A Whole New Bolt

[Bolt]

(I just needed a strange title - like the song in Aladdin)

Anyway.
I wanted to start off this thread by asking a question to all the ladies out there. Guys, you can chime in if there is something that worked but given our sitches...maybe not.

I'm busting tail trying to get this thing going. Saying the right things. Complimenting. Being attentive, unselfish, caring, thoughtful, respectful, the whole 9.5 yards (I even went an extra half yard).

But I'm not feeling the desire on her end. I know that's because I have expectations but it's hard to quell those. I do want to continue doing the things I am doing but some days(actually MOST days) it seems for naught.

A big for instance was this poem I wrote. It was spontaneous and very heartfelt. I emailed it early in the day on friday. I usually get some sort of response via text or email but then, I got none.

Now, I did get upset at first and even vented a little. But I kept my head and waited for her to come home where she did say thanks.

I realize the circumstances when she came home - tough day, migraine - but still...it hurt.

I'm allowed to feel pain.

I let it go another day - saturday. Still nothing more.

So today, we drive up the coast to see a college buddy of ours. I ask her to reread the poem again, now that her head is cleared.

She does, when we left her alone. When we returned she said the poem was good. And that was it.

I know I know...expectations but come on. It's starting to get to me. I know it hasn't been long and some others have sitches worse than mine but this is my sitch and I have to deal with this one.

It just feels that there is no love and won't be love coming back. It seems that all of these little things that I post and get positive feedback from are really done out of "wifely duty".

Which brings me to the question to the ladies. What am I doing wrong? Is it my lack of patience still? STILL? I mean, in some of our conversations, we get very deep. We look into each others' eyes and I think I feel this connection.

Am I wanting it to happen so bad that I'm imagining it or am projecting it?

She keeps saying that it's going to take her time. She has to figure out herself first. What the hell does that mean? I feel that when you are in a marriage, you have given up a part of yourself to the marriage. When you have kids, you give up a part of yourself to the kids. I'm not sure what she means when she says that?

These feelings are confusing and I'm afraid that after any more rejections, I'll be the WAS...

[grr]

bolt
maybe you are being a little too available??
i know that i desire my husband more when he lets me come to him

if she is confused and trying to sort things out in her head, you looking at her with puppy dog eyes, is going to push her away physically

it's kind of like db'ing
you know?

she knows you love her, want and desire her

if what you have been doing is not working in THAT department (and you know which one) change it up

don't give off any sexual vibe at all
as if it's the last thing on your mind
sooner or later, it will be the first thing on hers

patience boltie, patience

[sparks14]

bolt
maybe you are being a little too available??
i know that i desire my husband more when he lets me come to him

if she is confused and trying to sort things out in her head, you looking at her with puppy dog eyes, is going to push her away physically

it's kind of like db'ing
you know?

she knows you love her, want and desire her

if what you have been doing is not working in THAT department (and you know which one) change it up

don't give off any sexual vibe at all
as if it's the last thing on your mind
sooner or later, it will be the first thing on hers

patience boltie, patience

I gotta agree with grr here. Slow it down a bit. Gotta sit back and let her come to you.

[tdb68]

I am going to agree with everyone here, I am on my 3rd go around since 2001 with a WAW. Both of the previous times it took a LOT longer than I expected for her to come around, and patience was definitely not even in my vocabulary the first time around. Unfortunately, being here the third time myself, I am at least at the point where I understand that she will come around in HER time. Not one minute before. Forget expectations, they set you up for disappointment. Just go with it day by day.. And hopefully, it will come. Just my 2 cents.

[Busting Mode]

Letting her come to me is working better for me, too.

Way better.

Used to think she would feel upset if I didn't contact her. Felt she might think I wasn't available or there for her when she wanted me or something.

Make no mistake . They know they have the power to connect with us anytime they want. That is part of what makes us unattractive.

As the old joke goes, a little boy and a little girl are in the playground. The little boy pulls down his shorts and proudly says

"Look at this! I've got one of THESE!"

