How do you trust someone who isn't sorry?

[hope2011]

Tried to start a thread over on the WAS forum. 68 views and no response so I guess that forum is pretty quiet. Back over here.

My thread on WAS - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...259#Post2137259

Previous thread - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...835#Post2132835

First thread - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...704#Post2124704

Recap:

Married 2 years, dating 2 before that. My 2nd marriage (XH left for OW), his 3rd (he ended the other 2). He has 2 teenagers from XW1, no kids together. Perfect courtship, swept me off my feet, was Prince Charming. We got married and he turned into a toad with warts who couldn't care less about me, asked me to give up everything and who rarely ever had a kind word for me, much less a gesture. I nagged, felt neglected, betrayed, used, hurt. So I nagged more, criticized, tried to stand up for myself, didn't respect him. We fought non-stop for our whole first 2 years of marriage. MC after 1 year that was horrible and caused more harm than good.

In October, 1st Bomb, H wants a D. I started to DB (had 2 yrs experience from first marriage). By December we were back to laughing, talking, hanging out, ML, etc and the holidays were great. Little did I know H was "already seperated in his mind" and had "given up" and while I thought we were better than we had been in 2 years, he was on a dating site aggressively persuing anyone who would respond to him. Aggressively and desperately persuing anyone who would respond to him. Thankfully, few did. I found out about the site before he met anyone. I e-mailed every single woman he e-mailed, whether they responded or not, and told them he was married and that his profile was a lie. Yes, it made him angry, but no, I do not regret it. He also left me overnight in a broken vehicle because he didn't feel like driving to get me, as he was "done". This was after I spent every penny I had for Christmas for his kids and his mortgage payment (house he had before we married). He was cold, cruel, just downright hateful to me. I was devastated. He has yet to apologize for any of it.

I kept DB'ing though. By February things seemed to be a lot better.

Now, he seems to be trying somewhat. As long as I don't get upset or show any emotion or question him, etc. Be his cheerleader = he's nice to me. I found panties though, hidden in his drawer. He swears they are from before we got married. He has no credibility left and I don't trust him.

At this point, I'm DB'ing to keep the peace and trying to pull myself together to GAL. I want out but I guess I'm still on the fence somewhat or I wouldn't be here, huh?

Tonight, he blew up at me because I made an innocent comment about a trip he took in November. We were talking a trip he's taking tomorrow to his company headquarters, where they called in all his peers. The last time they did that was an award ceremony in Vegas. I made the mistake of saying (very innocently), "how come you don't have any photos from Vegas", to which he got very defensive and ruined dinner oat by getting angry, turning red at the table, saying he hates his life (guess that includes me), etc, etc. Right now he's stewing in the bedroom and of course, as usual, it's all my fault. How dare I ask a question? How dare I even hint to doubt him?

Mind you, we NEVER have R talks. I've never been able to work though any of the things that have happened, never talked about it, he's never apologized. I'm just supposed to accept all he's done, shut up and treat him like he's a king and not have any pain from it at all, much less bother him with a discussion or emotions.

So the last few weeks of the nice guy are disappearing. The jerk is back.

Still, through it all at dinner, I DB'd and didn't raise my voice or get upset, etc. Talked him down as much as I could without talking too much. Changed the subject, etc. Tried to lighten the mood. He's still in the bedroom stewing.

Because it has been, and will always be, all about him.

[grr]

i have one of those as well hope
it will always be about him
i am having trouble understanding why i want to save this so badly

i think you did a good job trying to defuse the sitch, tho

be proud of that

[grr]

by the way, have you checked out the divorce busting facebook page (if you are on facebook)?

[hope2011]

I have checked out the FB page and even see some of you but to be honest... I haven't even "liked" the page because I don't want to blow my anonymity here. I did that once before when I DB'd after my XH left and it blew up in my face horribly (became close to 3 DB'ers... 1 female who was a sweetheart who fell for a fellow DB'er, I have no clue how that turned out though. 2 male fellow DB'ers and that was not good. 1 confused our friendship for more and that was heartbreaking. The other I made the stupid mistake of dating for a few weeks and after I broke it off (because he really was crazy like his XW claimed), he contacted my XH and the OW and gave them the link here to all my private thoughts and DB'ing for over a year. It was mortifying. MORTIFYING. Michele and JJ had to delete all my posts. And once the the anonymity is blown, where do we go for help? FB and DB is playing with fire to me and I'm too scared to go there.

[hope2011]

But I admit, it's been nice to faces to names there. But I am chicken. Can you tell I have major, major trust issues now? LOL

[grr]

we are actually all still anon to each other, but when we are here, we talk about certain articles that we like there..it gives a different perspective

[hope2011]

That's a good idea. I'll try to catch up on the articles there.

