First off, I really would like to thank all of you guys for being this incredible support force that helped me stay on a good path. I would have been a mess without the help of this forum.
I thought i'd go ahead and start a new thread for couple of reasons. First, i think may be reaching the old thread limit. But second and more importantly, i think i might have reached a hidden milestone. So this new thread.
I feel incredibly happy today. so much so i think it may be illegal . But here's the kicker. It has nothing to do with my wife or our sitch. As usual, no contact from her. She only contacts for more info. I still have that ceremony coming up this saturday where i'll have to face her family. I also have some crazy dental appts coming up next week that could drain my wallet...So, i do have my fearful moments coming up.
But why am i so happy?? I dunno. I cannot explain. At-least this morning i feel like i can take on the world. Well it could be a culmination of things.
1: For the first time in a long time, i could actually tuck in my shirt into my jeans and my belly not pop out. I dressed good today. I got my dad to take some pictures of me. I know i still have a long way to go in terms of losing more weight. But i think i can do it. Hell, i want to feel good when dressing good. I actually want women to look at me
2: I just started the NUTs book. And i have to say, it is good. Helps a lot in calming that 'little boy' feeling inside. I think it gives good practical advice to some recovering doormats like me. I have this wanting to be like a real man and handle things that way. In a long time when i visited a store yesterday and browsed through the kids section, i did not cry. Tears came out. But no crying. I was in control of my emotions. I know i can get better.
3: I actually have set some real tangible goals for myself that i can look forward to and meet them. Looking to start a music class soon. want to become good at the piano. I am also starting to prepare for GRE. Then starting another graduate degree next year.
4: I have always tried to appease people. Including my parents. Although i used to protest, i always eventually ended up doing their bidding. I guess one reason was that i was scared of the unknown. But for once right now I have taken that path of traveling that unknown on my shoulders. I told them how i am planning to mold my life from now and asked them to help me by just offering suggestion, not telling me what to do. While this right now applies to my parents, I am also gonna apply the same to others. I cannot sway with the wind. I gotta stand up to my own rational convictions. Hold on to my NUTs so to speak.
5: I guess this was a kickstarter here, but as i said, i have been checking out some matchmaking sites. I did feel horribly guilty last week, but hey I did not contact anyone here. Nor do i intend to right now. Unless my wife absolutely wants to get the divorce and be out of my life, I am using this website just to feel good. I feel like a parasite, but hey i gotta start somewhere. But yes, if the divorce goes through, I think i am mostly done. I am ready to start new. If my wife feels that my depression is so bad that she cannot live with me, then thats her loss. Deep in my heart i love her a lot. But i am realizing that this life and you have to move on. This is just the tip of the life-iceberg. If i cannot think properly here, I can mature out for later events.
I dont know, I think rambled a lot here. But i thought i'd sorta mark down this moment so it acts like a milestone that i can revisit later. And if this rambling can help someone, then great!!!
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
I'm proud of you man. You have reached a turning point in your life.
Keep reading that book, and keep setting healthy boundaries (NUTs/boundaries, call them whatever you want). Healthy boundaries can improve your relationship with everyone in your life, family, partners, and especially kids. Out of control kids are those whose parents do not set boundaries, or set them and fail to enforce them.
Just a bit of a warning. for a while you are going to ride high on this new found empowerment, but there will be bumps in the road. Just be aware, you may backslide and go back into your old ways. I have done so many times. Most important is to keep telling yourself "I can handle it". Don't be too hard on yourself, make allowances for some backsliding. You are changing years of conditioning, and it is natural to slip back into those patterns at times. When you fall off the horse, pick yourself back up, dust yourself off, and try again. Just resolve to keep making positive changes in your life and you will continue to get stronger emotionally and physically. I have walked a similar path as you are on. I have reached a place of great stability and self-confidence. I know you can do the same.
As I said previously, it is okay to look and have a feeling of abundance, but slow down. I do not believe you are ready for that just yet (personal opinion). Also, IF such a time comes that you know you want to move on, there are better ways to meet great women than via dating sites. Don't make the nice guy move of rushing into a new R with someone who is not right for you.
