Sometimes R talk also has its merits in airing out how we feel, I guess. Over the weekend, for both me and H tension was so high that you could cut the atmosphere with a knife.
After our discussion, things have simmered down, H has been acting nice and this leads to us being comfortable, able to sleep well, and generally having more productive conversations.
Yesterday, we had some guests, and H was upbeat about going to dinner with them and during dinner, we acted very much like a couple again, with H grabbing my drink to try it out, then saying his dish was so good (new item on menu) and then swapping out his plate with mine so I could try out his food. (i ordered an old favorite).
Somehow those little gestures make me feel connected to him, I don't want to read so much in them but it keeps the day to day living manageable for me.
Also, I have this observation about him when he is sleeping - when he is comfortable with me, he crosses over the midline and leans on me in his sleep, and he did that last night
I am looking forward to our Retrouvaille session! Hopefully they allow us to do it.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
H's BIL, niece, niece's H, and grandniece (16 onths old!) were visiting.
I really had fun with the family. We went to Tahoe for the weekend for snow play. We did a lot of things all together!
I am learning to be more relaxed around H. I admit I still watch him closely but at least the sick to my stomach/hole in my chest/tangible pain feeling is not there, at least 90% of the time (after 9 mos, LOL, so for those who wonder if it will ever go away, take heart!). I still get bouts of feeling hurt/resentment and the urge to investigate whenever I see him holding his phone, wondering if he’s texting OW. I know he did not call her the whole weekend though, I couldn’t stop myself and peeked at is recent calls…
The positives:
He was old H in many ways – taking charge of our trip, the food, he was very nice to me, taking care of my needs as well as the others.
He talked about past events – recalled times when our D was a baby, comparing her to the baby grand niece, would turn to me and say “remember when….” Also remembering the previous times we went to Tahoe, the meals we had, etc.
When I mentioned getting an iPad for myself, he said he was going to buy one, I said me first, then he said we could share (looking at me with a naughty look, for some reason)..
H asked me to accompany him wine tasting that evening, and we went by ourselves (a little date) .... I felt awkward! BUt kept the convo light and safe.
The negatives:
Just that he would always be stuck to his iPhone, taking pics. Nothing much, so I rate this as a good weekend!
Another thing I notice is that he normally is not too close to babies but this time he was always playing with the baby. Even had pics taken where he would have this big smile. He doesn’t smile when he has pics taken with me or even with D12. Couldn’t help but think that maybe he is trying to imagine life with a baby at his age in case his life went that way. I know OW loves babies and wants to have kids someday. Of course I am letting my imagination run wild, but I know my H well and many times my intuition/interpretation of his thought processes are correct.
Well, now time to steel myself for the coming week/weekend. We are going to attend a convention where OW lives. And he will be staying 2 nights longer than I am. Plenty of time to pursue OW. I keep praying that EA won’t turn into PA.
Can’t do anything more than to trust God on this one. But prayers will certainly help. Keep me in yours, my dear friends!
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
I did ask the retrouvaille coordinator. My H says at this point that they are just friends ...that all they talk about is work/scientific projects. He said he is still bound by my wishes that there cannot be an affair within our marriage, but he cannot stand the "no contact".
That is why he says he wants us to legally separate, but again, I think he is conflicted on whether he really wants it or not. I see him as not wanting the decision to come from him, but from me. When I actually take him up on it and tell him "lets go to the lawyer today (I have done that 2x actually) he stalls.
Maybe we are actually in a good DB situation, come to think of it. I might still have the chance to turn this around if I play it right.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
I just found out today my daughter has cut herself. I have told H about it, but only briefly. So when H was asleep, I had a conversation with my D. Afterwards, I decided to write a letter to H. Please let me know if this is something I should send him. Here it is:
Dear H:
This is the blade your precious daughter used to cut herself.
At 12 years of age, she has to cut herself because it is a pain that she can inflict on herself and control.
She has wanted to do this for sometime, she said, maybe for a couple of months now, and was able to do so on Monday when I went to gym and left her alone.
Because her present life is so full of pain and hurt that she could not control. Inflicted on her by people she loves and trusted. She has lost her trust.
I asked her when this pain and hurt started. She said sometime after summer. I felt my stomach flip, because of the timeline. Was it Daddy? “Yes. You know why. I trusted him more than anyone, more than you, Mom. Then now I can no longer trust him. And you too because I know you are hurting from him as well and it hurts me to see you hurt.”
“Then my friends ….. They are giving me problems as well. Now nothing seems to be going right. I thought I could trust them too, but they hurt me too”
I asked her if her past life was happy, if she always thought this way.
