One of the hardest things for me to let go of was analyzing (over and over and over and over)the things that I saw as confusing (mixed signals et al). It will make you absolutely bonkers.
Trust that nothing has changed for him unless and until he speaks it.
Ah, The stories I could tell (as can anyone here)...good times (NOT!)
Bottom line, it doesn't matter. You have to focus on yourself and your son.
I agree with Cat. You did backslide. You know it and that is AWESOME! It lets you watch yourself more closely and have a plan for what to do the next time. I have gotten incredibly good and taking at least 8 good breaths before I respond and even then if it's something that's loaded for me, I say that I need to mull it over and I'll get back to you on that.
Right now sweetie, it can only be all about you and your son.
Hey G, you backslid. It happens. Now you know what not to do again. No need to beat yourself up over it. You cant undo it but you can use the knowledge moving forward.
Your h is sending mixed signals and feeling you out. Here's the thing, you need to detach some more. You have to learn to not let what he says or does affect you. Hard, yes, but doable.
So, moving forward, you need to live your life. You dont care what he is saying because you are GALing and making changes and finding out who you are, right?
He is confused and lost. So, if you continue to hang on and analyze every single thing he says, you will make yourself crazy.
let him blow in the wind right now. You walk your journey. Let him walk his.
Grr, it takes time. Like everything else, to be able to detach not only means that you know about it or understand it, but you've got to practice, practice, practice. Whenever I react to what my H does, I think of it as riding in his coaster, and classify that as backsliding.
Can't help it though. Our brain works as long as we are awake, and doesn't stop analyzing. But we can control it - think of that big red STOP sign MWD teaches as a tactic in the DR book. Or get a standard scenario to think about when you are feeling that downward spiral coming on. For me, I try to imagine that I have won the lottery and what will I spend the money on. That surely lifts me out of my funk.
Funny thing today though, while waiting for H to contact me as he just flew in from a 2 week business trip - his plane was late, and I was gettting worried, atthe same time wondering if the reason he wasn't calling me was because he was calling OW first, etc. etc, building up resentmemnt.... and suddenly I thought of what would happen if he was in a plane crash.... that sort of threw me off and made me laugh... and off course 5 mins later he called.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
to all the new grrrllls (new because i had not yet met you - and i am very pleased to) thank you so much for all your input i do know i had backslid i had been good for a few weeks and then felt like i needed a check in it surely won't happen again
we visited my dad in hospital and then went out to dinner like a nice "normal" family...only difference is he drops us off and leaves
thanks again for checking in the support is more appreciated than you know (or probably do)
We are what we think. I had lots of learning opportunities (ahem) and finally learned to take them as just that, recognize I am human and let it go. If you can treat yourself like your best friend and not beat yourself up with woulda, coulda, shoulda's it's all good.
I hope your Dad is doing ok.
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then went out to dinner like a nice "normal" family...only difference is he drops us off and leaves
As hard as it is that your H drops you off and leaves, it gives you a break. I found it much more difficult with my H at home (he was here 15 months post bomb).