This new-found you is exactly the type of person that could potentially win back your W. Do you want to use your new strength to fight for your M, or to make a clean break? Not trying to guilt you, but consider your kid in this decision also.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Yup, I do realize that i definitely will have down days ahead. But i think i'll push my thinking in a more positive and constructive manner. I finally feel this weird feeling that I am an individual that people might actually like. Funny, i never felt like this before. I always felt that it was my wife's bad luck that she ended up with me. I am slowly recovering from that thinking mode.
Yup, you are right that I may be jumping from one pit to another. Yes i do find myself browsing the websites. What i need to do is generate this positive momentum within myself rather than looking outside. But thanks for your words of caution.
I guess the hardest part now is the fork in the road: At the end, do i even bother trying to win my W back?? Actually thats a misnomer, right? We really dont try to win our spouses back. We change for the better, hoping that our spouses recognize that return. Thats good. But honestly when i reflect back on our marriage, I am now beginning to see how i lost my self-identity completely. Not that my wife is to blame here. I enabled her. I enabled her family to point fingers at me. Now do i go back to this?? At this point i think there are only 2 threads. One is my daughter. And that's strong one. Next is that i still love my wife.... Or do i take the fork and try my hand at a new relationship. An unknown angel versus the known devil(nope not that my wife is one). I think i'll let time decide here. Meanwhile i'll work on myself making sure i dont get into situations that might jeopardize my future relationships.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Karma, I am glad you’re feeling better about yourself. Confidence is infectious. We all need more of it.
In another thread I read a post from you about all of your hobbies and how they contributed to your sitch. IMO I don’t think abandoning them all is necessarily a good thing. Moderation might be better.
One of my W’s complaints about me was she felt like we were joined at the hip. When we were courting, we were and she liked it. We would even walk 180 out of synch and match stride so our near legs would be in contact with each other.
My point is when she complained about being joined at the hip, she was asking for some detachment. A hobby or two might have enabled me to give her that, and I might not be here now.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Good for you. I'm glad you're feeling better. I know a little of what you're talking about. Spellfire is right - there will be ups and downs. And JustStunned point about hobbies in moderation is good - in fact, you've been reading that advice, right? Keep up with the changes though, and don't rush into anything!
Karma, I am glad you’re feeling better about yourself. Confidence is infectious. We all need more of it.
In another thread I read a post from you about all of your hobbies and how they contributed to your sitch. IMO I don’t think abandoning them all is necessarily a good thing. Moderation might be better.
One of my W’s complaints about me was she felt like we were joined at the hip. When we were courting, we were and she liked it. We would even walk 180 out of synch and match stride so our near legs would be in contact with each other.
My point is when she complained about being joined at the hip, she was asking for some detachment. A hobby or two might have enabled me to give her that, and I might not be here now.
JS, Yup, you maybe right about the moderation. But i think i think in my case it was excessive. I had R/C, woodworking, metalworking (lathe, mill), welding, and i was planning on buying a CNC machine. I think i went crazy over to hobbies because i found some peace in these machines. I knew that our R was hitting the rocks. So rather than work on it, i took a distraction approach. Thats why this step. Since i am an introvert, i think my new hobbies will be meeting people. That's one of my 180's. I am trying to do things that involve people and not machines.
In your case, i dont see anything wrong in being close to your wife. I think women like that. But yea i can see where that can cause hurt, especially when you are going through this situation.
I am trying to enjoy this moment. I dont have many of these nowadays. Who knows, i might go back into my hole tomorrow
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
I'm glad you are at a point that you can be happy and excited about the future. What is this book you are talking about?
Hopefully it will not get censored. It is called [edited by dbmod: advertising/not recommended] You know, i think it teaches you to be a man's man. I found it very useful because while reading it, i found how out of touch i was with my masculinity. I always let emotions i had a child control me.
Note by dbmod: You're right: it teaches you to be a man's man. It doesn't help you to be a husband.
Last edited by dbmod; 03/13/1110:19 PM.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
I'm glad you are at a point that you can be happy and excited about the future. What is this book you are talking about?
Hopefully it will not get censored. It is called "Holding on to your N.U.Ts". You know, i think it teaches you to be a man's man. I found it very useful because while reading it, i found how out of touch i was with my masculinity. I always let emotions i had a child control me.
. But here's the kicker. It has nothing to do with my wife or our sitch. As usual, no contact from her. She only contacts for more info. I still have that ceremony coming up this saturday where i'll have to face her family. I also have some crazy dental appts coming up next week that could drain my wallet...So, i do have my fearful moments coming up. 