BIRTHDAY Party,NEED ADVICE

[ninelives]

My wife texted me and wanted me to go to our sons birthday party or do something with the family. Those of you that are familiar with my sitch know my wife is with OM and left our marriage last Feb, then came back in July till she got caught.

So she invites me to birthday party, recinds the invite but then begs me to go again and to do it for OUR son. That she made a mistake by recinding and that I am acting selfish and childish for not going since I told her that I will NOT go to party but I want son for one hour on that day.

She tells me that our M is over and that she is in love with OM and that she feels close to him but also in quiet moments misses our family and is really all over the map. I believe more than ever that our M is in fact over. I sign papers today for the legal sep. I ask her then when do we go for divorce and she says she doesnt even want to think about Divorce. She tells me she wants to see me happy and that I should move on with another girl.

BAck to qquestion . Do I go to birthday party. I told her thwhen she left me , that included leaving the family and occasions like this will forever be changed.

We talked for abourt an hour last night on the phone after sooooo many texts about the subject.

I am so very confused. Iknow it would be a miracle if we werer to save the marriage now but Am I really punishing my s10 for not going to the party.

PLEASE HELP

9 BITS

[LearningPatience]

Think of it this way: if you D, you will still have to interact with ex for birthday parties, graduations, grandchildren, etc. The two of you will always be their parents. Other than abandonment, you two will always be in each other's lives.

This Bday party is for your S, not you or your W. IMHO, you should be there for him.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

I had the same experiance.
What your W and her family does for son's birthday is for them.
I did not attend when W asked me to go to S3 party.
I held my own party for him.
That's what you do.

Your W needs to realize, unfortunately, that this is the result of her decisions.

I decided I will not miss events that are achievements for my kids.
Last year D6 graduated from Pre-K class.
The kids put on a show for the parents.

Two months prior to the date, she asked me if I would go out to dinner with her P's and the kids.

I simple emailed her back that I already have plans. Which I did.

They chose not to stay for the kids.
We can't act as a family for the kids either.

This is reality.
gr8

[gr8 day 2B alive]

I told her when she left me , that included leaving the family and occasions like this will forever be changed.

There you have it. Are you going to go back on your word?

That's reality.

Celebrate your S's birthday with your family and friends.

[ninelives]

Thanks Gr8 and Karma. Two different opinions and I flip flop almost hourly on what to do.

She thinks that I am being petty about this and that I am trying to Punish her but in reality in her opinion, I am punishing my son. She said that she asked if it was alright if dad didnt makt the party and he said that it was Ok, but then got sullen and his eyes welled up with tears.

She said it broke her heart to see our son hurting like this but she doesnt realize that she it the true architect to this dilemma.

If I dont go , this will reinforce her notion of me being a selfish prlck. She has villified me in the relationship so i am told by some mutual friends.

I am sick of all this as Im sure most of us are.

9
BITS

[Redo]

I had the same experiance.
What your W and her family does for son's birthday is for them.
I did not attend when W asked me to go to S3 party.
I held my own party for him.
That's what you do.

Your W needs to realize, unfortunately, that this is the result of her decisions.

I decided I will not miss events that are achievements for my kids.
Last year D6 graduated from Pre-K class.
The kids put on a show for the parents.

Two months prior to the date, she asked me if I would go out to dinner with her P's and the kids.

I simple emailed her back that I already have plans. Which I did.

They chose not to stay for the kids.
We can't act as a family for the kids either.

This is reality.
gr8

If i really think about it, i agree with you fully. But sometimes i feel that when we do separate things for the kids, the ones who might suffer might be the kids. Because they might feel that she are being stretched between mom and dad. I cannot seem to understand this from a kid's perspective, but will the child really want 2 parties where one of the parent is missing? When i think this way then i feel that i have swallow my pride and attend the W's party just for the sake of my kid. But in this case the spouse needs to know that you are attending just for the sake of the child. I could be wrong here.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

I appreciate your thoughts mykarma.
IMO.
going to events like these only gives the chilren false hope that their mom and dad will be together.

IMO, it is better for the children in the long run.

My D6 still hs hope we'll be together. It's not going to happen.
That best thing you can do is assure them that BOTH mommy and Daddy love them very much and that everything will be OK.
Kids need to know they are safe.
That's the most important thing right now.


Also a friend of mine sister just got remarried, she brought to kids and he brought 3 kids into the new M.
They love having two parties, two christmas' two easters.

As long as they know they are loved , that's what matters.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

She said it broke her heart to see our son hurting like this but she doesnt realize that she it the true architect to this dilemma.

These are her feelings, Not yours.
Let her deal with her feeling the way she sees fit.
It's not your job to fix her.
Did she think about these feelings when she broke up a family?Don't buy into her drama. and that's what it is, HER DRAMA.

If I dont go , this will reinforce her notion of me being a selfish prlck. She has villified me in the relationship so i am told by some mutual friends

NOT AT ALL! Again this is her issue not your.
I see it has you standing up for yourself and the way you want to be treated.
I think it's great to not worry about her feelings about you.
You are setting a boundary here.
You will not be treated this way.

Her actions have consequences. The WAW will rewrite history to their liking.
They will see things in a different perspective so they can self validate their feeling of guilt knwing they broke up the family.

I'll stop here.

Don't worry about what she thinks if you don't go.

[2stepboogie]

I don't think going to the party or not going has anything to do with S to be honest with you. At least that is not the reason she is inviting you to go. My ex and I tried this at first when my D was only 1 but I quickly stopped. She had my D for awhile and I had my D for awhile. As far as Bday party, my D had two. She loved it. As long as son is taken care off that is what really matters.

She tells me that our M is over and that she is in love with OM and that she feels close to him but also in quiet moments misses our family and is really all over the map.

Doesn't sound like to me she is in love with anybody, she is in love with an idea.

she doesnt even want to think about Divorce

Why not? If she is so in 'love' the she should be happy.

She tells me she wants to see me happy and that I should move on with another girl.

Some of the ladies can correct me if I am wrong here but this sounds like a justification for herself. If she wants to see you happy and show her that you are. You don't need another woman right now to be happy because you control your own happiness.

In short if you don't want to go to the party, then don't. It has nothing to do with S spend the time you can with him and make sure he has a blast.

My 2 cents

[Redo]

I appreciate your thoughts mykarma.
IMO.
going to events like these only gives the chilren false hope that their mom and dad will be together.

IMO, it is better for the children in the long run.

My D6 still hs hope we'll be together. It's not going to happen.
That best thing you can do is assure them that BOTH mommy and Daddy love them very much and that everything will be OK.
Kids need to know they are safe.
That's the most important thing right now.


Also a friend of mine sister just got remarried, she brought to kids and he brought 3 kids into the new M.
They love having two parties, two christmas' two easters.

As long as they know they are loved , that's what matters.

You know, you are right. I was thinking from an emotional point of view(typical Indian trait). You were being much more practical.