H still living in home but cheating

[abbey1989]

Hi,
My H is still living in our home and sharing our bed. Trouble is, I am 90% certain he is having an A. He had accidentally called me from what I believe to be his secret cell phone and left a message for OW (I believe). This kind of all started about 2 years ago. I confronted him then and he denied. We went through a real period of awkwardness, but stayed together. I have given him "space". Every Saturday he either rides his bike or takes a motorcycle ride "alone" and is gone typically 5-6 hrs. I actually came to believe him. About a year ago, an email came over for him referencing OW and her house that she is designing/building. This brought it all back. I thought by then that he was not having contact with her anymore. Asked him about it and he denied. Also asked him about another instance where he took a photo of a building at the place where OW works (he doesn't know I know she works there). I asked him who told him about that new building and he got very huffy, wouldn't answer, told me I always think something is going on. Made me feel like an idiot.

I thought that night we were over (because I asked about OW again). A strange turn of events happened....that night......while I was worried about the breakup of my M, my daughter had gone to a RAVE concert and subsequently almost died from taking the drug ecstasy. We spent the next two days in the hospital with D. Thanksfully she survived, and has not had any issue with drugs/experimentation since. Strange but this seemed to bring us back together. I never thought I would live through anything so horrible as to see my D lying unconscious in a hospital bed. Things seemed to get better for us after that incident.

Around Valentine's day he was really sweet, got me a nice card even told me he loves me. Then this last week, while he is pleasant, he doesn't seem to be all that "into me" at all. I feel like a piece of furniture. I want to save my M but if he has been carrying on with this same OW for over 2 years and keeping it a secret and denying denying denying, where does that leave me in my attempts to make M work?

[Sad_but_happy]

He needs to stop the A. You will bet be successful in building a life, and saving your marriage as long as there OP...

He also does not respect you if it is continuing. But verify first!!!

[abbey1989]

I am not sure how to get the "proof". All I know is that it is driving me crazy. I swing back and forth from being clingy and sad to angry and aloof to understanding and kind. Maybe I just need to "man up" and try to get some real answers. H always denies when I've asked in the past. Then he acts super mad at me for even asking the question. Like how dare I question him?

Do A's ever just end and do things ever go back to normal without confrontation? Or do I need to gear up for battle?

[sandi2]

Nothing is accomplished by asking your H if he's cheated. Of course he's going to deny it.

Have you thought that your D's close escape with death affected your H as much as it did you? If he was involved with OW, it may have hit him hard with a big case of guilt.

The way you described him around Valentine's Day sounds as if he might have tried to act more like a H should, but if you continue doing the same routine....he may think it's not worth it. Maybe he's told OW that he's through ands wants to keep his family, and she's giving him all kinds of threats.

So, here's my question to you.....what would you do if you were contacted by OW and told that your suspicions were true. What would be your next move?


Now let's say that before you have time to decide what your move would be, that your H decides to confess everything to you. Then what would be your next move?


I would be interested to know how you'd answer both scenarios.

[abbey1989]

Dear Sandi2,

Thank you so much for responding. I was hoping to hear from you. I believe it was you that helped me so much with your words of wisdom a couple of years ago (I was AbbySmiles then).

You are right. He WILL deny if I ask.

Regarding guilt over D's close escape with death, I wonder about that. The only reason we let D go to the concert was because she was going with a nice boy that we knew. Turns out, that boy left without her and she ended up getting a ride from some other boys. These boys were over 18. D was sick and they knew they would be in big trouble. We are just lucky they didn't dump her on the side of the road somewhere.

When she stopped taking our calls that night, we started calling some of the other numbers she had called from. We talked to the boys and they were lying (scared of course). In the end, they dropped her off in the morning on a girlfriend's lawn. She was a mess. We didn't know what had happened to her. H went to pick her up from D's friend's house. H brought her home...she was out of it but we just thought it was similar to a hangover and it would wear off. H went to work the next day and I stayed home with her...that is when she started having seizures and eventually went unconscious. I called 911 on my cell and tried to reach H on the landline. I was hysterical.

Paramedics revived her at my house and then she was taken to the hospital by ambulance. H met me there. He was trying to reach the boys that dumped her at a friends house. The boys admitted to being scared but mostly because they were over 18 and knew they would be in big trouble. Come to find out, months later, that one of those boys gave D the drug.

