At the last stop

[Orchid37]

I am feeling too many things this morning...and panic is at the top of that list.
The weird thing is that I feel panic about being numb. I feel panic that I just have to wait and someone else's condition - mainly pregnancy - going to decide on my fate. WHY did I not force him to stay? WHY couldn't I make him do anything I asked? WHY did he continue to live with me ... without trying? WHY did he have to complicate matters in THIS convoluted way? Mild Life crisis or not....why would you treat a person with such carelessness? What can he possibly do now? What can I possibly do now? pray. pray. pray. He is not even ready to be a father....but, then again, most people say "there never is a correct time".

Sigh. Its a difficult morning. I don't want to stop worrying. It's uncomfortable to stop worrying. To say, well we will see what happens....I want to call him every second to ask. "so? is she pregnant?" but, he has asked for 30 days. I am now officially the OW, if all this is really happening and I will have to just have to walk away and there is nothing and no one to worry about. I have no rights. I will have to worry about myself, I guess. Not my comfort zone at all.

Sigh. Ok. will go to work and hope for a good day 3. I can't believe its just start of day 3. I have 28 more days.......

[grebjack]

Am I reading your signature right? You were married 2005 to 2010. Your husband came home in May 2010 and was still there when the divorce was final in September 2010. But he left again two months ago, married someone else last month, and now has gotten her pregnant? I can't imagine what it is like to be the "other woman" when you want to still be the "wife."

Hoping/praying for you,

Rebecca

[Orchid37]

Yeah, you have it right. It's been a difficult 2 weeks since I found out. Actually, I need to change my sig. Married from 2004-2009. D - 9/2009, Ex moved back in 5/2010 and then left again 1/2011,

He left on 1/2011, met her and married her in 3 weeks time and she may be pregnant. I don't have confirmation on that, yet.

I have been moping a lot and having a really good pity party.

I need to find my focus again. exH is really messed up and unfortunately has gotten himself in a real bind. I cannot help him with this one.

If she is pregnant, I am definitely out.

If she is not, exH will have to make a decision about current marriage. If he continues, I'm out.

The problem is he did this impulsively, to take the decision out of his hands and well....he did it in spades!

I will wish him luck, if he wants to stay with her and I will have my closure.

I feel that I did everything I could in my power to make this relationship work. If it doesn't....well, I can still walk away with my respect intact. I have loved him and cared for him at each point in this journey - without judgement and with patience.

Having a child - impulsive or not - is something I will not - and should not - compete with. This child will need a full time father and though they are married only for 3 weeks, maybe this is what he needed. Maybe its forced structure that he needed and the something that I could not provide.
I will have to accept that.

[Orchid37]

Well, its 6am....I'm trying to re-focus - as the anxiety is very high first thing in the morning.
Today, I am making a conscious decision to NOT have a day like yesterday. It is going to be all right. I will be all right. I have made it essentially on my own for the last 2 yrs. anyways. My day to day life only changes in that I can no longer carry on this illusion of a relationship. I am not alone. I have God. I have myself. I have friends who are beyond compare. I have a family. I have a career I love. I am able to support myself. I have lost my best friend and the concept of a relationship and having my own family.

These are rough waters, no doubt, but, I will be ok.

I did text him yesterday and said "Got a min?". Just thought "I need to know if she is pregnant", but he never replied. I think that is what is difficult. The shred of hope is soooo slim, its non-existent. However, I am an optimist at heart and that is why this wait is so difficult. Its a more acute state of "limbo" - with a known end point. Difficult.

But, I'm focusing on him again. I do have many things to decide. First is, how do I decide what place to make my home? I will be done with this job in 2 yrs and will have to make a decision now on the next job. Its crazy bc I have no idea where to begin. Always thought...."i will go wherever he wants to". Weak!!!

I know I want warm weather. Water would be great, Mountains would be great. But, I worry about being 40something and alone. Hmmm....will have to research that today. I need affordability, as well. It would be helpful if I was near someone I know. Ok, its friday and I have the next 3 days off. I will come up with a list of 5 places that I would like to make my home!

Yeah! Today's blog was helpful!! The anxiety is less.....focus is on finding a new area to live.

[Orchid37]

Its another day. I'm doing ok this am. I had the last 3 days off and just couldn't function at all. I spent most of the last 2 days on the couch. I feel like someone has beat me up with a metal bat!
There are times when the prospect of spending the rest of my life by myself is so overwhelming, it really consumes me and I feel hopeless. Then, at times I start looking at the world and saying "I can do this". And come up with all sorts of different senarios for my life.

In the end, I am....mostly....in disbelief....shouldn't be, as its been so long now...but, am...that he is a very selfish man.

Not a lot more to it.... I kept thinking "'poor guy, blah, blah, blah". But, in reality - he decided he doesn't feel like its working and decided the way to handle this is to leave...so he left....not, talking it over....not, discussing it.....went to a lawyer without telling me, and then just presented me with papers...again....stating "this is the only way". Every step of the way.....and yet I am missing his presence and missing the idea of this man in my life. Regretting that I couldn't make it work. Regretting that I didn't matter to him.

