Hello, This is my first post. My wife of 16 years dropped the bomb on me on 2/10 that she is no longer feeling emotionally connected and needs to find herself. She went to her sister's apartment over the following weekend and came back with the conclusion we need to get a divorce. This was on the heels of going to counseling for 2 years starting 3 years ago. I felt we were in a much better place and we were very capable of solving our own issues. Unfortunately, I love her now more than I ever have. I was able to talk to her about doing mediation instead of a trial and I also told her I needed more time. I did pick up a copy of DR from the library and I've read it cover to cover, and I am re-reading it now. I am doing the Last Resort technique. I already inherently did the 180 part up front because I just listened and really didn't try to change her mind. I am working on the GAL now. I am just having a hard time being creative. I am being upbeat, and I did take our 10 year son snow tubing over the weekend. I am thinking about doing a personal spiritual retreat out of state next weekend. She is applying a lot of pressure to start the divorce mediation and to talk to our son about it - which I am totally dreading.
Her main complaint is that she's not feeling emotionally connected. She gave the ILYBINILWY. She says we have different goals. She also says she constantly feels stressed.
Decide together whether you want to tell your son seperately or together. In my case, since I wanted to save the M and W wanted the D, I told her I couldn't do it together, because it would look like I agree to breaking up the family. On the other hand, after she told the kids and was truthful with them that it was her choice and not mine, it still drove me a little nuts what else she might be telling them. Just a consideration.
As far as D goes, I insisted W do all the work, so she got a lawyer and filed, then I got one and responded - it costs more this way, but it's only money. The vibe I got from her is that she hated that I was not "cooperating" and was very, very cold and irritated. But she's still getting what she wants - to not be married to me.
Right "now" your W does not want to be married to you, and either way she can legally attain that objective. So decide how much you want to cooperate. I tried to buy time, in the hope that W might have doubts about D, but it didn't work. However, in my case there is an OM involved - that's a huge factor or "crutch" for my W. Her WAW syndrome wasn't even triggered until OM came along.
My advice is do not do anything with the "goal in mind" of winning her back - that's way, way down the road and possibly even a dead end. Make you goal the best possible life you can give your son and YOURSELF, accepting the possibility of different future scenarios.
Make it clear to her that you believe you can still have wonderful M and the best envornment for your son is a loving home with a mom and dad in love with each other, but validate her feelings.
Only then can you give her what she wants - the D - or she'll take it kicking and screaming - or she may even have doubts about the D. You know her best. Do what's best for your sitch; there are no magic answers.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
He had suggested the 180 to do some research and possibly at least one follow-up discussion on how to tell our son about the situation. I think I've learned this flies in the face of how I have been handling conflict in our marriage. The problem is we are both conflict avoiders. I tend to dodge the conflict and my W tends to withdrawl. By setting up a time to talk and meeting this conflict head-on, in an odd sort of way, it has introduced a positive change to our relationship. She actually thanked me for doing the research and thanked me for talking about it and bringing it up.
She is still asking my opinion on a lot of stuff and she's told me she values my feedback. She is starting to look for a place to live. I asked her if she would like for me to look at a couple places with her (I am calling it a 180), and she was pleasantly surprised.
Still working on the GAL. The weekend away was fantastic. Got to go to the UNC-Duke game with my son. It did get a little harder when I got closer to home on the way back. I'll have say I shed a multitude of tears for our son and for our relationship.
So - hopefully I am seeing some baby steps in chipping away at her wall she's built up.