As far as H feeling guilty over being involved with OW during this time, I don't know. Like I said, he never openly discusses feelings of guilt and I surely never see it (well maybe once when he knew that I intercepted that voicemail message for OW). In fact as far as guilt goes, he teases me whenever I worry about this or that....that it is my "Catholic Guilt" talking. I'd like to think he felt guilty. He really didn't alter his M.O. as far as spending more time at home or anything. He continued to escape every Saturday to do his "thing" whatever that might be.

[abbey1989]

So, here's my question to you.....what would you do if you were contacted by OW and told that your suspicions were true. What would be your next move?

If OW contacted me (which I'm sure she won't), after telling her that she is a worthless homewrecker, and a class-one loser, I would confront H and find out his intentions. Stay with me and our family or move on to greener pastures. My son caught wind of a possible A a couple of years ago and he told me that he would never forgive H if he disrespected me that way. H would really be setting himself for a life away from all he has known the last 20+ years. I really think that if he loses me, he will alienate his kids as well. His loss!!!!!


Now let's say that before you have time to decide what your move would be, that your H decides to confess everything to you. Then what would be your next move?

If H did actually confess to me, while I know it would be excruciating, I would listen. I would feel validated. I would know I wasn't going crazy. I would know that I CAN trust my intuition. My next move would be to have him make a choice. Me or Her. I would ask him to leave and figure out what he wants so I can try to regain some sort of normalcy in my life. We would have to figure out our business arrangement (since I run the office)...but in all honesty...I like to know where our money is and what is going on financially. Giving that up would be pretty tough. But would have to do it if it came to that.

I hope I haven't painted H as a horrible father. He really is a good Dad. Just has not been so involved with kids since this OW or MLC or whatever it is that is going on. Especially since S went off to college. He actually just took D on a college tour up in NoCal and they both had a nice time and made some good decisions about her college future.

Thank you Sandi2....

Today headed to a girlfriend's house to watch the Oscars. Will be a nice distraction.








I would be interested to know how you'd answer both scenarios.[/quote]

[abbey1989]

And can I just say......

All weekend, H has been sleeping in our bed but in very odd ways. Sleeping with head at foot of bed (two nights now). Last night he had a nightmare and kicked me (hard) in the chest. Seriously! I was sleeping and it took my breath away. I cried!

What was that about. Also, even if he isn't sleeping with head at foot of bed, he is not under the covers (only under the top down cover). Makes it uncomfortable for me. Does he really think I am going to go all crazy sexy on him? Seriously. He needs to get over himself.

[sandi2]

So what do you want, Abbey? If you confront H, he will either deny or confess and that will cause you to make a decision to ask him to leave or have him stay even though he's cheating. From what you've said, you don't want him staying if he's admitting an A.

You really want him to end the A and work on the M. But if he doesn't, do you think you can continue to act as if? If you knew he would come to his senses, could you be the "greener pasture"?

[Starsky309]

Does he really think I am going to go all crazy sexy on him? Seriously. He needs to get over himself.

My advice would be to tell him precisely that. Wouldn't change a word.


Starsky

[abbey1989]

Hi Sandi2,

What I want is to stop feeling like a victim. I sort of feel like I turned that corner yesterday. I do love H but am angry and resentful because I feel he is withholding info from me. To me, withholding information is the same as lying.

I've decided not to confront because in the past it has gotten me nowhere. All he does is deny. I am going to honor my marriage and do what I think is right.

Started working on the 180's yesterday and started working on becoming a happier me for my own sake. Came home from work, made a nice dinner and then went for a walk alone at sunset. H actually drove by as I was on my way home and drove me the rest of the way home. We had a nice evening in front of the fire with D17, watching a movie.

The thing that has been making me so sad is that I never seem to get a hug while lying in bed. He doesn't as much as rub my back or "spoon" or anything. Sex has waned and I haven't initiated since last weekend because he said no ("my stomach hurts" or "I'm already dressed"). I'm really not an Ogre and still look pretty good for 46 so not sure what the problem is other than maybe he feels like he would be cheating on OW by being with me. How twisted is that?

So this a.m. when he rolled out of bed and started the shower, I popped up and got ready for the gym. As I was leaving he said "oh...you're going for a walk" and I said no...going to the gym. Didn't act clingy (even though I feel it) and gave him a quick kiss on the lips and then confidently got in the car and drove away. I did look back and he had a bit of a confused look on his face. It's not that I never go to the gym, but in the past we have typically gone together. Also, I have been all mopey and sad around the house the last 3 weeks, so I think he took notice that I'm getting moving.

As far as sex goes, I've decided not to initiate even though he in the past said that was his issue. I have been shot down one too many times in the last 2 weeks. I have never said "no" to him ever where sex is concerned. OW probably has him covered these days. UGH!!!!!!!