Ive been reading all the MLC things that are posted. How do I know if thats what it is or is my H just unhappy and wants to leave our M. There is an EA happening. My H is 56. Are there ways to tell which is which? He las left our home.
For me, MLC in my wife meant confusion on her part at first and later. There were times she seemed very intent on some of her choices. But there always seemed to be a hint of uncertainty even at her worst.
So my answer about MLC is if they seemed confused, if they don't entirely let go of you, if they keep you in their life...not to be read as you keeping them in yours, but them keeping you in theirs.
That being said, it is really up to you to determine this, no one here is a professional as far as I know. And even then about half of them are split as to whether or not they ascribe to MLC.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Maybe my sitch is more just wanting out then. I have very little contact with him. Usually texts an only when he deems it appropriate to answer. H left 9 years ago and came back for the sames reasons except this time EA is in the picture. Maybe that time 9 years ago was his midlife crisis. Im tryin everything i can to save this. Its just hard knowing there is someone else in the picture. I am applying all my db techniques but dont seem to be getting anywhere. WHen i have seen him he doesnt act like himself at all. Very distant, seems depressed, no eye contact. This day has been yet another teary day. I wish i could go back and change things. He says the OW is nice. He left his family for OW who is nice.
Rue, Whether it is mlc or your h just wanting out, you would continue to apply the DB principles...live your life as if he's never coming back.
Mlcers, as Jack has pointed out, have lot of confusion and often act like they are pinballing all of the place.
Also, if your h left 9 years ago, he could very well have begun mlc and then was interrupted and has now picked up right where he left off.
I know it's difficult, but could you share a bit more w/us?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
snodderly, thank you for the response. as far as sharing a bit more...he left in 09 saying he wasnt happy, i didnt appreciate him, worried about money, i wasnt nice, same reasons i heard this time. He was gone for 3 months and came back. he was also very distant then, little communication but atleast there was some. our kids were younger than and i think that was one reason he came back. he even said this time, that his dad left when he was very young and didnt want his kids not to have a dad. He doesnt realize tho in their mind they have lost their father. When he came back 9 yrs ago it was like walking on egg shells for quite awhile. i always had it in the back of my mind he would leave again if i did or said the wrong thing. there were suspicions of ea's back then and he did not like it whenver i would bring the topic up. i used to hear , "there you go throwing that in my face again." i guess he didnt realize his actions had consequences. so moving forward to the current situation, we have had our ups and downs. he isnt what you would call a great communicator. He holds things in or would tell the kids your mom is mad again or she isnt talking to me again. I admit there were times when i probably didnt appreciate him as much as i could have or been as nice as i could have. but i had my reasons. it seemed other people mattered first over his family, H would go and help a friend on a saturday after he worked all week and would miss visits with our granddaughter. he was unaccountable for alot of his time away. Would plan yearly trip that i didnt know about then tell me right before he left saying he told me all along. (i do know that he went on these trips with his friend.) Yes i would think there was someone else at times and he didnt like questions about that. he thought by buying things for me or taking the family out for nice dinners that would make up for his actions. Then of course we all got accused of him just being everyones ATM machine. so before he left this time we had been in a major cold, silent, period with each other. i suspected an EA and after he left it was confirmed. He said it had no bearing on his leaving that he listed all the same reasons why he left 9 years earlier. He is very distant now. only text. he has gone to visit the OW several times because she lives out of state. He filed papers this time. Yet i got blamed for that. I think he does have a sex addiction of some sort. Frequented porn sites alot and didnot like that i questioned him about that. It seems he lived a life in a house for 29 years and was totally unhappy everyday of his life here, if you ask him. the OW makes him feel nice. i have so much guilt now. i keep thinking why dont i have a chance to make this marriage work. That i am too a nice person. How disposable this marriage is to him that he leaves without trying. So i dont know if he picked up where he left off 9 years ago or not. This time i am very afraid that he wants to end this although i want to fight for it.
Rue, I am so sorry that you find yourself here. I am here knowing that many of my STBXH's traits are MLC - but I also know that he acts as if he wants NOTHING to do with me. What snodderly says is true - live your life as if...he is not coming back. Please know that I don't say this flippantly or easily - it is without a doubt the most difficult thing I have ever done. And I am so sorry - it is so painful. Please take care of yourself. IB
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
I would advise you not expend any more brain power to the question, because it basically comes out the same. He left. I agree with the posters above that it sounds as if he started MLC 9 years ago, and never finished. Mine did the same thing, only 8 years ago. Both times it has involved an affair. This time he has even shut out the kids and grandkids.
Welcome to the Board. We are here to listen to you when you need to rant, vent, or just talk. As you read the links posted above by Cadet, and read more on the subject, you will come to recognize so many things you let by yourself the first time, including about yourself. Some of the lessons are tough and painful. The rule here is "if it stings, work on it".
And believe me, you can't possibly say anything here that hasn't been said before. Just watch the language or JTB will slap you on the wrist. Work around it. You'll catch on.
Have a good day Rue.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
