Need Help dealing with my WAW

[bboom]

I'm new here. I'll try to keep my posts short.

My wife dropped the ILYBINILWYA bomb on 10/10 and said she had gone emotionally numb in April 2010 as a way to protect herself from pain caused by my emotional distance from her. She felt that I hadn't been showing attention/affection for many months and I hadn't been doing all the things needed to keep her happy and this damaged her self-esteem and made her unhappy in general.
She lost her job in 4/2009 and has been unemployed since, but has started going back to school to enter health care industry.
She has always been a very social person and has many close friends (both male and female)and she has always managed the social calendar during our M. Since becomming unemployed, she has devoted much time to Facebook and going out 2-3 times per week while I stay w/kids. She says going out with friends is only thing that keeps her happy and sane. I have trust issues from her EA in 2006, and the fact that she tells me she has rekindled friendships with guys from her past that she could possibly have a happy future with.

I have just read DB and have started my 180. I stopped calling/texting all the time to check up on her, and I'm starting to work on GAL. We still get along well at home, especially around the kids, but we haven't had a R talk in weeks and weeks.
Should I bring it up?





Me 45 W 43
Married 16 years
S 14
D 11 (down syndrome)
10/2010 ILYBNILWY
W EA 3/2006

[bboom]

W is out tonight at hockey game with girlfriend. She is a big sports fan. I would normally text her several times during the game and ask her how she is doing, plus I'd call when the game ended to see when she was coming home. Right now my cell is downstairs on mute and I'm trying not to touch it. I'm working hard on my 180 and trying to give space. I also started working out last week. I stopped by the local gym and did a tour, thinking about joining. Next big step is finances. My W has always managed the money, even though I was always the bigger earner. Now that she is unemployed (and I'm not sure if she is thinking about my best interest) it's time I took control of my financial future. I'm sure she will see it as a sign that I don't trust her, and she will probably react badly.








Me 45 W 43
Married 16 years
S 14
D 11 (down syndrome)
10/2010 ILYBNILWY
W EA 3/2006

[LearningPatience]

Hi Geo, welcome to the club no one wants to belong to

I'm sure you've read and heard all the advice within DB, but I just want to reiterate a few things for you. First, congratulations on the baby steps in regards to the texting and working out. That said, be careful not to try to take on too much at once. The fewer new things you take on at a time, the easier it is to stick with them.

Second,

I'm sure she will see it as a sign that I don't trust her, and she will probably react badly.

I don't know your W, but negative attitudes are not attractive and tend to carry over into other aspects of our lives. Having a PMA (even if you have to 'fake it til you make it') will go a long way into improving your sitch. Go into your finances with the attitude that you are taking control of your life. *If* she gets mad, then validate, but don't worry about it unless it happens. You may be surprised!

[Starsky309]

She has always been a very social person and has many close friends (both male and female)and she has always managed the social calendar during our M. Since becomming unemployed, she has devoted much time to Facebook and going out 2-3 times per week while I stay w/kids. She says going out with friends is only thing that keeps her happy and sane.

Hi Geo,

We all need our GAL stuff, but more than once or twice per week (primarily on the weekends, and coming home at a decent hour) is inappropriate, at best, for a mother of two -- one with special needs. At worst, it's a huge red flag, considering her past infidelity.

Is she going out on weeknights/schoolnights? What time does she come home?

Constantly texting her and checking on her makes you look needy and controlling. You'd do better to set a simple (but firm) boundary here, rather than tracking her down like Needy Controlling Guy.

Starsky

[bboom]

LearningPatience,
Thanks for the reply. I'm planning to take things one day at at time. W had to do a presentation this morning in class and I wanted to call and see how it went, but resisted. I always call her after class (around noon) and ask how it went, but then I always follow up with questions like: where are you going now, what are you going to do for the rest of the day, etc? I have suspicions that she meets up with OM for lunch because she doesn't need to be home until the kids get home from school.
I worry that if I don't call she will get the impression that I don't care about her and it will just reinforce her perceptions.

[bboom]

Quick admin question. When I submit a post it takes hours before it shows up. Is that normal?

[dbmod]

Yes, geo, it's normal.

Newbie's posts are on full-moderation, which we try to read and approve within 24 hours. I apologize for the inconvenience.

[bboom]

Got home from work around 5:30. W informs me she was invited to a party by a girl in her community college class. I say "Oh I thought you and I could do something tonight" she replies that I need to give her more advance notice. I guess I should have, but she was out Thursday, Tuesday, and last Saturday, so I wasn't expecting her to have plans tonight. I said "Can you bring a guest, it sounds like fun". She quickly replied that only she got invited and it would be rude if she brought me. So my 43 year old wife is going to a party tonight with a bunch of people from the community college.
I told her I didn't feel like sitting oround the house tonight so I'll take the kids bowling.


Me 45 W 43
Married 16 years
S 14
D 11 (down syndrome)
10/2010 ILYBNILWY
W EA 3/2006

[sandi2]

Welcome aboard. Stick with posting and it will pick up soon.

I can sort of identify with your W going numb b/c of the H's emotional distance. Did you realize you were putting distance between you and your W?

Sorry to ask a lot of questions, but it helps to get a better idea of things. Were you distant to her before she had the EA or after?

I would normally text her several times during the game and ask her how she is doing,

Why?
Why?

plus I'd call when the game ended to see when she was coming home

Why?

it's time I took control of my financial future

Very wise. I hope you haven't waited too long.

I'm sure she will see it as a sign that I don't trust her, and she will probably react badly.

She probably will, but you have let her have the reigns for a long time. She's not going to give that up very gracefully, IMO. She may not want you to see how she budgets your money. Be prepared for her to accuse you of many things when you stand up to her on both your feet. ;

I'm planning to take things one day at at time.

Okay. Do you have particular goals in mind?

I always call her after class (around noon) and ask how it went, but then I always follow up with questions like: where are you going now, what are you going to do for the rest of the day, etc?

I have suspicions that she meets up with OM for lunch

OMG! You mean the same one she had an A with a few years ago?

I worry that if I don't call she will get the impression that I don't care about her and it will just reinforce her perceptions.

WHAT??!!

[bboom]

Sandi2,
Thanks for the input. Here are some answers.
I guess there was a growing distance between the W and I before her EA in 2006, at least that was her excuse at the time. She had lost my trust quite a bit in the year or two leading up to EA due to some financial issues. Running up my credit cards behind my back, lying about bills being paid, draining the class reunion account (I was treasurer), and hiding things from me until there was a disaster that I had to fix. Things like not telling me the car payment was late until the car was going down the strees at 5:00am on the back of the repo truck. It would happen every 6-months or so. I honestly think she was hiding the bad news from me to protect me. In 2006, She was feeling neglected by me, she was turning 39 and a younger (26) guy at work was paying her lots of attention. It came to a head when I saw a phone bill with 900 txt msgs between them. We talked & talked about it, W stopped it when confronted and swore it wasn't a PA. The guy isn't in the picture any more. During our talks she wanted to be completely honest and admitted a one-nighter PA about 3-years into our M, 9-months after our S was born. Since 2006 I have really tried to rebuild trust and things were getting better, until summer 2008 when I was served with foreclosure, at which point my W admitted being a few months behind. We are still in the house and in the midst of restructuring our mortgage.

I still love my W, but I think she has some serious issues. At times I feel she is dragging me down.