Forgiveness

[NotFromThesePart]

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness the last couple of days. I see my role in my D. I understand it. In the end I've come to the conclusion that while much was my fault, the majority was her. She had the A. I didn't. I could have gotten over it. She either couldn't or didn't believe I could. That was our undoing.

I'm moving on, starting a new life. I want to forgive her. I can forgive her. But I'm feeling a lot of resentment. She doesn't see her actions were wrong. She will say she handled if poorly but in the end she can't see it as a mistake. She had an affair with her married boss, and now there are two divorces in the works. To me, this is a clear case of a moral failure. A mistake. An error. Even if she wanted out beforehand, she should have handled it better. She could have handled it better. To me the affair was a mistake. It was wrong, but to err is human.

I forgive her for this. Truly. But I'm still having a hard time moving on. If she would admit this. If she would just admit the affair was a failure on her part. If she would see it, I think it would be good for both of us and for whatever future relationship we may have.

I'm not looking to get back together. I'm not looking for reconciliation, that boat has sailed. But I want to release the anger and resentment. How do I do this, when we see the central issue of the D so differently?

Can such an affair EVER be justified? She had options. She chose poorly. How do you forgive someone who won't admit they made a mistake?

[kml]

First of all - Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

Pisses people off to hear this sometimes, but it's very very true.

Forgiving HER is necessary because NOT forgiving her is hurting YOU. YOU pay the price for holding on to the resentment. It poisons YOUR life.

Also - you said:
"How do you forgive someone who won't admit they made a mistake? "

Maybe in some way it wasn't a mistake.

Hear me out. I agree with you, it was morally despicable and unwise on her part.

But as it pertains to YOU - maybe it's not totally a mistake. Maybe she knew on some level that she wasn't good enough for you. Maybe as far as YOUR life goes, this will turn out to be a blessing in disguise.

I know this probably sounds strange to you. It would have sounded that way to me too when my husband of 24 years left. But now that we are divorced, I am starting to realize how much better my life is. And I think, on some level, he knew I deserved better in my life than what he had left to give me.

[NotFromThesePart]

Hi KML,

No is doesn't sound strange at all. Life isn't perfect right now but it is good. I've climbed out of my hole. I'm 90% back to my old self. I'm sorta dating someone. I'm not pushing it but it feels great to be appreciated and to fall back into a place where I can be "just me".

I do miss stbxw. I know she misses me too. She tells me that if i were to move back to her state it would make her "extremely happy". She want's my friendship. But I don't want people in my life who can just do such despicable things and think, well, "yeah it wasn't so great, but no biggie, right? I'm trying to be positive!" It drags down any interactions we have. But then, I feel bad, that somehow I'm in the wrong because I've gotten my $#!t together and am moving on.

I know things could have gone down differently and that we could both be in better places now. I guess that is the thing. There was so much needless pain. And I can forgive that, but in some sense she doesn't see it as needless. Maybe I just want to help her through this time, but she won't make the step of seeing errors.

Maybe there is a blessing in there for me. Today, I can look back and say I really tried. REALLY, tried. The breakup wasn't my doing and for a time, I would have done anything to fix it. She can't say that, and never will be able to. I think that is a kind of blessing for me. I'm starting again without guilt and I don't ever wonder if I did enough to save my M. If there is a bright side to how things went down, I think that is it.

[Cyrena]

NFTP,

When you're ready to let the past go completely through forgiveness, I think you'll find that the other person's willingness to accept their part in a relationship breakdown, is irrelevant.

Myself, I was molested by a close family friend throughout my childhood, and for the longest time I thought I wouldn't be able to forgive him until he apologized. (I doubt he's capable of admitting anything.) However, by chosing to forgive him, it was as though I erased all the changes his actions had made in me. I refused to be a victim any longer. I refused to carry an open wound in my heart. I acknowledged that people commit evil acts, but chose not to let my ability to love, appreciate my children, think clearly (plus all other negative effects of the abuse) be affected by him any longer. It was amazing: I got myself back. When you are ready to stop holding on to any resentment, you can do the same.

Your line, "Maybe I just want to help her through this time, but she won't make the step of seeing errors" really jumped out at me. People can only process their desire to change on their own. To want to help her with that seems rather controlling/codependent/authoritarian--more like proving yourself right than actually helping your stbxw. As Al Turtle points out, people always make sense to themselves at the time. Whether she will one day stop seeing her past actions as still making sense is ultimately up to her.

It's good that you can see the blessing in how things turned out, and can appreciate how hard you tried. Best of luck on your journey towards peace.

[NotFromThesePart]

Thanks Cyrena,

I think you are right that there is something controlling in my desire to "want to help her". There is a latent desire to be right. I'm aware of it at least, and that is growth I think.

I don't want to be that way. I do think she hurts herself by not admitting her role. I guess I haven't figured out how to be a good a supporting friend when I see destructive behavior. And it is not just the A. Until very recently she basically never talked to anyone in her family. I push her a little to rectify that and she has. I don't know if it was my influence, but I'm glad she is talking with her sisters again.

I hate the fact that I can't see how to be friends with her. Maybe it is just still too soon.

There is more work to do.