Help!!! Newbie in a mess!

[Orchid37]

I needed to start writing again. I was on this blog- 2 yrs ago - when my H of 5 yrs suddenly gave me divorce papers. At the time, I was shocked and this blog really helped me work thru a lot of my own pain. But, in the end, he wouldn't budge and he wanted to go thru the divorce, take some time apart, and then see if we could make it work. We don't have any kids and from everything he was doing, I thought he will snap out of it. Stupid me. Believed it. He came back to live with me 6 months after we finalized the D. Lived with me for 8 months - just went thru the motions of day to day living. I should have gotten back on this blog for advice then....anyways, hindsight is 20/20. Jan 1st he left again. 2 weeks ago, I get a call from a women asking who I was and why I was texting her husband. She then apologizes saying that "it must be her pregnancy hormones". I felt like it was a joke. This couldn't possibly be happening. But, it was....
H still says he is confused. HA! How? He states it was impulsive and he doesn't think it will last. I am so crazed in my head right now....a mess. Its over. I know it now.
He says he called a therapist the day all this happened (I found out) cuz he doesn't know what he is doing and now he has hurt me, the only person he has ever really cared about. NOW he gets a therapist? Now what can be done?
I failed this marriage and this relationship so badly. I had him here for 5 months when he said "This is still not working". I said "we need to go to marriage counseling, we need to take a vacation, etc" Every idea I would put up, he found a way to NOT participate.
Now all of a sudden I'm the other woman? It's crazy, he left 6 weeks ago and he got married 3 weeks ago. Sigh. And she is pregnant?!
I am lost. I am so lost.

[KarenR]

Hi Orchid37, I am so sorry you are going thru such a painful time. You are not the one to take the responsibility for failing the marriage and relationship. That burden is keeping you from moving forward or figuring out what you can do, if you still want to try to have a relationship with him. Our coaches are fantastic in helping you get clear what your goal is and I guarantee you won't be feeling so lost after your first call. I would look forward to talking to you. Take good care of yourself!

[Orchid37]

Thanks Karen.

[Orchid37]

Well, I made it thru day 2 of my 30 day wait to see what my ex-H will come up with next. Had my first telephone coaching session and it was really good to get it all out. Wish I had done that a while ago, just for that support.

Time is a funny thing. So much and yet so little.

Today was a pretty good day. Its the first day since I found out about the OW and possible pregnancy - that I was able to focus on other things. Finished work early and came home, had a small teary session, then went to have lunch with a friend, went to study with same friend, and then went for a 1hr walk while chatting with my sister. It was great!

Weirdly, today I don't have much to say about my situation. This is weird cuz for days, I've been just brimming with thoughts and tears and emotions.

But, on the other hand, I have a plan, I'm not totally happy with it, but I know my reality is bad currently. And I will have to first find out if this OW is pregnant. If so, my limbo ends. Its awful, but I think there is freedom in that plan.

I am praying to God that she is NOT pregnant, but if she is, I know that I have no place in that mess. Sigh.....never thought my life would end up this way. Feel stupid and naive.

Deep Breath and just move on....

I was thinking of this question of "what are my hobbies?" I don't really have any.

The only thing I could think of was to go hot air balloon riding. Seems like a crazy thing to do. And....where to start for something like that??

I need to make lists again. I bought a calendar (which is of 1001 Places to see before you die) - I like to travel

I just discovered that right now...

But....travel......alone? sigh

Anyways, I am focusing on this next 28 days and I will re-asses after that. Limbo is something I have been doing it for so long - it has become a way of life for me. Its painful - more so right now - as there is a whole new component suddenly. So one step at a time.

3 things to accomplish for tomorrow

1. Get in a workout

2. Prepare tax paperwork and make an appointment

3. Make my bed!

I guess I had a lot to say after all....:)

[Orchid37]

I am awake early again and then the first thought I had was "OMG, he is married" and that was the end of any peace.

I have no power left. Truthfully, haven't had any for awhile, but now it is so final. This is so unhealthy. The problem with this is that no matter what happens, I have no choice any longer. I hate that I can no longer hang on.

It makes me mad that he is forcing the situation to be over by making this impulsive decision. I mean, how can you marry someone after 3 weeks? How can you not tell your family? What kind of woman marries a man like that? Why did she have to be pregnant????

well... we are waiting for an answer to that question....It makes me angry that I was responsible and patient and was with him when he had nothing....went thru the initial yrs of starting adulthood with him....and he with me.......and yet, bam!

she has my dream - in 3 weeks - that I could not obtain in 6 yrs! Seems like fate!

I remember someone saying that I am waiting too long in the marriage to have children and maybe I did, but I didn't feel we were ready. And....well, apparently we were not - in that sense, I guess it is also a blessing. Sigh.

It feels like the end - sigh.

[Orchid37]

ok. called a friend. feel better again. this is such a roller coaster. the more i try to avoid, the more i get bottled up inside. i think i just need to cry when i feel like and stop fighting it.

Most likely it is the end of a decade's worth of relationship.

I need a list of movies to watch!