What to do next

[JustStunned]

So I’m at 95 posts. Rather than wait to get locked I am starting a new thread. I am changing the title dropping the Newbie and titling it to What to do next. Here is a link to the previous one

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2121912&page=1

And the last post quoted:

I can waste no energy worrying about this. It changes little in how I approach what I need to do.

I didn't say to "worry" about it. It most certainly should change the way you approach things. The man who doesn't change his game plan based on the circumstances and facts is wasting time and energy.

W and I have a huge history together with many good memories; eventually W will recall these or complete her rewrite of history. I have no control over this and if I am involved in trying to remind her it only damages the effort.

You sound like you are just making talking points and quoting what you have heard from others. You DO have some control over this. The way you act, respond and handle this can very well help you OR hurt you. So, stop talking like that. You DO have some control over this.

Gucci, I spent a good amount of this weekend thinking about the possibility of an OM involved in either a EA or a PA. I did not snoop although I did ask a family member what they thought or if they had seen evidence of such.

There is no evidence now. Could it happen in the future? Yes, W is vulnerable to this type of predation.

So specifically what changes are you referring to?

Feedback from this board, DR, DB coaching and one other book I am reading are the resources I am using on this journey. Some parroting is natural.

Specifically what control are you referring to?

[JustStunned]

Journaling: This was a tough weekend but I made it through. The CC skiing group has disbanded for lack of snow. We had another two inches on Sunday but the base has melted and I did not wish to damage my skis.

I had to do a couple of home repairs and the sense of accomplishment from those helped.

I had a good conv with our D about school, mid terms and work. We spoke a bit about how this sitch is affecting her. W has been texting, calling and posting to our D’s FB quite a bit, mostly about this sitch. Our D is frustrated and said she doesn’t have the energy to respond. She expressed some anger and I suggested she let W know she needs to concentrate on preparation for mid terms. To do so by stating I need to focus on this for my future. I’ll have more availability after mid terms. I asked our D to try and keep the anger out of it.

No contact with our S, I did not expect any as I doubt he has any signal for his cell. Our DIL has been very dark also, this is understandable as I am evil incarnate in her opinion. I will have many hurdles to overcome when I try to establish a R with her. It is a shame too as we have common ground to build on.

Mom told me I will find someone better. She is closing the door and moving on. Sometimes I wish I had her stoicism.

W has been dark for the last two weeks, no contact. In the aftermath of the bomb paperwork necessary for tax filing was misplaced. I should have the last of this in hand at the end of the week so I’ll contact W about getting the taxes done. Mundane I know, but it is an opportunity to be upbeat confident and secure in front of W.

I have decided to cave on my FB position and asked D if she could provide some guidance setting one up. I know, I know a window not a billboard. At least this will give me a chance to check out DB on FB

[Starsky309]

. . .I did not snoop . . .

There is no evidence now.
[/quote]

If you didn't make every attempt to verify this independently, then c'mon, JS, you cannot say "there is no evidence."

How can there be "evidence," if there has been no evidence-gathering??

Starsky

[JustStunned]

Journaling: spoke with D last night. She came by late to switch laundry around, typical college student. We spoke about her mid terms and spring break plans. She’ll work extra hours during spring break. We did not speak about this sitch. She agreed to help setup a FB, but we need to coordinate a time. Probably be in a week or so.

I do have this sitch to thank for bringing my D and I closer. There was quite a bit of strain in our relationship during her late teens and early twenties. W shared in creating that environment.

Played with the Djembe a little last night. Enough so my right hand is sore this morning.

I have leagues tonight. I am looking forward to a couple hours of distraction, and I hope my hand does not interfere

Sorry this is so mundane. I and W are so dark there is little to report. I know she has the counter offer. Quite a bit of what she upset our D with was centered on it. I have a feeling something will happen soon. Our S birthday is in a few days and W had set her timetable to finish before it. Why she felt the need to complete the D before his Bday is beyond me. Just another part of the craziness

[JustStunned]

Thank You All, Reading this board and occasionally posting helps me quite a bit.

I am not the propped in a corner curled in a fetal position, contemplating eating a round, weeping, wretch W predicted I would be. I have this board, its inhabitants DR and PI to thank for that. Don’t get me wrong like all of us I have been all those things for brief periods. I am not there now.

