Need help ASAP- panic attacks

[angel61]

After trying to be strong for the past 8 months, I am falling apart.

Last night was the 2nd time I had a panic attack in front of H. I have so far managed to keep my panic attacks outside of the house, and short lived, relieved by crying my eyes out and praying, but this time, they are becoming full scale. I even can't get the focus to pray.

A week ago, I had an emotional crisis with an anxiety attack; I attributed that to my feelings of wanting to let go being bottled up inside of me, and so I talked to H and I thought the outcome was good. Those of you who are familiar with my threads will know what happened to me.

The whole week H was out and first I was so happy that I had made my decision to let go, even started getting excited about my plans. Then towards the end of the week, the reality of it all began to sink in, and I began to seriously fear the future. Especially as D12 seemed to be particularly feisty that week and the weather was so depressing. I really got low on serotonin, added to all that.

H got home yesterday and he was so grouchy. In spite of being jet lagged he had to work because he is leaving for a two week trip tomorrow.

I couldn't pinpoint an exact trigger to my anxiety attack yesterday, all I know is I felt so depressed towards the evening, could not stop from crying when I had the chance to be by myself, then had to stop my tears in front of H, but started acting all weird and hyper a bit later. Of course he noticed. I finally admitted my pulse was racing and he even wanted to bring me to the hospital, but again I said it will pass. I never have taken medications for mental health before, I have considered myself as pretty resilient but I guess everyone has their breaking point. I even started having nightmares of H leaving last night; I could not sleep, D12 came over to our bed and could not sleep either; H went to D12's bed and couldn't sleep, I went over to H in D12's room and thats when we all finally fell into a deep dreamless sleep.

This morning, it looks like D12 is having her own anxiety attack. I am feeling better but cannot eat; I feel like puking whenever I do.

I called my therapist who confirms that what I am undergoing is normal for the level of disruption in my life; she taught me some relaxation techniques, reminded me of how I should think more of the here and now instead of the future, reminded me to have patience.

H is asking me what is wrong but I did not want to explain to him; he knows what is wrong and why we are all in this mess. I just told him I don't know what the trigger is; he started looking at the escape route, saying maybe it is better when he's not here, then again started thinking about how he could not leave us this way. I told him he has to prioritize work because all the more we will all fall apart if he lost his job, if he does not work.

He left the house looking all worried like HE was the one who was going to fall apart as well. At least I know he is concerned for our well being. I texted him to let him know that I did call the therapist and that it is just a panic attack (I think he thinks I am going psychotic on him). I also said that perhaps I was just planning too much and thinking of the future, I will go back to living day by day, as we had told each other we were going to do early in our sitch. I told him this is a minor setback, and that he should not worry about the next couple of weeks.

I think he did try to cheer me up this morning by talking positively about our planned vacation for spring break; he seemed to have some exciting activities lined up for us; and this led me to thinking that maybe I was just riding the coaster too much with him when he was grouchy due to work.

I told him thank you. I am looking forward to the trip, to acknowledge his efforts.

Now I am worried about this, I am sure this is a huge set back, contrary to my assurances to him.

[Denver_2010]

Why are you 'sure' that this is a huge step back?

BITS
Denver

[angel61]

I am showing weakness, my lighthouse is getting dim when this happens, our abode is no longer a safe harbour as it has the insecurity of my mental health status.

[Denver_2010]

Take a day for YOU Angel... regain that focus... IMO Everything that you described seems perfectly normal under the circumstances.

PATIENCE... Be that Lighthouse Angel... you are doing great!!!

Now go take a break... go get a massage (from Bolt? LOL) ... pedicure? mani? Go laugh... Mainly though.. take a deep breath and relax...

BITS
Denver

[angel61]

I saw LIS post about taking to her H about how she feels and how she could lose it when he does certain things. That made me more forgiving to myself about my breakdown last night. I guess H just has to understand that I am just human and could fall apart.

[angel61]

Thank you Denver. I do need that reassurance that I have not done something horrible. H is going around and acting as though the sky is falling, maybe thats why. But maybe its also because he sees that D12 is not out of the woods, she suffered from childhood anxiety attacks and today seems to be having one, after quite a long time where she has not had any. We both are the type of people where our lives revolve around our child. H always did pride himself on being family oriented, and what he is doing and planning right now is so out of sync with what he is doing.

Thanks Denver for the support! I will try to get that massage when D12 feels better! Right now she is fast asleep and recovering.

[Denver_2010]

Yeah... didn't mean today per se....

but you do need to take time for you...

And you do need to realize that you are going to mess up... You are human... we all do...

so your H acts like the sky is falling? That's ok too... show him that it is okay... by your actions... be the Rock for you M Angel...

BITS
Denver

[angel61]

The massage .....Maybe from Bolt! San Diego is just an hours plane ride away from me! After all, the spa idea came from me. lol.

[Denver_2010]

I know!

BITS
Denver

[angel61]

Yes, I have been reassuring H now. Telling him we could handle it.

I swung all the way from being the victim to being the rescuer. I was reading about the faces of victims last night (Lynne Forrest, on the internet). Very interesting!