I came here months ago to DB and even got my H to try again but through it all I have realized... He's a jerk and I deserve so much better. My old threads are on newcomers, I can't figure out how to copy and paste on a blackberry. Someone help and post my 2 old threads?
Also, can you read browser history on phone bills? I don't have internet at home now but by phone so its very hard to get here but I think about and pray for all my BITS every day. I miss you guys!
Things here the same on the outside but on the inside I'm dying it feels. So I working hard at increasing my income to get out of here and find myself daydreaming of my own apartment, giving up on men and visiting a sperm bank to start a family of my own before all my eggs crack. That dream makes me happy, gives me hope.
H is trying but still has his moments. His temper, dishonesty, unfaithfulness overshadow all his attempts. Short of him taking and passing a lie detector test, reversing his vasectomy and begging my forgiveness... I am done. I don't trust him, don't think he's sorry at all and I know my dreams mean nothing to him. Who wants 50 yrs of that? On the outside I'm still DBing though, makes life more tolerable here.
Slowly finding me and valuing me again.
Me - 38, 2nd M, no living children, 1 forever 6 yr old boy H - 44, 3rd M, twins 16
Dating 4/07 M 10/08 Bomb #1 12/10 Bomb #2 1/11 Bomb #3 12/11
Hey Hope. Hang in there. It sounds like there are several things you have going at the same time, and most of them are you centered. I say that because you threw in there some things about you more than anything else. It occurred to me that you are struggling with the things you want out of your life and marriage. I don't know the back story, but it also sounds like you may not have forgiven him for the previous issues that brought you here. It's not easy to forgive. It's even harder if you feel like he has not wanted nor asked for forgiveness. Have you mentioned that to him? The kids? Have you mentioned that?
I'm wondering if he is reacting to the way you feel as much as has his own issues. I would think he could feel it (I've never been a cheater, so I couldn't speak to that).
Hang in there Chicken. Work on you and see if he comes along, but I strongly feel like you need to focus on you and what your feelings and wants are more than worry about him. Sounds like you already know that.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Hope, I think I understand a little how you feel. I was here in 2003 DBing, because H walked out. At the last minute he backed out of D and eventually moved home. Things weren’t great, but they were better … until I got a job offer in another state. That was five years ago and it’s been one long waiting game ever since. I guess I’m here because I’m tired of waiting for my life to start. I’m tired of someone else making decisions about my life that aren’t getting me any closer to what I want. I am ambivalent about D, though my rational side knows that I can only expect more of the same controlling and stalling if I stick around. I too want kids that my H won’t consider… oh and a marriage worth raising kids in would be nice too, but that’s not likely. Tick, tock. Since I’m the one walking out the door, I may not be the best for giving advice. I know that as sure as I am that divorce is the right thing to do, I don’t want to be one of those bitter, crazy people who hates someone that I once loved very much and I sure as heck don’t want to give any real justification for my H to hate me either. Sometimes the best we can do is survive with our best self still in tact.
