Background: Hello, I'll call myself E, my wife and I have been married for 9 years, we have to beautiful kids aged M6 and F3. I apologize beforehand for not being used to the abbreviations. My wife and I married after 7 years of dating. We are both the same religion and educational background, we are both the same age. I am not a "party" guy, I love being home, watching a movie, playing with my kids... I hate a club... my wife on the other hand loves it.
Her parents are divorced, mine were married for 44 years until my dad passed away last year, but you'd think they're still married, since my mom is still in mourning with no hope of ever giving up dressing in black, I call her "batwoman" to tick her off jokingly.
Past: After we got married, (I was young when we did), we moved to a house I put a down-payment on and bought from a business partner, and we barely had enough money for anything other than going to the market and paying for very basic entertainment. Both our families have money, but we wanted to make it on our own. We were very much in love with eachother, even going through the ups and downs of married life.
After a while we settled (at least I did) into the routine, I will accept that maybe I settled in too comfortably, playing the appropriate role of husband and, very soon, father. Our routine included her going to college to finish her major for the first 2 years, and meanwhile I was taking care of a lot of perfect storms at work due to my father having economic problems, this was 6 years ago.
My family and I were always interdependent, and I guess my wife did not appreciate that. She had quips about me not being totally independent, and she was probably right, but the way I was brought up was to "take care of the family business". Anyway, I was "working" on our economic independence, and after 6 years believe that hard work has paid off in kind.
For my part, my routine included the only hobby I could muster after getting 2 discal hernias from playing Rugby, which is Videogames, specifically PC games. I started playing a few online games that really took a lot of my time. I will not lie, my wife went to bed alone a lot of nights while I stupidly wasted my time on what became a strong addiction. She complained about it, but not a lot... and I was home all the time, I gave up going out with friends and was available for her, anytime she called on me, but I guess it is true that I wasn't "with her" with her.
Our sex life was great, I could satisfy her as a woman ever since we started dating, and we would be as bunnies most of the time. Her relationship with my sister and mother started deteriorating then because, since we did not have a lot of financial freedom, and since my parents were together and her's were not, we were always taking trips with them and I guess she had to live with my sister's attitude, (she can be a real B, if you catch my abbreviation), and my sister's influence on my mother over jealousy for my wife.
In no time we were pregnant, although, regrettably, we had a miscarriage, (I say we because I was with her the whole way, I am very involved when it comes to my kids), we were devastated but got over it, not forgetting, but coping. A year later it happened again and M was born, a beautiful healthy boy... We immediately became fixated on him, giving him all the love and attention in the world, and we were very, very happy. During most of her pregnancy I was still engulfed in my addiction to PC games, but when my son was born I gave it up, vowing to never pick it up again (A vow I broke after 6 months).
So there we were, at this point, my wife, having graduated, had a lot more time on her hands. She did not work, so as a way to give her some personal sense of desire and hopefulness I promoted her starting her own business, which she did, and it was a huge success. With our son being 1, and her business growing, we kept living, I went back to the computer and hit rock bottom in terms of time wasted on it. The ultimate result was that my work started to slack and I had to start relying on my wife more and more for our economic stability. She did not mind it, I think, it might have given her a sense of accomplishment, and I did depend on her for an entire year. After all, "our" things had always been "our things", "our" cars, "our" money, "our" house...
A year more and we were expecting our daughter. During the pregnancy a huge fight broke out between my mom, my sister and my wife, and for the first time ever, I COMPLETELY sided with my wife, laying the ground rules that now govern my relationship with my family. My wife's business was booming, we had a new kid, my family relationships had stabilized... things were looking up.
That was 3 years ago and until about 2 years ago, things went as expected. I left and came back to my addiction to pc games a bunch of times, but never left it for good. We traveled, played, ate, drank, partied occasionally, went out with friends occasionally. I must say it was clearly not enough according to my wife... who treated me as "boring" in that respect. However I guess she too was tired of the teenage life of clubs and parties, and she coped.
She did start to develop a very stingy and impulsive character. Getting pissed at the slightest provocation. Not only at me but at her family and friends too, I guess she changed from the "yes girl" she was to the "hell no girl" she is now, according to her own words. The way my family treated her might have played a big role in this, in fact I'm sure of it. I mostly kept calm, I never scream, never call her names, never try to intentionally hurt her feelings... she's the complete opposite. I only forgive it because I know deep down inside she doesn't mean half the crap she says.
