Rolling with the punches

[Redo]

All:

I decided to start a new thread. I was getting de-motivated looking at the subject line of my old thread. My older thread is at

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2133519&page=1

So quick re-cap

W left and filed for divorce on 01/03 while I was out of the country. Reason for leaving is that she's tired of me not being happy in the relationship and that our arguments is affecting our daughter. Expecting divorce to be finalized first week of march. I gave up trying to stop or slow the divorce train.

Oddly though the last 2 weeks have been more down than up. I guess it is because the finality of the divorce is soon approaching and that every time W calls, she wants to talk about the divorce details. She's totally business-like and it hurts me to know that this is the girl iam still so much in love with.

I am still trying to DB(more or less) and trying to keep myself hopeful and positive. My 180's are:

1: Be strong emotionally
2: Stop being needy and clingy
3: GAL

[DumpedforMIL]

here's a 180 for you.

next time she calls:

"i gave it a lot of thought and you're right, W. i don't know why i didn't see the impact it was having on our children before. but now i do. as for divorce details, your lawyer can contact my lawyer with regards to whatever it is. i'm pretty busy at the moment. so if it isn't urgent, i need to get going."

what are you doing to GAL? are you protecting yourself financially?

and btw, hope is not a plan. keeping yourself hopeful and positive is like sitting there waiting for the sky to fall.

[Redo]

Thanks DumpedforMIL:

Yea I am waiting for a chance to apologize validate her feelings. Right now everytime i talk to her, I get emotionally stirred. Nope, I am not going with a lawyer. I am discussing the details with her and not her lawyer. If we could live 11 years together then i thought that we should be able to discuss our details and agree on what is fair for both of us.

Yea i know hope is not a plan. But i gotta have hope. Hope that she might change her mind one day. Hope that i'll develop the fortitude and emotional maturity to entice her back into my life.

[DumpedforMIL]

Right now everytime i talk to her, I get emotionally stirred.

why?

Nope, I am not going with a lawyer. I am discussing the details with her and not her lawyer. If we could live 11 years together then i thought that we should be able to discuss our details and agree on what is fair for both of us.

huge mistake. you need to get yourself a lawyer and protect yourself financially. if you think that working it out between the two of you is easy .. think again.

marriage is about love. divorce is about money.

Hope that i'll develop the fortitude and emotional maturity to entice her back into my life.

i wouldn't bet money on that.
if what you are doing is to entice your wife back into your life, then you are going about db-ing completely wrong. it is no wonder there is no progress.

the purpose needs to be about you. doing what works for you. and if someone wants to be a part of that, they need to earn their way in because you deserve better than that.

[Redo]

Right now everytime i talk to her, I get emotionally stirred.

why?

[I dont know. Maybe i have not yet recovered from the whole trauma. Maybe it is because the discussion is always about the divorce details and nothing else(like daughter)]

Nope, I am not going with a lawyer. I am discussing the details with her and not her lawyer. If we could live 11 years together then i thought that we should be able to discuss our details and agree on what is fair for both of us.

huge mistake. you need to get yourself a lawyer and protect yourself financially. if you think that working it out between the two of you is easy .. think again.

[I agree. I might be digging a hole for myself here. But i'd like to try. I might be talking crazy here, but to be honest, if in the process if she gets more financially then so be it. I know i have the capacity to get back on my 2 feet again]

marriage is about love. divorce is about money.

Hope that i'll develop the fortitude and emotional maturity to entice her back into my life.

i wouldn't bet money on that.
if what you are doing is to entice your wife back into your life, then you are going about db-ing completely wrong. it is no wonder there is no progress.

the purpose needs to be about you. doing what works for you. and if someone wants to be a part of that, they need to earn their way in because you deserve better than that.

[You are absolutely right about this. I know i have been reading about the DB principles and stuff, but i am sure i am straying off the path quite a bit. I think one of these days i need a session with one of the coaches so i can find my path back]

Thanks!!

[Redo]

I dont know. Maybe there is one bright spot for me this week. My parents visiting me.

I am an only child. So my parents have been quite worried about me handling all this alone. Unfortunately i have no family in the US. So i have been racking up quite a big bill on long distance.

At-least when my parents get here, for a lil while i dont have to come home to an empty house. And maybe i'll spend time showing them good 'ole Texas

But I am also getting ready to sell most of the stuff in the house to prepare myself for an apartment transition. I am pretty sure that the divorce axe will fall fast on the house.