[zengypsy]

((((HOPE))))) It's nice to see your back. I've missed you. Just caught up and I was hoping (no pun intended) that you have been off for a while because you were piecing. I see now that has not been the case.

Man, this rollercoaster ride [censored]. I know our self-centered WAH's will one day have regret about their decision. You just can't keep going thru life with having no accountability ever. Your a$$ is going to get burned each and every time.

WE are going to be the stronger ones in the end. We have recognized our role in the downward spiral of our marriage and have taken action. Just as YOU have trust issues so do they. I mean I know in my sitch that if I were my H, I wouldn't trust me either at this point. After all the repeated empty promises I made and now I've had this sudden epiphany thru therapy and the DB book? I know my actions will now support my words, but he isn't in that mindset. I just have to keep representing myself better each and every day. I think that's what we all need to do. We are on a jounrey to keep this behavior modification going and I think our WAH's are looking for us to fail. Not on purpose, but just because we have been unsuccesful before. I think if we ALL can stick with our changes, that will be the biggest 180 we can do and we will so prove them wrong that they will be begging us for another chance.

[JustStunned]

Zen, I pray you are right. I have faith you are. I hope jumping in here is not out of line

Trust is a huge issue with me also. It has been so damaged that even if W woke up and came back pleading I would need to develop trust with her before anything positive could result.

I understand my role in this sitch and I will come out stronger. I am doing my 180s. I think she noticed then ran back into the fog and went dark so she doesn’t have to acknowledge the changes. She is so wrapped up in self that I don’t think she can see much of anything now.

I understand she has many of the same issues and feels much of the same stresses I do. Rather than examine her role in this I am the villain again. I understand eventually she will awaken again and begin to examine self. Until she examines and acknowledges her role in this she will not regret anything. I don’t know where I will be when this occurs.

[hope2011]

Zen, we will be stronger. I know that the 180's I made the first time I DB'd (10 yrs ago) stuck. I didn't repeat them, I became a better person, I am not perfect but I am a good person.

My biggest problem personally is now I have no confidence, no trust in myself. I was so selfish in my first marriage and so immature and did a 180 and turned into a wimp who bent over backwards to win and keep the love and approval of any jerk who came along. 10 years, 4 jerks later... now I am so mad at myself for getting into this situation! More than I'm mad at him for being a jerk. Where was my self-esteem? Why didn't see him for who he truly is before I married him, instead of the Prince Charming I so desperately wanted to believe he was. If my eyes were open, I would've seen something maybe to make me put on the brakes. Instead I got Dr. Jeckyll / Mr. Hyde... and that sounds like I'm not taking responsibility but I am. Sometimes we screw up and marry the wrong people, bad people, people who don't care about us. That's me. I don't have the good guy, good times in my marriage to fall back on to hold on to. My marriage has no foundation. That is my fault. I didn't see the whole picture. Maybe he didn't either. All he saw was a woman who loved him, supported him and that was good enough for him. I would've been good enough for me too... if I had that.

I got 2 hours of sleep last night. I cried most of the night, tossed and turned, prayed. H gave me the cold shoulder, sleeping on the edge of the bed, on top of the sheets. Yes, I married a child who likes to punish me any time I don't agree with him or do what he wants. But WHY do I fall for it? Why do I let it get to me? Why do I still let him make me cry like that? I hate feeling like this. I hate how he can go from kind, loving to selfish, angry jerk in 0 to 60 over something stupid.

So what's changed? I've been DB'ing. I've been keeping up my 180's. What's changed is the boys are in trouble, stressing him out. He got put on probation on his job so now he's even more stressed about meeting his numbers. The mortgage issue is a problem again. As he said last night, he "hates his life". Me included I suppose. So life is stressful again and I'm the emotional punching bag again.

This morning he didn't apologize. He was quieter, wasn't rude or mean. Maybe he was sorry but he never apologizes. I doubt he gave 1 thought to me not coming to bed until midnight or the tissue on my nightstand. If he did, it was that it was my fault for asking him a question and if I get upset, it's not his problem. He was on the phone when I left for a dentist appt, he put the guy on hold to tell me good-bye but didn't say he was sorry, or he loves me but that he needs me to get the boys on Friday and I may have to send him money.

He left before I got back home. No note, nothing. He got on a plane to go to CA for work for training until Friday.

I know he's more worried about me sending him money or doing what he needs than he's worried about me or us. I feel stupid, hurt and used today.

I have to detach so much more, GAL and move on.