I don't think the marriage that I'm in will ever be a healthy one. After my last post here, I ended up in a nut house for several days because I was having suicidal thoughts. H didn't call or visit. I went back home determined to get my life together without him. I know I would have been okay. A few days later, he called me and sucked me back in. I don't know why I let it happen.
He seemed committed. Again. Moreso this time. I wanted to take things slow, and he respected that. I was embarrassed to tell my friends we were going to try again. Not everyone knows we split a second time. Not everyone knows we got back together a second time.
Anyway. The trust issues were still there but to a lesser extent. I asked him a couple times why I should feel like I can trust him now after he’s lied to me so much over the last 10 years. I did think he was working on building my trust back.
We had a fight because he had decided he was going to trade his prescription painkillers for pot. This was out of the blue for me, and something I am determined not to have to put up with in our marriage. A couple weeks before, I caught him growing plants in the house. When I confronted him, he pulled them out and threw them away. When I told him that I could not deal with this trade, he said he wouldn’t do it.
I found out he was lying to me. He was still going to go see his dealer and make the trade. He’s tried to manipulate me by saying, “I didn’t realize I was lying because I kept changing my mind.” I know it’s all bullshit.
I’ve realized, FINALLY, that he is a compulsive liar and an addict. I can not be happy married to this man. He does not think any of this was a problem EXCEPT for the lying. I told him the only possibility of saving this marriage, which he is not adamant that he wants, is counseling. We had been seeing a counselor who specializes in addictions but stopped because his work schedule conflicted with the counselor’s availability. I told him he had to take the initiative and schedule an appointment – with our counselor or with a new one. A week went by and he didn’t do it. I told him I was done, he’s shown me he doesn’t care. He can’t even be bothered to make an appointment. Finally, after all my tears and reaming him for this, he made a call and left a message to make an appointment.
Thing is, with his LACK of action, I know he doesn’t take me seriously. With my past history, I know it will be SO hard for me to stick to my guns. The only chance I see is if the counseling will get him to see that he is an addict. If he cannot see that and/or will not work on it, I do not want to stay. But I’m terrified that I will. How do I stick to my guns?
Have you looked into Narcotics Anonymous? There is help available for non-addicted family members too.
Why do you think you would stay? Not because I always have, but what's driving you, what's the pay off? It isn't an answer you need to post. You do need to really think about it though.
The only way I know to stick to your guns is to put on your Nike's. Just do it. I would offer that if you aren't sure of a line you're drawing in the sand, don't put it there. However, addictions are a different animal.
Is this really what you want for yourself? Is this all you think you deserve?
If you haven't seen a counselor, I would recommend it. A professional can help you sort it out.
I have to rely on journaling to keep reminding myself of why I'm leaving my H. I love him and he knows how to charm, guilt and wheedle his way around my defenses. I may be villifying him more than he deserves, but I have to keep a record to recognize the patterns and remind myself why I'm putting myself through this, and why H's suffering now compares to the ages of suffring I've endured to reach the point of no return. The time will come later to let go of the anger so it doesn't fester into bitterness. For now I need it.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Remember that when the time comes to clean the slate, you need to forgive yourself as well as him. There's no shame in believing or trusting or trying to make your marriage work. --z
