MLC Purgatory

[punkin]

Meganna,

Do you know how many times I have asked myself the very same questions? And for the record, no disintegrating marriage has only one party at fault. There is always enought guilt to go around.

I believe the difference referred to here is not so much the Who and the What to be blamed, but how can I cope with this and turn it around to better myself for it. MLC aside, this Board has helped me get through some emotional tsunamis. It gives us a place to come and help each other through our troubles, to vent; something our WAS's probably don't have, with the exception of their damaged others.

Again, regardless of the reasons, there is much good advice to be had here, to help you through this, and perhaps to even turn things around in your marriage. There is no predicting that. We only control ourselves and our actions.

Kids make it that much rougher; but my kids are all adults and I see the pain it is/has caused them. Not to mention the grands.

I stopped asking myself those questions because the bottom line was this Board helped me, and others like me. Let's just accept it at that, and try to be the best us we can be. ( I should write for Hallmark!) (((HUGS))

[peacetoday]

Meganna,



DB seems to be more about continuing to move forward with your life with or without our H
At first, many of us come here to try to get M back
I changed some of my behaviors at first for that reason only
My H did not return, but I felt it was a time I could make amends for my part of the R, all the times I critized him..so I stopped
all the times I didnt listen, so I started to listen
It was too late..also because of his MLC, I believe I was not dealing with a full deck
He was in an affair with a 26 year old..I didnt know that..after a few years he Married her. I was told she is addicted to pain pills and drinks
he was a sober recovering alcoholic since the age of 21
he seemed very different..like someone who I didnt know
someone who all of a sudden wanted to play more than he wanted to be a dad
someone who stayed out till 4 am, when once he was a very reliable man
Over time, I began to realize this must be a crises after reading posts and books
then , after years of this I saw him acting out in more bizarre ways
Its like watching a person have some kind of mental breakdown and some are worse than others
yes,Its hard on the kids at first, but many kids seem to adjust over time
all your feelings are normal and valid
all of us questioned everything too,
each of us has probably had to come to terms with understanding the crises in our own way
Hang in
peace

[meganna]

Here's another question that may be unanswerable....so many on this board profess to still love their WAS despite all the horrible things they do. I feel absolutely NO love for mine, he is a complete stranger and I despise him. I am horribly uncomfortable when I have to interact with him, whether it's via text, phone, or in person. He looks terrible, ugly, and like a shell. I cannot envision him as he was anymore. Earlier on I could envision us happy again someday, but not now. What does that mean? Is it a defense mechanism, or did I not really love him to begin with? Or something else? Am I the only one to feel this way?

[peacetoday]

Meganna

Sometimes we as LBS cycle too..we come in and out of wanting and not wanting H back
you will have to see what you feel as time goes on
grieving is important..we want to not stuff anything b/c it will come back later
Your therapist can help with that
Peace

[AJM80]

Hi Meganna - I went through that phase too. He was just gross. As he's been more caring and normal, that has faded. I don't feel the same way....when he was working out and looked fit he was much less attractive because I hated who he was. Now that he's focused on healthier things - moderation/kids/being responsible, but working out less, he's more attractive.

[meganna]

So I haven't posted in a while. Had pneumonia and been busy with family stuff. Today's my youngest D's 3rd birthday. Had a small celebration with H, his parents and sister. H didn't look at me once all night. He's still wearing his wedding ring. We don't communicate much at all. I am still angry with him for hurting the kids so much, but to me he is a complete stranger and I don't miss him. At all. At this point I don't want to rock the boat because he's supporting us financially, and I'd like to drag that out as long as possible so I don't have to find full time work and hurt the kids further by turning their entire world upside down. I honestly think this will ultimately end in D, but as long as he continues to be this stranger to me, the more ok I am with that being the end result. I think I have detached, but not lovingly.

I started reading "Awakening at Midlife"- what a great book! It totally fits H. Especially talking about how people avoid looking within by always "doing"- H couldn't even sit at the table and eat a sandwich without listening to the radio and reading newspaper or a magazine. He was always either sleeping or "doing." I sometimes wondered if he had ADD/ADHD! I told my therapist about the book and she said she'd read it and recommend it to H's therapist.

Also found out today that a co-worker who fills in at our clinic periodically also went through MLC with her H about 15 years ago. He bought a motorcycle, got a girlfriend, moved out for about a year, then returned, went to lots of MC, and she says it is now better than ever. It will never cease to amaze me how common MLC is, and how nobody really talks about it until it happens to them. Maybe if it were talked about more it wouldn't have to be so devastating.

[peacetoday]

M
I was also amazed at how many people I knew that either went through it or knew someone who went thru it
I personally knew 3 couples who went thru it and stayed together
none of their H moved out, all had A
they are all still together
I guess it depends on the severity and the people
none of them DB..all of the wives waited
I also know of people who went thru similar stuff and said H came back many years later with some regret but it was too late thwy had moved on
From what I see and read here on the boards, most of the LBS seem to wind up OK while th MLCers seem to reamain confused for years after
just continue to take care of you
somehow we get thru
it all seems to work out maybe not always easy but we grow and hopefully its all for good
peace

[meganna]

OMG- so H's girlfriend just sent me a message on facebook telling me he has been living with her since he moved out 2 months ago. Her FB profile pic is of his tattoo, so I know it's true. He, of course, isn't answering my calls/texts (just one of each).

What do I do now? Why can't these f-ers just have the balls to end the relationship before moving in with someone else??? And what an idiot- he left $$$ in a hiding place in the house, rather than taking it with him. Almost all of his possessions, minus his playstation and some clothes, are here in the house.

I will contact an attorney tomorrow. What should I do in the meantime? I am so disgusted. I am not sad or crying or anything, just really angry and disgusted. It breaks my heart for the kids, who don't deserve this. My blood ran cold when I read that message.

[AJM80]

Hey Meganna, I would igonore the message from her if you can. Stop calling and texting, take a deep breath, and think about it. Are you really surprised? Does this change the ultimate result you want?

[AJM80]

I'd think about things you can do to establish boundaries and protect yourself while you wait for him to come out of the fog or you to be ready to deal with this. Some thoughts I have -

1) Request he speak to his gf about her NOT contacting you. Let him deal with her - chances are she is pissed at him for not making a move and trying to pressure him. Let him deal with being angry at her, rather than making it a fight with you instead.
2) Change the locks and let him know that he needs to arrange visitation or a time to get to any of his things, etc in advance.
3) How much money did he leave in the house? I wouldnt get too aggressive about that, since he is supporting you. Maybe just move it so that he has to ask you about it if he wants it.
4) See an atty, find out your rights and options, then let it simmer for awhile without telling him - just give yourself some time.