Present: Last year, my wife and I started the year with a lot of promise. As usual, her business was booming (I say her business because even though I work half my time for it without any pay or desire to be remunerated, it is HER business), my work was looking up, we decided to invest more heavily on her business. At this time 2 of her best friends started getting divorced, and my wife was basically a kleenex for all their tears during this time. One of her friends divorced because of infidelity on the part of her husband, the other on "emotional molestation" on behalf of hers, (He called her fat and ugly or something, and didn't ever want to touch her sexually).
Some things HAD happened with my sister and mother, but I unrelentingly stood by my wife and supported her, even when she wasn't right. As part of the investment, we needed to travel to Europe for business, and since my wife had a friend there, I decided, (as an anniversary gift), to buy her the ticket so she could visit her friend and have some "girl time" for a couple of weeks... I stayed with the kids, took care of them, took them to school, etc. This was a big step for me, I am kind of possessive when it comes to my wife, so sending her alone to Europe was a big surprise for her.
She went, we talked on the phone, business as usual. She came back and we traveled to the US, on business and pleasure, to take the kids to Disney World for the second time. We had a good time, but she had changed, we were easily getting on eachother's nerves... me from not understanding the change, she from my reaction to it.
When we got back she hit me with a huge bucket of ice one day calling me and asking me for dinner. this was 3 months after she got back. At the time she did not know it, but I, (being the moron that I am), had bought ANOTHER ticket, this time for her birthday, because she had such a good time with her friend, who is depressive and needed some help, according to my wife. So off I went to the travel agency to pick up the ticket and go to lunch with the wife, and there I sat as she told me "You should consider separating from me, you are a great guy, handsome, blah blah, perfect, blah blah well endowed... (I know, right)". At the time it was a TOTAL surprise for me, I knew we were not perfect, but we were doing things right. Right then and there I begged her not to do this, I asked for a chance... she said the obvious things about me and the pc addiction and me and not liking to party, etc. So right then and there I promised to give up my addiction (which I have, for over a year and with total resolve never to pick up again) and changed my attitude towards being with her at events, parties, etc. She said "ok", but I think the ticket played a big part on that decision. So off she went again to Europe, this time for 3 weeks, and I stayed behind. Totally devastated by the conversation and by the fact that, by then, my dad was dead (which carried a lot of emotional weight on me because I had to take care of him until the end, bathing him, feeding him, etc).
So she came back and things started to look down again, her aggressiveness grew, she started taking Amphetamine Diet pills from a prick (pardon my language) and irresponsible doctor who should be jailed but since we live in a country were things like that don't matter he is not. The pills put her MORE on edge, and I was basically bracing myself... I had made a promise to give it my all to work on our problems... I simply ADORE my kids and my wife too much to give it up.
A year went by with ups and downs and mostly with me opening my mind up as a flower and becoming 5000% more tolerant towards her, and her attitudes, and her desires. All of a sudden I had to beg for sex, for a kiss, for a hand at night when we slept. I had to keep EVERYTHING perfect, the car payments, the school payments, her business things, EVERYTHING, otherwise a NUCLEAR BOMB would go off on the slightest thing, from a glass braking to a payment not being done... I was like Mohamad Ali except I flew like a butterfly only, and apparently lost my darn stinger.
Again, her business is STILL booming, growing and growing. So are mine. Our kids are the sweetest little people in the whole planet and maybe the solar system, they tell us "I love you" every single day, multiple times, they're good kids, innocent, no malice anywhere in their bodies. Her family loves her dearly, and mine have been placed at the border trenches. She should have everything to be happy about, as I do, in fact, if you ask me, I am happy, if I overlook what I will tell you next.
Last week I was doing some work on the computer and came down to the kitchen to tell her some important stuff about HER business, in which we have an important upcoming event. After I spoke she started being disagreeable so I immediately went on the defensive, and I pulled out the "sex card" eventually, saying that she's being very cold, that I am not used to her this way, that I am depressed, that she needs to tell me what is wrong so I can correct it, that I cant stand the fact that the slightest thing sets us off. She paused (she was drinking wine, half a bottle by that time, like she does at least 3 times a week when she gets home for the last year), and the conversation basically went like this: (there was a lot of use of the letter "I" from both parties, but true to heaven and should god strike me down if I lie, I did NOT use any offensive language, keeping my cool through the whole thing until I simply coudl'nt take it anymore and burst into tears like the little B I am feeling like since 4 months ago).
