WAW tearing up our family part II

[shaves]

I don't have a ton to add, but good luck on the new job. You must be a very determined and talented individual to land such an upgrade in these times. Keep your head up, your wife doesn't know what she is doing. They have no feeling. Or sight. Or scruples. But we love them anyways. Wishing you better days to come Ironman

[2stepboogie]

Hey buddy sorry I am late

7 Stages of Grief

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. 2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.


3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.


5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.



Where are you?

[ironMan]

I don't have a ton to add, but good luck on the new job. You must be a very determined and talented individual to land such an upgrade in these times. Keep your head up, your wife doesn't know what she is doing. They have no feeling. Or sight. Or scruples. But we love them anyways. Wishing you better days to come Ironman

thanks, shaves. I really appreciate that. It was a good reminder to be thankful for the things in life that are going well and not focus on the part that isn't.

[ironMan]

step .... I feel like I'm bouncing from 3-4-5 and back. Mostly I'm doing pretty well .... but I do get just indignant ... wtf is that silly woman thinking right now?

Last night, I took the opportunity to tell her a few ways that I know I let her down and didn't make her enough of a partner in my life. She was teary eyed and very thankful that I said that.

We had a very solid hug after that.

I don't think I can say that she is turning, but she hasn't moved out yet either. I just get frustrated that she can't see how detrimental to everybody her actions are.

[lostinscared]

Her actions become detrimental if you allow them to be. Listen to me on this, because really, I pushed my H out the door because I felt his actions were so toxic. Problem was that I would get indignant also. I would react constantly. Even if I wasn't reacting outwardly, I was absolutely doing this on the inside.

You've got to stop the spiral. That means, first, stop becoming indignant. Stop judging her actions. What can you do, instead, to become the light? You already know the answer to this, obviously because of the good convo you had with her.

Try your best to stay out of #3. When you get angry, analyze it, break it down and understand that it is not getting you anywhere. Find ways to counteract that.

Continue to educate yourself. If you've read DB, there is another great book called "Hold Me Tight." That has helped me enormously. Then, not sure if you know, but Divorce Busting has a facebook page. They've got a lot of articles on there that are very helpful. You need to go check that out.

Not for nothing, Ironman, but if you start looking at your posts from the beginning, there IS progress. I think you are doing an awesome job!!!

I'm praying for you.

LIS

[ironMan]

No real news .... spent the end of the week/weekend working hard on a big project to get the house ready to sell

Today, I started a new job.

So, my life is too busy to worry much about my dingbat W.

She's been moping again. Said she really enjoyed spending time with me this weekend and working on projects with me. And, she says she's not happy with anything in her life really ... even though we're separated (in the same house). But, she still seems to think she's leaving at some point. The looking for apartments has been put on hold for unknown reasons. I don't ask and she doesn't say.

I am afraid sooner or later I am going to kick her out just out of frustration with this. Not anytime real soon however. Just .... poo or get off the pot, woman!

[2stepboogie]

IronMan:

Happy your back with us man. I've been wondering how you have been. Haven't seen you around for what seems like ages.

I see the frustration in your words but I think I also see some things you should be encouraged about.

Hey did you ever check out that article about how to talk to your man on the DB FB site? Go check it out. I think you will enjoy it.

[FellOnBlackDays]

Easy, Iron. Don't be the one rushing the two of you to the attorney, OK? Remember, try something new with her, observe, report and adjust. When you see something positive, make a note of it. Try to do more of it.

I do believe that my WAS was also dealing with some undiagnosed depression and she did not want to deal with it. It made our R very tough. Have you suggested her seeing a C? Just wondering?

BITS never walk alone!!

FOBD

[ironMan]

BITs get there in a hurry don't they?

2step, yeah .. I know. But she's been on the fence for so long about this. Maybe it isn't a bad thing .. but it is tiring.

FOBD, no rushing to atty here. I just almost think it will be easier when she leaves for me to go on with my life. I'm not in a hurry to get there yet ... but just tiring of her inaction. If I were as miserable as she said she was ... and concinved that leaving was the right thing to do ... as she said it was ... I'd be LONG GONE.

[Denver_2010]

Iron man... you really need to go check out the DB facebook Page and 'like' a few of their articles so that they post more!!!

BITS
DENVER