Piecing is almost harder than before #2...

[XYZ]

see
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2120155&page=1

[XYZ]

Ok, so I'm just venting and I won't actually do what I'm about to say because I know that it would sabotage me completely, but I am so dying to set ultimatum or deadline. A decide by x date if we're on or off or I'm done and moving on.

I, of course, will not do that. I will, instead, stay patient and wait for time to heal, but uggggggh that's the hardest part. Not in my nature.

[Bolt]

glad you are just venting that...
How long has the "waiting" been?

[XYZ]

Well, on Friday it will be 4 months since I moved back home from the separation. 6 months roughly from the bomb.

I suspect like many of you, I am on several daily email lists from various marriage help professionals. Some are good, some not so much. I just re-read a story that I got a while ago and need to keep it in mind. I'll quote part of it here (hope this isn't some sort of copyright violation):
***************

"Do you know what happens after you plant the seed of a Chinese Bamboo Tree? Nothing. That's right. Absolutely nothing. For 4 years after planting the seed of this tree you get no satisfaction other than a tiny shoot coming out of a bulb. Must be something wrong, right? A still birth or stunted growth. A bad
seed maybe. If you didn't know about the growth patterns for this tree, you'd think that all your efforts to
plant and cultivate were useless. But, in fact, what's happening all the time is that underneath the ground there's a massive root structure that's forming. You can't see it, but it's there and it's HUGE. Then, in the 5th year, the Chinese Bamboo Tree grows and grows and grows, sometimes up to EIGHTY FEET tall!

Marriages sometimes grow like Chinese Bamboo Trees. You try and try doing kindnesses, giving gifts, being gentle, sharing a joke, but sometimes it takes months, even years before you SEE the growth. But all the while you're making deposits into a secret account that all of a sudden (that's the way it seems, but, in fact, my point is that it's not all of sudden) begins paying dividends.

It takes maturity to be patient. And it takes maturity to be willing to give your spouse the time they need to grow and to see that time as an opportunity for you to grow too.

There's a women who has been asking her husband to join her at the dinner table for SIX MONTHS. And for 6 months he's been rejecting her as he takes his dinner into the family room to eat in front of the TV. He was punishing her. He was angry. For 6 months she took the rejection. Everyday for 6 months she asked him to come to dinner and everyday he said "No." One day, unannounced, and for no apparent reason, he said to her while she was fixing dinner in the kitchen, "Can I join you at the table tonight?"
"Yes," she said, and turned away to wipe her tears. Did she deserve 6 months of the silent treatment?
No one does no matter what the reason. But don't let anyone tell you to give up. It's NEVER too late. Things change. People change."

[XYZ]

So.....our Anniversary is next week. Trying to figure out how to play it (especially after the V-day card fiasco). I'm thinking a nice, store-bought (i.e. NOT hand-made) card that is sweet, but not too mushy and nothing more. Don't want to under-do, but sure as hell don't want to over-do either.

BTW, I'm not saying anything about it before hand. At least partially because I want to see what W does. I'm very curious. I'm betting she does nothing, so I have no expectations and I won't be disappointed, but I would certainly be pleasantly surprised if she books a romantic get-away for the weekend. Ha. Maybe she'll put a winning lottery ticket in the card too.

[Harrier]

Man, I am glad my anniversary is in October. I would not know how to play it.

Actually, that's not true. I gave my W an inexpensive necklace that had three loops tied to ether. I said they represented our kids and me. She really like it and wears it often. Plus it was cheap.

The bamboo tree story is interesting, but in this case we don't know and when the bamboo tree will grow.

I think this leads to to a thought I had. I was struggling for a long time because I would read stuff and wonder why I can't be like what I read. I'd wonder what is wrong with me. I could give great advice to people, but I couldn't follow it myself.

Then it happened. Maybe the bamboo tree analogy plays here too. All the stuff we do during this process, the learning, the venting, the 2x4s, the highs and lows all go into an account. And some times it seems like a waste of effort. But then one day you wake up with a sense of calm and peace.

I am there now. I was thinking this morning as my wife was walking around naked. I don't need affection from her. I don't need to ML.

I know the affection will come in due time, but just having her around, being friendly, beautiful and a good mom and partner, is really more than I could ask for considering the last year.

It sounds corny, but it is about true giving. Giving of yourself without expecting anything in return. My wife had a rough afternoon at work. when we came home, I told her to take some time for herself while I made dinner and took care of the kids. I also thought she needed a good hug. Now I wasn't doing it because I wanted to feel her in my arms I was 100% doing it because I know she needed it.

And before getting in her car this morning, she thanked me for last night. Then, totally unexpected, she gave me a kiss and an hug. After a while, I was going to pull away but she still held on tight and said "Just a little longer."

You can bet I had a huge smile on my way to work. but even if she didn't give me the kiss and hug, I'd still be feeling good.

[XYZ]

That's awesome, Harrier. What I wouldn't give for a Hug, and Kiss and a "just a little longer"....

[Bolt]

So.....our Anniversary is next week. Trying to figure out how to play it (especially after the V-day card fiasco). I'm thinking a nice, store-bought (i.e. NOT hand-made) card that is sweet, but not too mushy and nothing more. Don't want to under-do, but sure as hell don't want to over-do either.

BTW, I'm not saying anything about it before hand. At least partially because I want to see what W does. I'm very curious. I'm betting she does nothing, so I have no expectations and I won't be disappointed, but I would certainly be pleasantly surprised if she books a romantic get-away for the weekend. Ha. Maybe she'll put a winning lottery ticket in the card too.

because of Vday, I would keep it low key. Let me ask, what is the harm in making a date? It is a special occasion. Just a simple dinner at a place you guys like.

[Bolt]

harrier, that is so true. I'm beginning (slowly) to get to that place as well. I've had that exact same thing happen to me too - giving selflessly and then getting something in return.

I know it's just a matter of time right now and the only thing I can do to screw it up is to be impatient. That's what keeps me going.

[XYZ]

The only harm is that I've done the date thing several times lately and I really feel like I want to back off and see what she does. She asked me a while ago to back off the pressure, I have and it's worked. If I do all the chasing, she'll never chase me. I think I'm in a hybrid DB/piecing mode and I need to lean a little more to the DB side. I'm keeping it low key with a simple card I think.