessed with the MOW right now above and beyond any feelings he has for me.
I believe what you are doing now works best. If you accept a third party into the M, then you will have to deal with an open M from here on out. He won't have a desire to be with a woman who is so easy for him to have...whenever or however he decides. Why do you think this A is so hot & heavy? Because it's a secret! It's hidden from OW's H and it's illegal. If the spotlight was suddenly on their A and you and OW's H was to drop them and tell them they were free to make it legal....neither one would be inticed.
When you pull away...it draws him in. He's jealous of any attention that is not on him. He can't stand to think of you talking or spending time with another man.....even though "he" is the cheater. Add it up.
The A might be a distraction for his reality (the trial), but considering this makes his second one in a short time frame.....I'd say he could be on his way to more cheating in the future, if he's not in jail. You may discover at some point that he has had other EA's.
Be the person you want to be, and have the life you want. We can make ourselves believe almost anything...or second guess what to do. Again, I think what you are doing is the route to go.
Stick around and build up your support group here on DB. Weekends are slow, so don't give up on us.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Listen to Sandi, she has some great advice to give.
If you stop GALìng and accept the A then you are giving your H a green light to continue this behaviour.
If you are allowing him to stay over and are being intimate with him, you are accepting his A. Do you have the divorce busting book. I strongly recommend that you do get it. If you can`t live in an open marriage i think you need to tell him so. Stand up for yourself and tell him its disrespectful to you and that you will not accept it.
Continue GAL`ing and have some fun with your friends. Keep him on his toes, keep him guessing. Don`t talk continuously about your relationship with him, but i think one conversation about how your boundaries is good. Set your boundaries and stick to them.
As for the OW`s husband, I dont know if you should tell, it might push your husband and OW closer together. If OW has a pattern of cheating on her H, then there is a reason she isnt divorced. She doesnt want her life to be torn apart. That is a tough one. Hopefully others will give their advice on that issue.
Stay strong, read some of the vets stories and keep being the best you that you can be.
PR, I have been away for from the forums, but my situation has changed drastically. My advice to you is to detach immediately. You are holding on to the thought that you can change him and it may be why you continue to allow him to stay over.
Let him go fo now and really, really focus on yourself. It was one of the best advice I received here. I almost let my marriage destroy me - literally and physically. I know how hard it is to detach, because you think that your spouse will think you don't care and that he will say to himself that what is doing is right. No, don't care what he thinks - detach for you - treat your self better than you ever has - learn to love YOU again.
If he wakes up from his own pain, then so be it - but HE has to do that himself. Please take care of you.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
If MOW has a reputation for sleeping around, I hope you are protecting yourself, mainly by not sleeping with your H. Don't put yourself at risk for STD's for the sake of your marriage.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Welcome (officially) to divorcebusting.com! You seem to have really been able to assess your situation as far as your husband is concerned. But that is also my question/flag. You do not seem to be assessing yourself in the patterns of interaction with your husband. You show what you are doing in trying to get a reaction, but you haven't talked about yourself in the 'what went wrong' phase.
That's key. Not that you are the problem...you are actually the solution. DB is an analysis of patterns of interaction. Not just what the person who is checking out of the marriage is doing. What we do is tweak the behaviors of the person who wants to save the marriage in order to change the behaviors of the person who wants to leave...and draw them back in.
