So I have posted on here before. My husband is a WAS spouse whom I suspect is going through some sort of identity crisis. He is far from middle age however his actions/words are IDENTICAL to that of a MLC-er. Of course our marriage was not perfect, but the bomb totally blindsided me and left me picking up the pieces. I am finally at a point where I am not crying every day and just trying to accept that he was not happy and "not in love with me anymore." I have been supportive of him even though I am going through hell myself. Some days he says that he doesn't see us reconciling and others he seems very confused about his decision to uproot both of our lives entirely.
Here's the big question; he recently found an apt which is more expensive than what he can afford. Prior to this he was living with him mom and was able to help support me financially. I am a student and the plan was that he would take care of things until I graduated and started my career. His decision has left me in a bad situation. Luckily this is my last semester. I can get a little job to help with bill but I am still going to need financial support. Because of this new apt, he is crying broke and saying that he wont be able to give me money monthly. What am I supposed to do? I believe that part of the reason that he left was because the financial burden became too much for him. This past year and a half has been the ONLY time in the 9 years that we were together that I didn't work. In the beginning he was the one who encouraged ME to leave my job and focus on grad school. He said that I should "allow him to be a man and trust that he could handle things." I must say; it felt good being taken care of for once. I was able to focus on my studies; pull in straight A's along with grants and scholarships which helped out a bit. But I know that the stress of taking care of ALL the bills began to take a toll on him. I sensed that it was becoming too much for him and started searching for a job but it was very difficult to find something. I bring all this up to say that though I want to save my marriage, I still have to be able to take care of myself. I am thinking about taking him to court for spousal maintenance. I know however that this will not help me in the long run. I understand that I can not be COMPLETELY passive in this situation though. I will say, that he is not asking for anything from the apt, I am keeping the car and he will pay the phone bill. Should I just leave the situation alone? I have some grant money that would pay a few months rent and I guess I could get a job to start saving for summer rent and utilities. I KNOW that holding things down on my own would work towards my advantage as far as possibly saving my marriage. However why should I have to bear the brunt of his crisis, both emotionally AND financially. I am actually depressed because of this whole situation and its hard for me to even focus on my school work let alone find and keep a job. What should I do. Should I just tell him, "no worries, I'll hold down things on my own" and just go dark or should I fight for what I need to help me survive? How does DB go along with what I am entitled to?
Please HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: 27 H: 27 M:5 years Together: 9 years No Children Bomb: 1/1/11 ILYNILWY & Wants Separation Moved Out: 1/30/11 Has not filed yet but says that he does not want to reconcile
Please be careful with the feelings of entitlement. They will give you the justification to do just about anything. It is also a big component of those in crisis.
When they are in crisis, it is a bad idea to expect them to stick with any sort of plan for too long. Because they can change their minds at any moment in time.
We say protect yourself first over here. While filing anything may not go along with the idea of saving your M, it is sometimes important, to save yourself from total financial ruin. And only you can make that decision. If you can do it differently, then that may be the best option.
Anything you can do to make your own situation better, do. If that means getting a job, then do it. Become as self sufficient as you can. Do NOT rely on him for anything right now.
It sounds like your depression is pretty bad. Please don't be afraid to go to the doctor, to get something to help temporarily with that. The clearer your head, the more you can focus, the better off you will be.
Keep posting and others will be around.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Your real life friends and family, as well as many legal professionals, will probably get in your ear about what you are "entitled" to. I'm with Cat on this though ... be careful.
It's actually a major peeve of mine generally speaking in our society today ... this general feeling of entitlement I mean, but I'll leave the soapbox away for now
Personally, I say support yourself. Do not rely on him for anything, especially right now. Paying your own way does not mean you are bearing the weight of his crisis financially. However, keep a close eye on debt and any new fancy possessions he may aquire. Protect yourself if you need to.
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
The only thing is, he has to know that his actions have some form of consequence. I recently realized how passive I was being. I was allowing him to use my car more than I used it. Comforting him when he seemed to be down, being intimate with him and then realized that he is not doing ANYTHING for me. I understand that he doesn't view me as his wife anymore but it is NOT ok to completely abandon someone and leave them for dead. Luckily I have this money coming in or else I would be out on the streets. The only thing I am asking him for is a little bit of money to help support myself and he's crying poor mouth. He moved into a fancy neighborhood and didn't think about how this would affect me at all. I think that I should let the judge decide what is appropriate because the two of us are not able to come to an agreement. Btw Cat I am in therapy for the depression; refuse to take any meds though. Sigh This really [censored]. I told him that I would be petitioning for spousal support and he got angry and nasty. Said I was being "spiteful" and that he see's the "true me" now. I knew that this would back fire but at the same time he will walk all over me if I allow him to. No more Ms. Nice Guy.
Me: 27 H: 27 M:5 years Together: 9 years No Children Bomb: 1/1/11 ILYNILWY & Wants Separation Moved Out: 1/30/11 Has not filed yet but says that he does not want to reconcile