Over the years i have racked up a lot of tools and machines for my myriad hobbies(lathes, mill, welding machine!!, woodworking machines!). I really have a hard time letting go of these things. But if anything, i've learnt that having attachments only leads to misery. Wow, i think i'll be Buddhist

[DumpedforMIL]

so what is the plan? what is she asking for? what are the custody arrangements? are you moving out or is she?

You are absolutely right about this. I know i have been reading about the DB principles and stuff, but i am sure i am straying off the path quite a bit. I think one of these days i need a session with one of the coaches so i can find my path back

you don't need a coaching session to put you back on track. you need to read the book again. you likely have a good shot at saving this but your current attitude isn't going to win any woman's heart.

if i'm right about this .. then what are you doing to change things? basically what you are doing is more of the same .. and more of the same has gotten you no where.

why are you not leading the divorce discussions? if your wife isn't talk about custody, then why don't you bring it up?

what do YOU want out of all of this?

how about this? am i wasting my time here?

[Redo]

so what is the plan? what is she asking for? what are the custody arrangements? are you moving out or is she?

[She moved out in december when i was visiting my parents. She has since been living with her parents about 250 miles from our home. We have agreed on joint custody. The asset partition has been fair, with some more details to be ironed out]

You are absolutely right about this. I know i have been reading about the DB principles and stuff, but i am sure i am straying off the path quite a bit. I think one of these days i need a session with one of the coaches so i can find my path back

you don't need a coaching session to put you back on track. you need to read the book again. you likely have a good shot at saving this but your current attitude isn't going to win any woman's heart.

[True. The problem i am having is dealing with my issues that led her to leaving me, and the divorce itself. I know what i need to do. I just need to execute. I am trying to do more things for myself that i have not done in the past weeks. So I am GALing. But every now and then i project my fears and then i go down. I gotta figure out how to slowy reduce those episodes]

if i'm right about this .. then what are you doing to change things? basically what you are doing is more of the same .. and more of the same has gotten you no where.
[Yes and No. When i do talk to my W, I am quite firm. I dont give her an impression that I am hurting a lot. I am also slowly trying to build a life for myself. Where i do fail is often i let my fears overtake what i learnt from DB and my rational thinking. Then i go down emotionally until i can pick myself up later. My triggers are irrational fear of what might happen to my daughter in the future and whether my W might choose a future without me. I just have to accept some of these realities and move on. Right now i am still struggling with some of these.]

why are you not leading the divorce discussions? if your wife isn't talk about custody, then why don't you bring it up?

[We did talk about the custody and we seem to agree on most issues. I dont want to initiate any discussions on the divorce. It's my wife who wanted it. So i let her bring it up if she needed]

what do YOU want out of all of this?
[1: I cannot be like that person i was for those 11 years. I totally lost my identity and i became someone without a backbone and started living day by day in fear of my wife leaving me. I want to build up my self esteem.

2: I definitely want my family back. I strong believe that i can be a better husband. This experience has alraedy taught me things that i have not known about myself all these years. In fact i'd rather that she come back to me only after i have become a better person. If not this cycle might repeat.]

how about this? am i wasting my time here?
[Believe me, you are not. I really value all the feedback i can get from this forum. At the end of the day, it just makes a better person. If not for my wife, then for myself and my daughter]

Thanks a bunch!!

[DumpedforMIL]

from what i've skimmed through your thread and what others have said .. i'm really wasting my time here.

in short, you need to grow a backbone. it has been suggested to you before. i don't see any of it here.

yes, you might be giving the impression that you are not hurt when you talk to your wife. but trust me, we can see through it.

what GAL activities have you done or are doing?

what divorce issues have you disagreed on with your w?

i don't recall .. is there another man that your wife is involved with?

[Redo]

Nope there's no OM. Not that i know of. And i dont suspect any.

I have been an introvert all my life. So yes, forcing myself to out with my friends and doing fun things over the weekend and going to exercise regularly has been GAL for me. I intend to add more activities to my life as i go along.

Yea i guess my W can see thru my faking of being strong in front of her. But i gotta start somewhere. If i can be strong without crying when i talk with her, i honestly consider that a baby step in the right direction for me. And i am counting on my baby steps and slowly adding more of them.

I really appreciate your help and frankness in telling me the truth. I always had a problem in dealing with my grief and throwing a pity party for myself. I have been doing that for a loooong time. I know that i might not be able to turn a 180 on my self so quickly. But at the same time i not gonna give up. I am gonna do what i need to do. If time is not on my side for this, then so be it. The only i need to know is that i did try. I am not gonna give up trying