On the other hand...I did the best I knew how. And, if its not meant to be, nothing in the world could have made this work.

I'm so tired of it all....thinking about it....crying about it...and yet, I can't seem to go very far from it - in my mind - I can't seem to stop thinking about it.

It's the most ridiculous thing.

How does one move on???

So....my roller coaster continues.......sigh.

[zengypsy]

Orchid37

You do realize that this "new" M your XH is in is doomed don't you? Pregnant or not pregnant. And forced structure is yet another setup for failure. He will begin to feel trapped. It's not going to be the "fix" for all his past problems especially if he hasn't dealt with them. Problems are portable and no new relationship, clothes, apt, baby etc. is EVER going to solve his demons. He is going to have growing resentment towards the new W and perhaps the baby. I have a distinct feeling that if she is preganant it was on purpose. Women who suffer from that much insecurity plot to keep their man in anyway possibly. It's a very self-centered attitude and the child suffers in the end. Men don't want and like to be manipulated. A child is not the glue that holds any relationship/M together.

[Orchid37]

I know that you are right, zengypsy. I can't imagine that he will not feel the "restlessness" and "need to leave" again, when he has not figured out what is causing it in the first place. It just seems too late for "us".

I think I have been thinking about the "rest of my life" and freaking out. Most of my friends and all of my family have their own families. I will be on my own. Its daunting. Some moments, I find panic that I have no kids...but, then...you are right...a child is not the glue for a M.

I have never been one to fear...but the finality of it makes me very uneasy. Who will care for me and vice versa? Who will I bounce ideas off of - on a day to day basis? How do I plan for my life? Who do I go on vacations with?

I'm very lucky.....I have a steady good job...but, then what? Life is about people and relationships.....

Thank you so much for your email....It really helped me thru my day today with some peace. I felt understood...Thank you.

I went to ur page...I'm sorry to read about the upcoming D.

Its a numb experience....For me - it seemed unreal to me! I just..... walked thru it, in a haze ...did my best...cried after it was over and then went for a day of spa! Just - to keep myself focused on the best of myself.

Do you have a plan for that day?

[Orchid37]

well, I came home early today and started to make a bucket list. Made plans with a friend to spend saturday with her at a spa and then have a "slumber party" with her thru sunday and watch sex and the city marathon. That made me feel so much better.

It is taking me so much more time than I want to start moving forward.
And then I realized that its been 2 weeks since I found everything out. Sigh. Its only been 2 weeks???? Why does it feel like YEARS!!!??? and then at times, it feels like SECONDS!

I wish I could be less emotional....but how do you do that? No answers....just need to make it one day at a time.... one moment at a time.....

I'm going to work on a presentation for work - for 15 min today. I will just start it. Its due in 2 weeks.....need to start doing something sometime.....these days my couch is getting a lot of time.....

[Orchid37]

I had a really good strong day yesterday and woke up this AM - on time - not super early - and headed to work with a feeling of strength within.....

Well, it was so super short lived. A friend asked how I was doing and I just have had anxiety ever since. I hate saying it out loud. I hate that I feel like I am going to be defined by this.....sigh

I can't make sense of it....It's over...I know it. I know it. I think this is the first time I have not spoken to him for this long amount of time. That is definitely adding to my anxiety. He has never done well when given time and space.....and I wonder what craziness awaits me....or what doesn't. It's final....

I think I have a lot of problems with closure. A friend asked me yesterday, what would be a good closure for me for this situation. Now, I have no idea....It used to be that if went thru marriage therapy to try to work things out and it didn't, I would be able to have closure. Now, no real closure. Presence of a child is my closure, I guess. Amazing! If 3 months ago, someone said "things could be worse" - I would have denied it heartily....and well.....I guess, things still could be worse...sigh.

Rough waters today.....they too shall pass, I suppose....

There is so much in life and yet I keep focusing on this one situation. If there is anything I have learned from this - its that we are all alike....so many are in the same place as me and some more/some less unstable.

I know it.....and yet, doesn't make things any easier.

[Orchid37]

I didn't cry today. It's the first day since I found out. I can't believe it. Also, I went for an hour long walk with a girlfriend and now I'm just exhausted. I have not been able to come to terms with what is starting to feel like my failure. I did follow the DB rules, but not only was I not able to make him stop and think - I feel like I pushed him to this other woman....except, I still cannot think of any way that I could have prevented this.....

Clearly, not in a good head space today. Am trying to move on from this, but having a very difficult time of it.... It's frustrating that he has a relationship and a possible child and I have......well, I have me.

HA! Actually, ok, I'm not in a bad situation. It feels like I am doomed somehow. But, of course, that is just emotion....feelings come and go...its a tough thing to convince yourself though.

Sigh. 2 good things today. Did not cry and Went for a walk.

I will try to have a better mind set for tomorrow. Just rambling today...

Sigh