Onmyway or someone on sparks's page made a great comment. Said MWD's take is that intimacy is built through shared positive times, with little or no negativity. Can you guys declare a no war zone day or two each week? You outlaw emotional relationship stuff and just do something nice together until the connection starts to come back.
You shouldn't be attracted to him right now (your brain and your heart are working to protect you) - know that that is ok. But do give him some guidance on what you need him to do - giving positive feedback is really helpful, a good counselor, maybe even a weekend marriage retreat? Def check out the piecing section and see if some experienced DB'ers can help you.
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
Wow, I haven't posted in so long! I just got burnt out from talking, thinking, eating, sleeping, obsessing MLC all the time. But I need some feedback now because I'm so lost.
H has been talking the talk but not walking the walk as far as reconciliation. We even attended one counselling session together 2 weeks ago. But he is just not putting in effort, which is supremely frustrating considering I feel like I'm being very generous giving him the opportunity to try to redeem himself after cheating on me and lying to me and hurting me and the kids so badly. He says he doesn't want to get divorced, he loves me, he wants to make things better, he wants to be a man, but he doesn't DO anything to get there. And I've told him specific things he could do, his therapist told him things, and yet he doesn't do them.
Quite often I think he has something very wrong mentally. He is still wrapped up in himself, in how he's feeling, in how things affect him. He is upset that I no longer wear my wedding rings. He is upset that I've become so independent. He just feels sorry for himself. I don't know how to deal with this at all. Can anyone help me navigate this?
Me- 35 H- 36 M- 7 T- 9 D3, D5 Bomb 1/21/11 EA/PA began 12/10? Discovered A 3/2/11 S- 3/3/11 OW gone- 4/27/11 H says he wants to reconcile, but lacking action
Hi Maganna, It's not for you to navigate IMHO. You can't change his attitude. We all have to learn to own our feelings, we all have to learn to name them, acknowledge them, feel them but NOT let them drive our actions. Your husband's feelings are his, you did not MAKE him feel that way. Either he mans up and pulls up his socks or he will not. That's not in your control.
What is in your control is what you CHOOSE to do about it, and what consequences your H is willing to pay for not doing anything.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
