Living a Country Song - Part III

[♪CS♪]

It really does. TBH, I just started getting sick of her having it both ways.

I can't imagine what she is thinking, I'll never know. But, before this all started, she didn't even want to do a 2 night trip out of town because it would be too much time away from D. Now she goes multiple days every week without seeing her. I don't know how that cannot be hard on her. And all these text messages when I have D is only to make it easier on her. I don't think that is my responsibility. She made the choice to leave, she will need to live with those consquences.

[♪CS♪]

I don’t even know if I can decipher my own feelings right now. My brain seems to be flying 1,000 mph. It is like trying to watch a movie in fast forward. You catch bits, but cannot follow the plot.

Not a good day overall, I did much better over the weekend. Hopefully I can relax tonight. I need a beer….

[iwllbd1]

Hard place were in Country. A huge part of you wants to fix your M, but another part is saying "it's over, go after another girl." Tough demons to wrestle with. Things might move faster than you have planned with this new girl...are you prepared for that? I know I am not. I still wake up every morning with anxiety for my W. The way I look at it, no one has filed in your sitch yet. What is to stop your W from doing that? Mothers with young children, in my opinion, are the most likely to soften. Huge mistakes have been made in our M, but there is road left to travel. Be patient with this new girl. If she is a good pick for you, she will understand.

[♪CS♪]

Yeah, the other girl thing is kind of complicated. Things already started off way faster than I had intended. I need to make sure she understands my intentions. I am NOT looking to get into a “relationship.” I guess I don’t look at her as “moving on.” More of a way to get my mind to a better place. A way to detach. The crappy part about that, then I feel like I am using her. It doesn’t quite feel right.

Had a text exchange with the W, mostly necessary details. It was pretty cold…

M: Hey, I got everything worked out with daycare. Did you ever get your email working?

W: Oh, not yet – did you send one? BTW, D’s dr. appt is tomorrow at 10:15 I think.

M: No, I was going to. Tomorrow at 10:15, got it.

W: Is that the time I told you before? I can’t find where I wrote it down.

M: Yes, it’s in my calendar.


I was going to send her a song I did where I recorded my D’s sounds and put it over music. Probably not a good idea to send it anyways.

[Truegritter]

More of a way to get my mind to a better place. A way to detach.

There is detaching and then there is detaching by distraction.

You are seeking validation. Not blaming you.

Not judging you either.

LBS are very fragile in that department until they decide to take charge of what is happening to them.

Be aware of what you are feeling and why.

And control it.

Then work on your goals.

How is this new person helping you work on your goals?

What is she giving you?

What do you NEED right now?

[Truegritter]

This process IS about M after all, so I do not think that having goals based on certain things I would like to see from my W as inappropriate.

The way I see DB'ing is you understand you only control your own actions, but you also realize how those actions affect others. We look back and see how our negative actions affected our M's, DB'ing is about replacing those actions with positives to move it in the other direction.

You told me this ^^^^ when I asked about your goals about two weeks ago.

One of your goals was to see postive changes from your W. It works both ways my friend.

Do you think your choices right now are something your W would consider positive changes in you?

F@ck that...Do YOU think they are?

Country I am not trying to put tacks in your saddle here...

I am trying to make sure you know whether your choices are getting you where you want to be or if they are an excuse for not doing it.

Tough sh!t man. I am sorry but this is tough. There is no easy way through it.

Only way through it, is through it.

You won't get there by leaning on someone else.

It's your work.

If you choose to do it.

[♪CS♪]

If you choose to do it.

That is the question. Sometimes I just don't know...

[♪CS♪]

TG, I have thought more about this and I need to be honest with myself.

I have slipped hard as far as my personal goals and improvements are concerned.

I have been drinking more again. I haven't worked out in over a week. I am seeing some girl I am not even interested in. My current path is more one of self destruction than self improvement.

Mentally I am all over the place. I have been angry at her a lot lately. That makes it hard to focus on me. It makes it hard to care.

I guess I need to REALLY decide what I want. What I am willing to do?

I guess a part of me just questions all of this. How can it work if she never sees it? If what I am doing doesn't save the M, do I care? I have been a self destructive person for a long time. I care about my family SO much. But I have never cared that much about myself. I know that has almost everything to do with why I am here today.

[Truegritter]

I guess a part of me just questions all of this. How can it work if she never sees it?

That depends on you.

You can keep down this path if that it who you want to be or make some changes for you.

If she sees it and wants to be with the new perosn you have become

Then great if that is what you decide you want.

But

I have been a self destructive person for a long time. I care about my family SO much. But I have never cared that much about myself. I know that has almost everything to do with why I am here today.

OK.

That doesn't mean you have to be that guy the rest of your life.

First is recognizing what your choices have brought.

Next is wanting to be different.

Then Forgive yourself for your shortcomings.

Part of this is faith Country.

For your W to see you. For you to believe she can see you differently.

You have to see it yourself first.

You have to find what you want.

What do you want?

[JustStunned]

Country, Ok so you’ve taken a harder look at yourself.

If your anger at her causes you to self destruct then who gains? IMO no one.

This is about making it through this sh*t storm a better person. This is about improving yourself!

Look at this from another angle. If your W looked back over her shoulder tomorrow morning thinking “maybe I made a mistake” how would she perceive what she sees?

Doing what I am doing may not save my M, but I am dam sure going to become a better person for the experience, and someday when my W looks over her shoulder she will regret her decision to run away. It isn’t pretty, it may not be right, but I am finding motivation from it.

You can do this!