h just called to tell me how awesome it was to see his new car out in his driveway
i might have read into that, but recently got some advice from some very wise women, so told him that was nice and let him chat at me and then made sure to hang up first
i am thinking of going over to mlc, after reading some posts there (as per cat, thanks)
grace, i have looked for your sitch, but did not find the resolution......
MLC is a good place. I have never known if my H was really MLC or not, but I still got what I thought was amazing input there.
Nice job on the phone call.
Quote:
grace, i have looked for your sitch, but did not find the resolution......
This is a real knee slapper You didn't find a resolution because....drum roll please.....there isn't one.
I don't mean to sound flip. The truth is he emotionally divorced me before he moved out.
I've been here 4 years and while H moved out 15 months post bomb...that's all that has ever happened. No filing of any kind. Does that mean anything? Sorry, but in my case it doesn't. Other than he is lazy or waiting or whatever and I'm not interested in filing myself. If and when I choose differently, I will act accordingly.
One thing I really need to make clear though. This whole thing has taught me alot about who I am, what I want and how to get there. It has brought me closer to my D's and oddly, given me a perspective that I have really benefitted from with my D16.
We have the choice to learn and grow or not. Be kind to yourself though. It takes time, patience and forgiveness. Especially for yourslef.
Originally Posted By: Jedi Master aka Mach1 aka Thorn-in-my-side
All the Grrlz are here....
Sorry I’m late for the par-tay grrr, but as you get to know me you’ll find out that’s par for the course ... I’m sure I’ll be (fashionably) late for my own funeral (yes Mach, because I was writing my own long winded eulogy ... geesh ...)
Ok, so by now it’s been established that the backslide happened ... so shoot you. Mach’s right, they’re only mistakes if you don’t learn from them. And learn you did ...
Originally Posted By: grrr
i might have read into that, but recently got some advice from some very wise women, so told him that was nice and let him chat at me and then made sure to hang up first
AND ... to look at dbmod’s questions ...
What didn’t work .... R talk. What did work ... NO R talk. The proof is in the pudding.
Grrr, the day this started to get easier (and no, not easy, but easier) was the day I finally got that DB is not really a set of tactics to magically win back a marriage. It’s so so so much more than that. DB is a philosophy, a communication style, a relational model you can, and should, use with everyone in your life. It promotes self health and awareness and conflict resolution and solution oriented thinking. It promotes taking responsibility for one’s self and one’s own emotions and reactions and responses. Take it on like a project. Do it for you.
MLC is an amazing place ... without the books and the folks over there (and yes some folks here in NC too ), I’d still be a mess. These boards helped save me.
Keep at it girl ... Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
grr, this is a tough one. In a way, yes you did backslide. But, as a w and a human being, there are times when you have a right to some answers. I know I am probably going to start an argument here, but you do have a right to know certain things. Like, uh, I don't know, if your H still wants a divorce. I love the DB'ing principles and I do believe they work. But, with some spouses, if you go cold on them, coldness is what you will get back. Before you know it, everyone has walked away from the table and the marriage is over for good.
Just some thoughts...
I just don't know any more.
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
But, as a w and a human being, there are times when you have a right to some answers. I know I am probably going to start an argument here, but you do have a right to know certain things. Like, uh, I don't know, if your H still wants a divorce.
FOBD,
Sure, we all want to and eventually should know where the final choice for the M is...
However, there is a time and place for these discussions. And they are NOT every few weeks usually. Sometimes, not even every few months.
This thinking also lends to the idea that the LBS has NO power in the situation.
It is controlling and manipulative. It is showing insecurity and fear. It is allowing someone else to make the decisions for your life.
If you want to stand for your M, then stand for it. Be true to it, yourself, and your vows.
Do it for yourself, NOT your spouse. Until you are ready to do something differently.
Ultimately, they may file. Or they may not. They may say they want to reconcile and at that point, the LBS is faced with the decision to try or not.
Sometimes, the damage is too great. Sometimes, we haven't healed enough to be able to take the necessary steps. That is shameful.
The reason people come here is to save marriages.
That is the GOAL. However, if you don't take the proper steps toward the GOAL, you will find that you are unprepared to do what is necessary to MAINTAIN it afterwards.
Piecing, is WAAAAAAY, harder than separation, divorce, or living alone. WAAAAY harder than what you are doing right now.
It takes strength like you never imagined. There will be things, thoughts and feelings, that will get triggered and if you don't have the tools to deal with them, you will fail. And you will be back here or somewhere like here.
Piecing also doesn't just occur in a reconciled marriage. It occurs in any romatic relationship you might have in the future. Is it fair to a new partner to let fears from the past affect the R? Nope. Is it fair to your S, to let things that hurt you from the past keep creeping back into the M? Nope. It will happen though. That is why you must, MUST, really look beyond the idea of reconciliation.
It is simply a step in the process.
The really hard work, comes from the relationship itself. If you want to be successful, you have to look inside. You have to take the time and DO THE WORK.
It's the only way.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Wow, grr you have had a ton of board vets weigh in! How lucky for you!
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
But, as a w and a human being, there are times when you have a right to some answers. I know I am probably going to start an argument here, but you do have a right to know certain things. Like, uh, I don't know, if your H still wants a divorce.
FOBD,
Sure, we all want to and eventually should know where the final choice for the M is...
However, there is a time and place for these discussions. And they are NOT every few weeks usually. Sometimes, not even every few months.
This thinking also lends to the idea that the LBS has NO power in the situation.
It is controlling and manipulative. It is showing insecurity and fear. It is allowing someone else to make the decisions for your life.
If you want to stand for your M, then stand for it. Be true to it, yourself, and your vows.
Do it for yourself, NOT your spouse. Until you are ready to do something differently.
Ultimately, they may file. Or they may not. They may say they want to reconcile and at that point, the LBS is faced with the decision to try or not.
Sometimes, the damage is too great. Sometimes, we haven't healed enough to be able to take the necessary steps. That is shameful.
The reason people come here is to save marriages.
That is the GOAL. However, if you don't take the proper steps toward the GOAL, you will find that you are unprepared to do what is necessary to MAINTAIN it afterwards.
Piecing, is WAAAAAAY, harder than separation, divorce, or living alone. WAAAAY harder than what you are doing right now.
It takes strength like you never imagined. There will be things, thoughts and feelings, that will get triggered and if you don't have the tools to deal with them, you will fail. And you will be back here or somewhere like here.
Piecing also doesn't just occur in a reconciled marriage. It occurs in any romatic relationship you might have in the future. Is it fair to a new partner to let fears from the past affect the R? Nope. Is it fair to your S, to let things that hurt you from the past keep creeping back into the M? Nope. It will happen though. That is why you must, MUST, really look beyond the idea of reconciliation.
It is simply a step in the process.
The really hard work, comes from the relationship itself. If you want to be successful, you have to look inside. You have to take the time and DO THE WORK.
It's the only way.
Thanks Cat. That was a great post.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
You didn't find a resolution because....drum roll please.....there isn't one. 
(yes Mach, because I was writing my own long winded eulogy ... geesh ...)