Letter to my H...................

[ddstartingover]

As our 25th wedding anniversary aproaches, there are things on my mind. Things I would like to write to you, but believe it would be unproductive or stir up more emotion for me if you were to respond the way I think you would. Besides, I said it all when this all began, and it didn't matter.

You left 2 1/2 years ago. You purchased your own home with our money, but I know that I am not welcome there and have yet to see the house, despite the fact that it is just 5 miles away. I will never believe that this is what our kids deserve.

We are still married. I will be the first to acknowledge that things were not perfect, but to this day I do not believe that they were THIS bad and that we should be HERE. You have made it clear that you are DONE, but are leaving the D to me. I do not want that responsibility. I do not want or believe D is the answer for us, or our children.

I remember............

Parking on country roads and laying under the stars.

Thinking there was nothing more important than our time together.

Planning for our future when we were just children ourselves.

The excitement of seeing you when it had been just a few hours, and then days when you were in college.

All of the LETTERS (with stamps) when you were in college and I was still in high school.

The wedding plans......the wedding......the honeymoon that we were able to laugh about for years....

I remember..........

Your choice to go to law school and knowing that I would do anything to help make that happen.

The years of "drain trap casserole," and working 2 jobs when you were in school.

Believing that our future was unimaginable. Knowing that you would accomplish great things.

I remember..........

Trips away and how wonderful it was to leave "life" behind - even when things weren't as hectic as they would be down the road.

Deciding it was time to start a family.....how quickly it happened and what an amazing thing it was to welcome our first daughter into the world......our second.....and then the surprise of being pregnant with our son.

Being fortunate to stay home to raise our children.

Deciding it was time to start your own law firm - and urging you to do so.

Paying credit cards with new credit cards.

Starting my own business and then the joy of only working for you.

You telling everyone that I was the best.....the smartest.....feeling loved and needed.

I remember...........

The re-focus of your law practice. My reluctance, but the promise of great things.

Knowing it was going to take time. Believing it was all for the best.

This was 25 years from beginning to then. It is these 25 years that make me believe that what we had was worth fighting for.....

I remember.............

You told me it was going to take too long and you needed to take another job.

My offer to work instead......but emotionally torn about returning to the workforce.

The job offer.

The drive.

The distance.

The secrets.

The accusation.

The denial.

I remember......and have lived the last 5 years in he$$.

I'm fighting to keep the good memories in my head, unable to understand your re-written history.

I look at you and see the same face that I have always loved, but you do not act or feel or believe the way you used to. I still do not understand.

OUR home is now "your house." Our kids go to "mom's house" and "dad's house." Where is their home?

I live on my own. I know that you will not be returning. I have accepted all of the responsibility that that entails. I have been present and made the decision to put our two long time pets to sleep. I still can't believe your distance, your disconnect.

And now.......the battles about time with our kids and how different what we each want for them seems to be.

I don't believe that this is what is meant to be, yet I accept without understanding.

I don't know if she is still in your life. At this point it doesn't matter. Your choice is clear.

I think of what would be if you hadn't taken that job during all the chaos....the emotional distant state that I was in when my father died and not knowing what was happening before it was too late.

I don't dwell on any of this anymore, yet the sadness still overtakes me in waves.

I know now that I CAN live without you. It's not by choice. It's not my choice, but I can.

I have learned a lot about myself. I know more about who I am and what I am capable of. I know that I will be ok, although there are still a lot of uncertainties about my financial future.

I will continue to be the best person that I can be, and the best mom that I can be. That includes continuing to show you kindness, understanding and offering to help when I can. I cannot be as distant as you seem to be with me.

I hold on to the good memories and am grateful to still have them. I hope some day you can remember.

I hope that if D is truly what you want, that you need, that you proceed before all of the good memories are replaced with resentment, hatred and ill-will.

I've tried to hate you - at different stages during all of this, but I can't. I still have love in my heart, and only hope to someday see the end of the pain.

I have accepted the fact that you no longer love me. I feel that daily. I can't accept the feeling I now have - that you no longer care. I cannot accept the fact that the love you once had for me has turned in to hate. That is what I feel now.

I know this means that I have not completely detached. I know that this means I still have work to do, but at least I do know this.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

DD did you send that to him?

[Queen_of_Swords]

That is heartwrenchingly beautiful. For all but the specific detail, that letter could be one I wrote but did not.
(((ddstartingover )))

[ddstartingover]

No plans to send this.....I've said it all before, when this all began. I just had things on my mind that I wanted to put on paper. However, I am toying with the idea of sending a very abbreviated version - or at least something on our anniversary. It would be for me, only. That day still means something to me, and always will. I wouldn't be who I am today, or have my 3 beautiful, perfect children if not for that day.

[ddstartingover]

I missed a call from my L today. In the seconds between seeing the missed call and calling her back, my stomach dropped. I thought, this is it, his birthday is Monday, he's finally making a move. All of his demands for D and demands that I get a L have come around this time of year. As I placed the call, I thought maybe it's time for some relief......maybe he's making the move and it will be over.....but instead, my L is leaving private practice. She called to let me know I will need to find a new attorney. The thought of going through all of that is more than I need right now. Baring my soul to yet another stranger and explaining my stance. Whatever that is at this point.............

[LauraOh]

Wow--that really [censored] bad. I can't imagine having to find another L.

Ask who she would recommend--who would SHE use if she was going through a D.

[punkin]

DDSO,

Love the letter. Too bad only the LBS's are the ones that 'get it'. Are you still standing for your husband and marriage? IMHO, if he truly wanted the divorce, he would be seeking it, especially after all this time.

[irishblessings]

An amazing letter...very cathartic. I feel your pain all too well.

[ddstartingover]

My L did give me recommendations, however just 2 and I know one of them would be a conflict - so that leaves 1. I may have to ask for more names.....more choices....choosing something I don't want. Since this is NOT what I want it is so hard to think about going through this again. But I will.

I used to let myself believe that if this is what he truly wants he would be doing the work to make it happen, but I don't think that anymore. It is clear that he sees D as a simple legal process - and wants it to be that way (mediation).
Besides in his mind, our marriage was over before he chose to have the A. He is a L and has even mentioned that this should be a simple process, and that this is the way "educated professionals" handle D.

Somedays I wonder if he's just giving me the time to eventually want it as much as he does so I will proceed as he has asked/demanded - that I get a L to "handle" our divorce. The keyword here is OUR. Maybe he thinks some day I will think that this is OUR D. I don't know that I will ever think that. I do know several people that have done this only to later hear their X tell their kids and friends that SHE divorced HIM.

Somedays I think maybe he is hoping to push me to the point that I will do all the work to have it over. I guess I'm not there yet. Maybe I will be eventually, but not yet.

[ddstartingover]

Dear H - Happy Birthday! I remember so many years of birthday celebrations.......

When you stopped by yesterday to drop D off I was reminded by how different you seem to be. The distance that has again increased over the past few months seems to be immeasurable. I look at you and you look like the same man I've loved all of my life..........except for that distant look in your eyes. Maybe it just seems that you look different.....maybe it's just that I am noticing the difference of being looked at with love and without. Whatever it is, it still cuts to my heart and stirs up the pain.

I do wish you all the best today, and every day.

dd