“Before summer I was too young, and did not think this way. My life was not perfect but I remember it as happy. There were a lot of moments of joy. And I am glad that it is that way, but that is past now and I live in the present. And the present is full of pain. I just don’t show it because that is how I am. I go on each day but no one knows what is inside me. I don’t understand myself, but I do not trust anyone and don’t know how I could.”
I told her that we are all human, that we make mistakes but do not mean to hurt. That you and I, we love her so much, and only want the best for her. She understands, knows that we love her, and she loves us too, but that is not the issue.
Boy, am I glad that I talked to you about making sure that the present does not tarnish our past life. If you took away her happy childhood, what will she have left?
Life as she knows it is no longer what it was. She does not know what the future holds. I told her we will never leave her alone, that we will always take care of her, want the best for her. She only nodded.
She talked to me about therapy.
“I don’t like therapy, it is only for people who want to talk. It gives comfort, but it does not remove the pain. “
Distractions, such as shopping?
“They are just that -distractions. Temporary, then the pain is still there when you come back to reality”
If our family returns to normal, will you feel better? “Yes, but life will never go back to the same way it was. Now it will be different. And the trust – it will take time.”
H, your child got yanked from childhood to a sudden, painful adulthood. At a tender age, looking for love and security, she suddenly was faced with turmoil from the parents she leaned on, her source of life and being.
She told me once before “When I had issues when I was little, Dad was the one who saved me. It was not the therapist. But now, Dad is messing me up, and also you”
H, this is what you are doing to the family who loves you so much.
13 years ago, you chose us. When you chose me, you also chose her too, when we decided to have a child. We have always known she was a smart and special child – sensitive, seeking perfection, but intense in her love and need for us.
Now, you are re-evaluating those choices. You are on the verge of choosing to follow your own desires, your freedom. You yourself have said that you want your freedom so you could pursue the other woman, find out for yourself if that relationship will prosper or not. You felt something new, exciting, find yourself wanting to look attractive, wondering if you still have it. You already chose to pursue that feeling, thinking that you might regret it someday if you never pursued it, wondering if the “movie” love was within your grasp. Letting us know, in many words and actions, of “our place in your list”, that we no longer are number 1 for you.
As I have said before, choices have consequences. We teach that to our children, from an early age. Oftentimes, our choices are easy ones. But as we grow older, there are times we are faced with hard ones. Sometimes, our choices mean we have to sacrifice for a better outcome for ourselves or for our loved ones.
This blade you see is only the tip of the iceberg. If at 12 years of age, she can deliberately choose to cut her arm with a blade, give herself a 1 inch wound, and clean it with alcohol and hydrogen peroxide to make it more painful, what more if the pain is relentless? Or too much to bear? Do you want to wait and see more? A bigger blade perhaps?
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Thanks. I also have some friends here in newcomers who don't visit MLC, so I usually post here as well when I am distressed.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
As painful as this is for you and I am sure it would be painful for your husband, and you are very correct in my opinion that we should put the needs of our loved ones ahead of ourselves.
I dont think you should guilt your husband into coming back. He would be miserable and I dont think that you would have any kind of happy life together. Indeed, i believe he would leave again down the road with even more resentment.
I really understand your distress, who wouldnt be distressed in this situation but really think about what you are doing here.
You are guilting your husband into coming back. A band aid approach IMHO.
Perhaps make him aware of what happened but without all the other things that you mentioned. Let him weigh the pros and cons and let him make a decision without all that added pressure.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
Angel, You should definately sit him down and discuss this. But I would hesitate to send the letter. I would even hesitate to use it for cliff notes quoting your daughter. It will not be received in the way you intend, and it will corner him into the defensive. He needs the "freedom" to absorb the gravity of this issue. Self inflicted wounds are very serious business. The best thing would be for him to have a similar discussion with your daughter, the same as you had. But you have to at least talk to him about it.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
angel, i am so sorry...i all too well understand the nightmare of a child in pain
i do know that for our children, we have to be strong...when we are with them, we have to show that we are good
as long as we are good, they have their rock
i would not send the letter
however, i would not even think about divorce until your child is on stable ground
everything between the two of you needs to be put aside right now she comes first
you need to work together on this to get her in a better place
but i will tell you this, your h will feel nothing but resentful if you guilt him into coming back my h was the one who suggested us spending more nights together for our son and i can tell you, the first morning that he was here was horrible
perhaps just suggest that your issues need to take a back seat right now to your daughters
you need to do it gently and make him feel like part of the decision