Me- Honey how come you cant talk to me about something as simple as what I am telling you without becoming angry.
Her- I cant stand you anymore, I don't think we're good for eachother.
Me- How can you say that now when we've worked for over a year on getting our issues solved, has nothing changed?
Her- Yes, a lot has changed but not this nagging feeling I have inside me towards you, I cant get past it.
Me- What are you saying? (how much of a retard can I be to have gone down that road)
Her- I'm saying I feel nothing for you as a man, I don't desire you, I haven't had an orgasm with you for over 4 months (we've had sex 4 times in 4 months). I "care" for you, but I don't "love" you.
Me- (to myself, [censored]!)
So there is my dilema, my wife wants a divorce. I've tried to be as through as I can on the story, but it is getting long and boring. I had to vent a little and hope you guys can take it for what it is. A cry of desperation, of confusion, of anger.
Right then I said NO, we can work on this, give me time... so she said we have until the business trip is done to see if we can "have a good time together". I cannot explain her attitude. One day (December 2010) she loves me, now she doesn't. I have been very positive this week but she has been as usual, rejecting, saying I should not be so pitiful. The funny thing is the person I have the most pity for in the world right now is her, she is making a huge mistake... and in her mistake she's taking me and my kids on an unhappiness roller coaster that will get worse and worse. I though being the kid of a broken marriage would make her UNABLE to consider divorce as an alternative.
In trying to explain to myself what is going on I've beaten myself to a pulp, giving flame to doubts about her having a European Lover (I have found no proof and she has always denied it even without me bringing it up, she says "oh and by the way, NO, I don't have a lover or boyfriend, this is just what I am right now).
I feel kind of ashamed, but last night I took her celphone for a while and saw a bunch of conversations with her divorcee friends, and them saying that "yes, separation will make you feel better", so now I hate them with a passion. There was a conversation implying something along the lines of: Friend: "Yes but being married and living with your husband you cannot do that". Her: "I know!" Friend: "Separating is hard but the right thing to do, if he is for you then you will know it during the separation" Her: "Blah Blah" Friend: "If not I am sure another one will come along".
The conversation is obviously truncated to where my wife deleted what she wrote at the begining. At one point I thought they were talking about me, but after a little I was not so sure. Given that I have very low self-esteem at the moment I am giving all sorts of meaning to what probably is a meaningless conversation.
I do not know what to do, think, feel... All I know is I am devastated because I KNOW this will affect my children a lot, and because I still love my wife. What can I do? Can only one of the people in a marriage take responsibility for making it work by themselves? My friend (strangely the guy that her friend divorced) says that if there is no will on her part its pretty much over. Right now I am thinking it is most likely (90%) going to end up with a divorce if she doesn't want anything to do with me. I am a young man, and I am not overweight, hairless, I can please her sexually, what the hell is going on?
The only explanation I would value right now would be a chemical imbalance, hormonal change or imbalance, depression on HER part, or a god darned lover. I refuse to believe you can just give up on things like this, especially after all we've gone through... I feel Confused, Frustrated, Angry and Alone... and it is getting worse.
Am I barking up the wrong tree this time, will she not see how this can devastate us all?
Elf, sorry you find yourself in this sitch. This is a very helpful community to be in.
So have you read The divorce Remedy yet? If not, go and get youself a copy and read it. Secondly, this book is for you and not your W. This is your playbook. Do not share it with her especially if she is as angry as she seems to be.
What I am seeing in your post is that you do a lot for your W. What do you do for yourself? Are you always at her beck and call? Maybe you need to do a little less for her and a little more for you. This is a long journey so prepare yourself and BREATHE! Keep posting and read other sitches.
Me:35, 2 kids from PR H: 37, 2 kids with me T: 15 years M: 8 years in Feb. Second walk out: 14-01-2011 H had PA: 2007
That's what I've started doing the past month or so and only time will tell if it will make any difference to my wife but it's making all the difference in the world to me.
If you were a woman, which would you find more attractive: A needy, whiny, addict that she can use and push around? Or a strong, confident man with an extraordinary quality of life?
Become the man you were born to be and watch your whole world change.
Bring your thoughts and feelings here. Don't share them with your wife right now. She doesn't want to hear them. She doesn't want you to need her for anything right now.
G A L !
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