The man W first met was a confident, bordering on cocky, mean motor scooter. I'm not as mean, I'm almost as lean.

I am coming out of this stronger, than I went in.

[grr]

that is what we want to see
and that is what is attractive to us women
and if your w doesn't appreciate it, someone else surely will

[JustStunned]

Grr, thanks for the post. I really appreciate it.

Journaling: No contact with W since a TM on the Feb 22nd. I’ll have to contact her in a few days about our tax filing. I’ll take a temperature of this sitch then.

I shot a little better than my average at leagues last night. Nothing to write home about, but it was an improvement. After I got home I played with the puppy/dog and read a bit more of T5LL.

He’s a Mastiff and the giant breeds mature mentally around age 3, so sometimes he’s a 200 lb puppy. It makes me sad that I may have to find another home for him in a few months.

I downloaded a popular reader app for my PC. It makes the books a little more affordable, although I do miss the tactile feeling of pages. I need to finish T5LL before classifying myself. Right now acts of service and quality time speak to me. I don’t know if I’ll be able to determine W’s LLs but I’ll give it a hellava try in a few days.

Sitting on my desk is a small glass jar containing black volcanic beach sand from a small pork chop shaped pacific island. The sand was a gift from my son two years ago. The glass jar with its image of six men raising a flag was to have been a Christmas present from W last year; it was lost to the drama. I decided to give to myself anyway.

Lately when I begin to spiral I try and compare my drama to crossing that beach.

[JustStunned]

Moderator please explain why this thread was listed in the forum as the last post was at 3/7/11@2:19 when the last post was 3/9/11@1:08

BITS, JTB, GRIT comments please.

I have two posts here advising me to investigate for an OM and one to change my approach.

If there is an OM involved how does that change what we do to DB, if DB is for us to change ourselves and maybe attract our S into a new R, if not then better ourselves for a new R with someone new?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Just,

I am a mod but only in MLC, as for the why? Very likely a moderated poster originally posted at say 2:19 on March 7th, and when the mod oked the post it affected the time? That's my best guess.

As for advice about finding out if there is an affair going on?

You have Divorce Remedy?
pages 214-217

And while pages 224-227 are about internet infidelity, they also apply to a regular affair.

Basically, if you think something is going on, unless you are a paranoid person, there likely is.

Statistically speaking affairs are very common, common enough that it should be a fear, and while some would suggest it is nothing more than burying your head in the sand (doormat) by not looking for or ignoring an affair, DR says to make the changes to yourself even when there is an affair.

Short answer for you?
It doesn't change how you DR, but it does address how you approach an affair, basically more work for you.

[JustStunned]

JTB, Thank you for the response.

I do not think an OM is involved now. This is possible. I do not believe it is likely. I do not believe I am in denial. If W is involved in an A, most of her support will evaporate. Withdrawal of her supporting base would almost make this easier to deal with. It would certainly change the dynamic.

Early in this journey I hacked W accounts. It was not difficult as these used to be joint accounts even FB was a couples page. I saw no evidence then. What I did see was a lot of justification for W’s decision to discard 29yrs without so much as a by your leave. I was being vilified as the dominating, controlling, abusive spouse to family and friends. Most expressed disbelief, but support for W if these accusations were true.

Reading those posts and emails caused anger and emotional distress. It was not healthy. It was not leading me toward healing. It was contributing to my spiral downward. I had a choice I could end my pain or remove the stimuli causing it. I am still here. I chose the later. I choose to stand!

I am not the same person W ran away from 10 weeks ago. It has taken weeks for some of these changes to begin to take hold. For myself, for my future, I need to advance the positives. I am not wholly detached. I may never be. Digging through the past, snooping for evidence of negative behavior will not assist me now. At my current level of detachment digging will only drag me back into the abyss where I will have to choose again.

I have read DR several times. I did not skip these sections, but I will review them again with a renewed interest. If there is more work to do and I choose to accomplish it then so be it.

I come here for support, and to support. I come here for ideas and to share experiences. I come here for a constructive 2X4. I come here for suggestions to improve myself and my approach. I come here to dial down the emotional response. I do not expect wine, roses and fluffy bunnies. I expect to be challenged and encouraged.