The little girl shrugs and hiking up her skirt says

"Yeah but I've got one of these. And with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want."

But now I've realized there is an even better punchline.

"Guys we're no longer little boys. We're men."

Granted that line isn't quite as funny, but it certainly puts the ball(s) back into our court.

[Bolt]

yep and I agree on all accounts from you all. Her and I had a nice talk last night where it even got pretty heated as in yelling (we haven't done that in a long time so I was actually a little relieved, in a way)

BUT

We did resolve quite a bit. She was saying a lot of what you are saying to a TEE. Which is also good. The thing is, we got into this mess not only because I was selfish, disrespectful,etc but ALSO because she didn't know how to communicate with me and then shut things down.

We both don't want that to happen so we want to express our feelings with each other. The last thing we both want is one side to shut down because they feel like they are either "going nowhere" or "not being heard".

We cleared the air and said, we both just want it to happen naturally and have fun with it. Have fun just being. Have fun being around each other without this pressure of the "relationship" hanging over us.

It was honestly the best news I could hear. It's what I really wanted to hear. It's been hard because I have NEVER been insecure with my relationship with her. This is all new territory for me. I don't fear another man in the relationship at all (anymore) but I was fearing losing her.

Now I know what she wants and it's what I want (I'm at least pretty sure on that).

I will back off in the way of pursuing as much but I'm still going to be speaking her LL just to keep that interest.

What is that GRR, stay JUST out of arms length so she can grab ME back in?

TDB thanks for the encouragement too. It really helps a ton especially from someone who has experienced exactly this. To me, it makes no sense but from what you, the others, and especially GRR are saying, it helps me to at least SEE her side.

You know the funniest part about all of this?

She was the snuggliest(new word, just made it up) last night that she's been in a long time. It seemed like I was in her arms all night.

[zengypsy]

Bolt - You're story inspires us - every step of the way. We get so anxious when we have that small window of hope - we just want grab it all full force.

This is when patience is put to the test at it's fullest I think and you are doing well.

Keep it up!

[Coach]

But I'm not feeling the desire on her end.

Do you know why?

Read up on attraction and PEA chemicals. Do your homework on why womens feelings of love are tied to respect.

[angel61]

Its not only men who want to pursue, women like it too! I think its human nature to want what's hard to get.

Just to give you another woman's perspective: I think back to some of the fun times in my M, and the days that stand out are those where H and I are comfortable, laughing, having fun, but later, the fun turns more into light flirting, glances across the room, with a sexual undercurrent, not too obvious. Especially during a social event. Not too much PDA.

You were being too intense, what with all that poetry.Keep it fun and friendly. Save the poetry for the time when you renew your vows....

[2stepboogie]

But I'm not feeling the desire on her end.

Bolt, why does this surprise you? I know it can be exhausting some days but but be who you want to be and don't keep looking for the pat on the back. That will come. On her time table not yours.

some days(actually MOST days) it seems for naught.

I will let you answer this complain yourself.

I'll tell you what. She definitely appreciated it

She held tight and wouldn't let go when I started to.

There IS hope if you listen.

There is a chance if you change.

That was written by you just a few days ago.

Any questions?

I emailed it early in the day on friday. I usually get some sort of response via text or email but then, I got none.

Let her read it. Let her come to you.

I ask her to reread the poem again, now that her head is cleared

Bolt you know I love you man, BUT I think this was not necessary at all. You are too far along to do this type of backsliding.

It just feels that there is no love and won't be love coming back.

You know what I love about your post BOlt. You do all the work for me by answering your own concerns. I went back about 1 week and here was the answer

Lastly, I went in and told her thanks. Thanks for a great day. Thanks for being there for not just me but for all of us today. Thanks for being you.

She hugged me and gave me a big kiss.

please all...help me remember this day. I want to cherish it - ESPECIALLY from where I was this morning...maybe I need to stop taking my grumpy pills...

That was easy